A Spotless Mind
by isawsparks
Summary: Like the movie, but with a Spashley twist.
1. Butterfly In Reverse

**Disclaimer: Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind is not mine. I'm nowhere near that brilliant. I'm just a loving fan who wanted to borrow the concept and give it a Spashley spin. So here's me giving it a whirl.. **

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_My life is about to change in a way I can't even imagine. In a matter of hours, everything I believe to be true will become something else entirely. And there, in the darkness of my room, I'm clueless. There I am, lying flat on my back, just staring at the bedroom ceiling. Watching the shadowy patterns shift with every passing car, with each move the moon makes. Once again, suffering from my little problem with insomnia, wishing I could fall asleep; undoubtedly throwing myself a little pity party for my misfortune. I'm definitely not ready for what's to come._

_But I should really take a few steps back here, and tell you the things I do know up to this point. I'm Spencer Carlin and I'm twenty one.__I have two older brothers. Clay: amazing. Glen: distant. And two parents. Dad Arthur: amazing. Mom Paula: distant. Growing up we were a tight unit, normal to a sickening point. I mean, we even attended church every Sunday. After all, the family that prays together, stays together, right?_

_Well I guess somewhere along the way we stopped praying, because we're not that family anymore. I can remember the exact day everything fell away from us. I was almost seventeen and we were on our way to the big apple for a new life. Yes I remember it like it was yesterday. It was all so surreal. One day was all it took. One day and everything changed, without any reason. I simply woke up that morning, and I was a different person. A stranger in my own skin, facing a reflection I did not recognize. As if that wasn't enough, it didn't end there. Everything was off with my family too. It was like we slept through two years, and now here we were, trying to make up for what was lost. I know it sounds crazy, and I can't explain it, but that's exactly how it felt and how it happened. And when we arrived in New York City, finally settling into our new home and lives, it didn't get any better._

_There were my parents, who lost that amazing bond they once had, they once shared so long ago. They lost their complete love for each other, becoming two people simply standing in the shoes of their former selves. Nothing more, everything less. As for Glen, he gave up the biggest passion of his life: basketball. He was now cold and no longer the clown of the house. Eventually, he turned to some new friends, ones belonging to the wrong crowd. And lastly, there was Clay. The big brother I absolutely adored, who shone so bright. He was fading. His grades dropped as he completely withdrew from all of us. And it was heartbreaking. _

_It wasn't long after our move that mom and dad separated, which came as no surprise. It was also during that time that the insomnia began. My life was just going swimmingly! There was one blessing, however, and that was I got to live with Dad. There was something so off with my mom and I, a newfound awkwardness overshadowing a place where healthy communication once stood. We just did not connect like we once had, and some days I couldn't even stand to be around her. I never knew why, but I eventually chalked it up to typical adolescence. The one thing I'll never understand, though, is why she let me go without a fight. No matter how much we had all changed, Mom was always stubborn and always got what she wanted. That was something I couldn't chalk anything up to. Instead, I just added it to the massive pile of things I couldn't understand._

_Dad, Clay, and I, found ourselves in the tiny city of Newport, RI, while Glen and Mom stayed in Manhattan. I've never known why we split up this way, and I never asked. Was just the way it happened. Newport was a beautiful city. Small enough to remind us of the country life we once had, but big enough to hold possibility for all of us, especially Dad. He found he could still help the kids who needed it the most. He could help the ones who needed it simply because they had no one else. It was a perfect fit for the three of us, but somehow, it didn't work. I lost interest in all the things once important to me. My love for drawing, cheering, student council...just wasn't there anymore. I quietly finished my last two years of high school, but still managed to pick up some friends along the way and occasionally even have some fun. But the most important thing that happened to me in Newport was meeting Brynn. I met her my first week at Rogers High and that was it. We instantly connected, and I'll never know why. To say we're different is a true understatement._

_I can say with absolute certainty that Brynn is perfect. No doubt about it. She strives to be the best she can, simply because she wouldn't have it any other way. Not for her parents or any other outside source. Nope. Brynn does it for herself. It's just who she is and she'd never settle, never settle for anything or anyone. And that alone makes her the strongest person I know. Brynn's always been the outgoing girl. The girl everyone wants in their life, and when they come knocking, she has no problem letting them in. She's also the one who incorporated "social" into my life. She got me among people again, bringing me to every happening party over every weekend. It was during those drunken times, that I'd actually found myself having fun once again._

_But that's not all there is to my best friend. No, not by a long shot. Brynn is smarter than anyone I know, and then there are times where she can be more clueless than you'd believe. She can have such a peaceful way about her, and like a light switch, she'll turn on and have you rolling with laughter before you even know it. I can't forget to add, that Brynn is also the most gorgeous girl on this coast, hell maybe both coasts, and she's a lesbian. She kept it no secret from me that first day we met, and I've never had a problem with it. Oh on the contrary, I absolutely love it. Haha, who knows why._

_It was always mysterious to me how we became so close so fast. But my sleepless nights have lent me plenty of time for thinking and analyzing my life. And not too long ago, I realized it; Brynn's the girl I once was. She's the shadow of my former self. One simple twist and I'd be sitting comfortably in her shoes, while she'd be chugging along in mine. We're the direct opposite of each other, yet deep down, we're the same. And that's what makes our friendship so sacred. So real. And it's what also makes Brynn so much more than a shadow. She is my rock and without her I don't know what would've become of me. _

_Brynn got me through those last years of highschool. They were no doubt the roughest, but I've come a long way. And today, aside from my nasty little sleeping problem, I'm almost happy. Ha, who knew being "almost" anything would be good? But for me, it's enough._

_For the past year, we've been living in a shitty apartment on the east side of Providence. But while it's shitty, it's also, somehow, perfect. Brynn is in her last year at Providence College, playing club rugby (oooobviously) and I bartend at Jake's (ooooobviously). Yeah, I tried the college thing at CCRI, Rhode Island's finest community college. But it didn't take long for me to realize I wasn't college material. Well not yet anyway. While I may be working my way to some form of happiness, I still have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. So that's it. Brynn does the school thing while I do the real world thing. And we both make time to do some living in between. We have different lives, but we both love to party, and we both do it exceptionally well if I do say so myself. Friday nights are hers to plan, Saturdays mine, and the rest are free, whatever comes at us. Well unless one of us is working. Yes, there's no doubt about it, we make a great team._

_I guess this takes us to the last topic. Boyfriend? No thanks. Girlfriend? Whatever. All that relationship jazz just doesn't appeal to me. It used to, when a lot of other normal things did. But now I'm a mess. A smeared, botched up plate of emotions and confusion. Not to mention, I can't help knowing there's a huge, significant piece of me missing. What it is, I don't know. When it left me, not a clue. But I know there's more to me, there's something I've lost over the years. The hidden part of my mind, the section that thinks without including me, also knows this, and has decided that until I find what's missing, I can't give my incomplete self to anyone. It's not fair, giving part of yourself to someone who's completely capable and ready to give you all of them. So I pretty much keep to myself. I'll bring a guy home every now and then, feel nothing, and never talk to him again. I'll go out with Brynn, lead on some girl, make her ache for me, and just when she thinks she has me, I'll be gone, while she's still there waiting. I'm an absolute contradiction of myself. I know I can't be with anyone, but it doesn't stop me from trying. It's no coincidence that both "spencer" and "trouble" share the same amount of letters. We are completely synonymous. It's a miserable feeling to know how much you hurt people. But it's even worse to know you keep doing it. As you can guess, I've got issues, and they run deep. Brynn's major in psychology has certainly been helpful there. But even she knows enough not to touch them. Thank god for that. I've seen enough therapists, and I don't need anymore. I need her, just the way she is, just my best friend._

_So here we are again. Back inside my bedroom. Back to the peaceful moments before the sun creeps over the earth's surface. The warm, comforting light granting us another day. Another chance for something to happen, something to make our life better. And I'm still lying on my back, staring at that same ceiling; completely unaware that today is my day. Everything from my past, everything that has happened, has been leading up to this day. I've been heading right for this cliff, a cliff of change. And right now, I'm laying comfortably on the edge. But somewhere a clock is ticking, and it's slowly pushing me further and further away from that safe ledge._

_Any minute now, I'm not only going to leave that edge. I'm going to jump with all my might._

_Are you ready?_


	2. Catapult

I slide my arm from my forehead, not even realizing it was there in the first place, as the feeling of the morning sun blankets my face.

_Sigh. Already? Why does the inevitable always come as a surprise?_

My eyes open and I see the orange rays of light filtering through the blinds, playing across the ceiling, reassuring me that morning really is here. I sink further into the bed, and endlessly toss and turn, attempting sleep once more. However, the sound of the apartment door opening and closing puts an end to that hopeless battle. I hear Brynn's hurried footsteps running down the hall, growing fainter with each step.

_Damn her for being so motivated._

I sigh heavily, rubbing my eyes for what seems an eternity.

_You may be sleepy, eyes, but you're going to damn well open._

I continue the assaultment as I wait for what I know is coming; whatever ridiculous song Brynn's chosen this morning.

_Wait for it...wait for it…_

And we have a winner, ladies and gentlemen. Today the artist formerly known as Puff Daddy has found his way to my room. "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems" vibrating down the hall, under my door, and right to my appalled ears. I'm all for the "different strokes, different folks" aspect of life, but seriously, B. Seriously.

I reluctantly lift myself from the bed, swing around, and let my bare feet meet the cool wooden floor. A chuckle escapes me, still amused by Brynn's song choice. I reach back and fumble around my disheveled bed, searching for the hoodie I threw there last night.

I shuffle out into the hall, robotically pulling the sweatshirt over my head and down my torso, arms finding their appropriate sleeves along the way. I don't even bother to gather my long curls from beneath the garment, as I lazily make my way through the living room. Brynn's there and already in the middle of her morning routine, kicking out her legs a bit, hopping from one foot to the other, stretching her body. I mosey into the kitchen, moving on to my morning routine, which I'm sure you may have already assumed, isn't quite as honorable.

I mumble a "Hey" and she replies cheerfully with just the right amount of sarcasm, "Morning, sunshine!"

I laugh briefly at her mock enthusiasm, and walk over to my version of a breakfast nook; the fire escape window sill, grabbing my butts and lighter along the way.

_Breakfast of champions, obviously._

In one clean motion, I lift the window and take a seat, unlit cigarette hugged between my lips all the while. I sit comfortably, straddling the wooden panel; one foot in, one foot out, not fully committing to either.

_I can be so symbolic._

I smile at my own insight, cupping my hands around my treasured little friend as I light it. Tilting my head back, I take the first drag. Cherishing it deep in my lungs, I tightly ask, "How was the run?"

"Oh you know...the...same as…every other...day." Her ragged breaths pique my curiosity and I glance her way. She's working away at crunches now.

_It's safe to say you'll never see me doing those._

We do our own thing there for a bit, enjoying each others silent company. I have to laugh every now and then as the one and only notorious B.I.G. serenades us. Brynn switches things up at some point, continuing the crunches on her side. She's currently facing me. Huffing and puffing away from the strenuous act. Meanwhile, here I am huffing and puffing for an entirely different reason. I feel her gaze on me, perhaps a little disgusted with my utter fullfillment from my dirty little habit this early in the morning.

"So...was it the" a tiny grunt escapes her small body, "...dreams this...time?"

I nod lightly and look out towards the morning sky, twirling my cigarette slowly between my fingers, ashing it every now and then.

_Oh yeah, the dreams. Something I forgot to mention. Another one of my nightly treats. They don't always happen, but when they do, they're strange and unsettling. You know the kinds that go way beyond a dream, the ones that could be real. I'm almost convinced their inspired by a past life. Last night I was treated to the one with the brunette. Actually, more often then not, it's that one. I never get to see her face, and we never talk. I'm just in a constant state of racing after her. I __**just**__ have to get to her. Do I know why? Nope. But everything in my being shouts that I need her. I have to find her. No matter how desperate I am, or how hard I try, I never reach her. _

_And it drives me completely insane._

"Wanna...talk about...it?"

"Nah..." I shake my head a bit, "...thanks though, B." She sits up and looks at me with nothing but understanding, and maybe a touch of sympathy.

_She's good like that, knowing when to push, and most importantly, when not to._

She tiredly stands, linked hands stretching far above her head, some muted cracking coming from her small frame. It looks as satisfying as each one of my drags. "Well, I'm off to shower, gotta get ready..." she sighs, rolling her eyes "...I've got Roberts lecture this morning."

Now it's my turn to look at her sympathetically, "Ahhh yes..." Inhaling another delicious hit, voice coming out strained as I continue"...is he the one with the sweaty pits or..." finally exhaling and breathing out "...the one with the stutter?"

Her eyes widen, "Both!"

I can't help but cheerfully reply, "Right! Well good luck with that!"

She walks over to our ancient stereo, and shuts it off.

"Thanks a lot!" her words swimming in sarcasm as she turns back towards me, drinking from her water bottle. "You got any plans for the day?"

I flick the remainder of my cigarette beyond the railing of the fire escape, and bring my outside leg up to the ledge, arms hugging it against my body. "I'm not sure...Tracy needed an extra shift, so I gave her mine." I keep my gaze fixed on the neighbors' roof, watching a lone fichus tree blow in the morning breeze.

"Ahh nice. Just..." she pauses, knowing to tread carefully.

_Here it comes._

I close my eyes knowingly. "Please don't sit around here all day, come on Spence, it's spring, it's gorgeous out. Go for a run..."

My eyes open, solely so they can roll.

_Come on, B, you know me better than that._

She laughs and continues, "...ok, that's stretching it, I know. Just do something! I say this with absolute love...it drives me nuts thinking of you wasting away in here. It's seriously depressing."

I amuse her, and nod my head. "Fine, fine. I promise I'll find something productive to throw myself into until you grace me with your presence later. Speaking of which, it's Friday...what do we have planned for tonight, woman?

She arcs an eyebrow, mischievous smile surfacing, "Tonight..." she turns to walk down the hall towards the bathroom, and continues over her shoulder, "...tonight. we're hitting up Lucky."

_Oh brynn, how I love your predictability._

I laugh while I lazily move from one favorite spot to another; the couch.

_Obviously she'd choose Lucky; it is "Ladies Night" after all._

I lie comfortably on the couch. Loving the fact that it's as ancient as our dear stereo. Therefore it's thoroughly broken in, completely allowing my body to sink further than any couch should allow. But that's the way I like it. I hear the shower start in the distance, when the buzzer to the apartment goes off. I slowly make my way to the door, when it goes off again.

_Jesus, can't a girl get a little time?_

I don't even bother to ask who it is, just pushing the button, and returning to my refuge on the couch. I know it's pointless, but whatever. The knock on the door comes too soon, and I heavily walk towards it. I pull the door open to find a petite, pretty, blonde young woman standing behind it, holding a box. Getting a good look at her now, I can tell she's had better days.

_Either she's had the most fun night of her life, or the saddest._

I blankly stare at her, as she does the same.

"Um..." I try to not sound as annoyed as I feel, and continue "...do I know you?"

She takes a minute, and finally breaks out of whatever reverie she was in, slightly stuttering "O-oh, sorry...yeah...well no, not really." She shakes her head; it looks like she's trying to gain some composure.

"No. You don't know me." She plainly states and throws the parcel at me, catching me by surprise.

"This belongs to you."

I look down at the heavier-than-it-looks box in my hands as she goes back to staring at me.

Finally she speaks again, "I couldn't get it all...which you probably would never even know, but, oh whatever..."

_What the fuck is she talking about?_

I'm about to ask that very question, but she turns to walk away before I get the chance. I stand there watching her in utter confusion, when she stops walking. She turns back slightly, looking at me with new empathetic eyes, "I'm sorry, Spencer...for everything."

_Ok, how does she know my name?_

One last meaningful pause, for a reason unbeknownst to me, and she's gone. I stay put in the doorway for a minute before I turn back inside, kicking the door closed behind me.

Brynn's out of the shower now, frantically towel drying her shoulder length hair.

"Who was that?"

I keep walking, feeling strangely unsettled, "I don't know"

Towel in hand, she motions to my new possession, "What's that?"

"I don't know."

Catching on to my sudden mood swing, she joins me on the couch. I tilt the box a bit to see some words scribbled in black marker, but can only make out "Dr. Howard Mierzwiak" and my own name.

My first instinct is to just open the lid, indifferent to whatever rests inside. But then something in the air changes. Something somewhere has shifted, and now it all seems way too important. I'm fixated on the 3-dimensional rectangle in my lap and I can't move.

"Well...I mean, aren't you going to open it??"

Brynn's voice snaps me out of it, and I look up to her. I find myself barely nodding at her. I feel so removed from the situation. I can't shake the feeling that whatever's inside this box, whatever's in there, is going to change something. No...not just something. It's going to change everything. And I don't know if I'm ready.

_Come on, Spence, stop being such a pansy and just effing do it._

This little pep talk with myself is enough to gain back some of my composure. I inhale deeply and lift the top at a slow pace. Perfectly content with taking my time.

But as the lid drops to the floor, as my face goes white, as my hands begin trembling, I realize I'm not ready for this. Inside nothing makes sense, everything's absolutely foreign to me. All but one thing. One familiar item and it's blatantly staring back at me. It's looking me straight in the eyes, almost teasing me with how fucking clueless I still am. What's facing me, what has me frantically searching for my breath, is a photo. One photo of me and someone else. And even though I don't recognize her face, I immediately know who she is. Of course it's her. There before me, is literally the girl of my dreams. The untouchable brunette, smiling right at me. And here I am staring right at myself beside her. A smile on my face that I don't even recognize. A life in my eyes that I don't ever remember living. Her arm's wrapped around my body, looking like they've never known anyone elses. And I'm quick to notice, my own arm has found a similar home around her.

_Breathe, Spencer, just keep breathing..._

I can hear all the obvious questions coming from Brynn, but they're in a language I don't understand. I don't understand anything right now. Her voice becomes further and further away as I slowly turn the photo over in my hands. And there it is. I don't know what it means. But I know it means something far beyond what I can comprehend. I know the words that I'm now reading are not going to go away.

"_**Spencer and Ashley. Spring 2006."**_

That's when the picture slips from my hands, and I fall from that "proverbial" cliff. I don't even know why or what's happening. All I know is I'm falling so fast. Faster and faster. And I realize there's no turning back, no matter how much I reach out for something to hold onto.


	3. Have You Seen Me Lately?

_Now, where were we? Oh yes. That's right, we were in the living room of my apartment. On my couch. And things were just starting to get interesting. Things were just hitting the fan._

"Spence..." Brynn's voice timidly begins "...what's going on?"

"Do you think I know? Do you think this..." I throw out my trembling hand, holding it out for her to observe, "...looks like someone who has a clue about what the fuck's going on?"

We both stare at each other, my outstretched arm still quivering between us. Brynn's looking a little frightened. And why shouldn't she? I'm clearly looking a little crazy (then again, thats really nothing new). But through the fright, I can tell she's trying to understand without upsetting me more. We remain silent for a few moments, before our gaze simultaneously falls back to the apocalyptic box sitting happily on the floor.

_Ok so maybe apocalyptic is a touch dramatic. I'm a girl, drama is in our nature._

Finally, Brynn makes the first move, curiosity obviously getting the best of her. She looks at me first, most likely asking for approval with her eyes. Asking if she can step inside the world I'm not ready to enter.

_One of us should get this show on the road. All the more power to her._

"Whatever, I don't care. Go for it." I blatantly lie and watch her tentatively dip inside the box; browsing through memorabilia that apparently has my name on it. However right now, in my mind, there's only one thing with my name on it, and that's another smoke. I'm up across the room in no time, snatching my cigs from where I left them mere moments ago.

_Oh to go back to that time, go back to when it was just me on that window sill. This time around I'd ignore that buzz. Definitely wouldn't be the first time._

I immediately smack the worn-in pack against my palm, an action as routine as breathing and let my body lean against the wall. Before you know it, I'm back on somewhat familiar ground, as a sharp rush of smoke takes its favorite ride deep down into my chest, finally bringing me home again.

"So, this is your stuff?"

_...I spoke far too soon._

I take a moment before answering, to compose myself. Trying to maintain the newfound calmness my little nicotine buddy has supplied me with. I'm definitely in a state right now, and I do not want to take that out on my dear Brynn.

"I honestly don't know, B. I've never seen any of that stuff before." I cross my arms below my chest, as if they could protect me from whatever Brynn's eyes are seeing. However, it doesn't stop my eyes from never leaving her, from feeding off her every reaction. Once again feeding off her doing something I lack the courage to do myself. She leans back on the couch slightly, thumbing through a stack of photos. Suddenly I see a change in her face, a look of surprise. And I certainly don't miss the tiny smile forming on her lips.

"Wow, Spence...these pictures..." she stops, nodding her head side to side a bit, "you look so unbelievably happy in these."

_Huh? Happy? Unbelievably happy? That can't be right._

I immediately need a hit of relaxation from this statement, bringing my cigarette back to my mouth, thumb and pointer pressing it tightly to my lips. Going in for the long haul. Going all in like there are no plans of ever letting it out. And I hold it all in, so far inside my lungs, as I walk back over to the couch. Exhaling as soon as my body sits next to Brynn's.

Keeping my focus on the coffee table, I stub out my butt in the ashtray resting there on top of it. Brynn's not finished looking, but I hold out my hand anyway, never looking towards her. She eases them into my possession.

"Seriously, look for yourself..."

As much as I don't want to admit it, she's right. I do look happy. Sickeningly happy. So happy that I'm envious. How messed up is that? I'm actively envious of my own self. In almost every picture that dark haired girl is in it. What was her name again? Oh right, Ashley. Gotta remember that one, because clearly who ever she is, she's important.

There's some with Clay in them. And for the first time in four years I recognize him. Finally, I see the brother I once knew. Here comes another first: I'm actually happy to see a picture of Glenn, because he's where he belongs, on a basketball court. As you can probably guess there are photos of my parents, gasp, actually together, standing next to each other, you know, sharing the same space. And I see affection between them, something I haven't seen in who knows how long.

Obviously, everything isn't peachy, though. Just because I'm finally finding something I've been searching forever to find, I'm left with more questions. For example, just where the hell are we in all these? Seriously, there are palm trees, and pools, and beautiful people. Who are these beautiful people? There's one guy who's in plenty of pictures with me and Ash (why not, we're clearly old pals). He looks pretty comfortable between us, arms wrapped securely around our shoulders. There's definitely something there. I wonder which one of us he dated first.

_Ok, I really need to stop joking around and realize the insanity of the situation I'm sitting in right now. Looking at pictures I don't ever remember being in. Looking at faces of people I've never known. However judging from my own face in these photos, somehow, I can tell I did once know them, and knew 'em quite well._

I turn the picture of the three of us over, attempting my earlier trick, hoping there'll be some names scribbled across the back like before. Find out who this mysterious, and not too shabby looking, guy is. I'm disappointed when I find I'm not as successful as before.

"Ok Spence, you never told me you were a Raife Davies fan?" Brynn laughs and I peel my attention away from the new memories resting in my hands, to see what the hell she's looking at.

"Huh?"

I look at her utterly perplexed as she showcases some cd case. I take it from her hands (it is mine after all) and examine the artwork on the cover. Desperately hoping something will ring a bell.

"I'm not..." I drift off as I take out the cd booklet, flipping it over. A-ha! This time there is something written on the back. It takes a minute, but I finally connect the dots and realize it's his autograph.

_Way to go Sherlock._

"Wow, how'd you manage that?" Evidently Brynn's been looking over my shoulder.

"I told you, I have no clue where this all came from." I honestly admit, still staring at the exaggerated handwriting before me.

"Ok...you mean to tell me, you really don't know what ANY of this is?"

"Yes, that is exactly what I'm telling you. That is exactly what I've been telling you." I say, almost defeated. "I know it sounds crazy. I know it. But it's the truth. I've never seen a single thing in that stupid box in my entire life." I point to it, the object that shall remain nameless, for dramatic effect.

"I don't know..." I close my eyes, a shaky hand pinching the bridge of my nose "fuck, maybe I am going crazy." My head slowly moves back and forth, as if I'm giving into my own confession. As if I'm going to accept it that easily.

But because Brynn is the most amazing person in the world and happens to be my best friend, she takes my hand, safely guiding my eyes back to herst, "You're not crazy. Well...not in the clinical sense anyway." Without missing a beat, she winks at me, and then says the most comforting words, the words I've been starving to hear, "We'll figure this out, Spence...we'll figure it out together."

I grip her hand tighter, and paired with my genuine smile, it's all she needs for verification. Verification that I believe her.

"Besides...you can make a shit load of money off that Davies cd on Ebay! I'm serious; I'll hook you up on my account."

_God, I love you Brynn._

I laugh, sniffling a suddenly stuffed nose, and nod, "Not a bad idea. We could use the beer money after all." I return to the stack of photos in my lap as Brynn goes off on some tangent about Ebay and a Tuxedo t-shirt.

_Who knows, who knows._

I give the obligatory chuckle, the one that tells her I'm listening (even though I'm really not) and flip to the next photo.

_Oh my..._

Ok. Definitely wasn't expecting this. I quickly push the stack of photos against my chest, shielding it from Brynn's ever curious eyes. I'm in luck, however. She hasn't caught on because whatever tale she's telling, she's thrown herself completely into it. For real, she's not even looking at me. Oh no, she's looking out into the vacant living room, talking to a non-existent audience, arms flailing about.

_I told you, us girls...we're dramatic._

I didn't see it long enough to make out the details, but I got the gist of it. And I know that this picture has added a new dimension to this unknown life I once had. And it makes me realize that I want to be the first to learn more.

"Um Brynn...don't you have a lecture to get to?" I say as authentically as possible.

"What?" She finally stops her rant.

"Your lecture. With that Roberts character?"

"OH shit." She throws out her arm, shaking it, so her watch faces her, "Damn...if I don't leave now I'lll be late." She looks at me, looks at the box, and back to me. "I can totally miss it though, I mean you need me. I should stay –"

"Don't be ridiculous, B. It's the end of the year, you have to go."

She doesn't look too convinced though.

"Really Brynn, I mean it. Besides, I think I should do...this on my own, you know?"

And I can see in her eyes she does know. "Yeah...you're probably right. I can stay though, you know, just be here for you?"

"Nope. You do what you have to...and I'll do the same." I smile, all the while guarding that photo, keeping it close against me. Thankfully, Brynn never seems to notice. Instead, she stands and walks over to the recliner across the way, picking up her backpack from where she left it last night; obviously a late night of studying was spent in the comfortable confines of that chair.

"Well I'll have my cell on me, so you know, text if you need anything. I'll be home around lunch..." she swings the bag around her body, and looks at me with a little uncertainty "...or I mean, I can stay out. If you want to be alone –"

"It's ok, B, come home whenever you want. It's fine, really." I say, completely meaning it. She shakes her head, looking somewhat relieved.

"Right. Well, I'll see you then?" She smiles at me, almost afraid to leave.

I look at her appreciatively, "Yes, you will." It's enough to push her down the hall, but before she can open the door, I stand, having to say one more thing.

"Brynn?"

She stops and looks back at me, slightly concerned.

"Thanks."

She doesn't even need to answer; with the friendship we have it's not necessary. All she does is smile. Smiles a smile only I can fully understand and leaves.

I fall back down to the couch, digesting everything for a brief moment. Finally I gather up all my new goodies and make way for the safety of my room. I drop the box on the floor and fall across my bed. For the first time, I pull the picture in front of me. Finally taking it all in, and there's no doubt about what's going on. There's no doubt that Ashley and I are far more than friends in this one. Lips pressed together, hers clearly tugging on my bottom one. She has one hand cupping my cheek, one might say affectionately holding my face to hers. We're in a bed from what I can see, and even though we're only shown from the shoulders up, it looks as though we're in not much else...if you get what I mean. It's obvious we're alone, and I'm the photographer. Her eyes are closed, but I'm looking at her. And it's right then seeing myself in that very moment, that I know I've never looked at anyone like that since.

The tears start before I realize it. A steady stream down my cheeks and onto my comforter. Painting the white a deep gray. There's an unfamiliar feeling in my chest, a tightening I don't recognize. I quickly wipe those strange tears away, looking up to the ceiling, as if it could help stop them. Enough is enough. I drop the photo and swiftly turn and sit at the end of the bed, returning to that house of mysteries once again, hands already working, searching for something. Anything, there has to be SOME answers.

Finally I find it. Well I find something. A cassette tape.

_They still make these things?_

I'm back in the living room within seconds, thanking all that is holy for our outdated stereo, the first and probably last time that'll ever happen. I push the tape in and press play, an act quite foreign to me. I don't even bother with the couch, instead kneeling before the entertainment system. Ok, so it's a table with a tv and said stereo on it.

Suddenly a familiar voice fills the room. A voice far too familiar.

"_So I just start talking? Ok. Well, I'm Spencer Carlin. I'm almost nineteen, in just a few weeks actually. Sorry, you probably don't need to know that. Well...I'm here today because...God, I didn't know it'd be this hard. Just...saying it. I'm sorry. Can I just have a minute? I can do this, I just need a minute."_

An eternity goes by.

"_Right. I'm Spencer Carlin. And today…today, I want to erase Ashley Davies from... my life."_

I'm hanging on my every word. Waiting to hear what comes next when an older mans voice starts speaking.

"_Ok, Spencer. Would you mind telling me a little bit about Ashley. What was the nature of your relationship?"_

There's a long pause. I can practically hear the awkwardness settling in the silence, finally my voice fills the room once again.

"_Um…well. Ashley was my…my girlfriend."_

I hear myself take a deep breath.

"_I mean. She was more than that. She was everything. Love of my life. Best friend. I can't even tell you what she was to me. You can't put a bond like that into words. It's just..."_

My voice pauses for a moment, and I notice the new vulnerability in my words. And I completely know what it means. I know just what it means when my voice turns that way. It means I'm ready to do some talking. And thankfully, in that moment, someone is ready to listen.

"_It's ok, Spencer. How bout we just start from the beginning. Ok? … I'm all ears. Whenever you're ready."_

And there in my measly apartment, listening to my own trembling voice, I realize I'm right there with him. I'm all ears. And I've never been more ready.


	4. The Ghost In You

You know those moments right before a really big storm? When everything is so strangely still. So quiet, almost to a scary extent. You can see it, the trouble on the horizon. The ominous clouds right above you. Well as cliche as it is, and believe me I hate to be that cliche, that's me. I can't help it. Because right there in my eerily quiet apartment, I'm watching the storm ahead. I'm seeing all the trouble to come. And as much as it frightens me, as much as it almost paralyzes me. I can't take my eyes off it. My sights are set, I'm out there in the open field, arms outstretched, face turned to the sky. Waiting for the rain. Waiting for it to fall right down on me. Fall so hard, change me, break me, and make me new.

And before there's time for a doubt, before there's time to turn and run from the rush, the flood begins.

"_I guess it all started on one of my first days as a junior at King High. See, my mom had just gotten offered a job there, in Los Angeles, as an ER surgeon. So as a family we all decided to take the chance and make the move. Just like that we picked up our lives in Ohio and started a new one in California."_

No, no, that was what we did when we moved to New York.

"_Well L.A. was a completely different city. One minute my brothers and I were in small town Ohio, where we knew the rules, you know? The next we're in this new city, where everything moved faster...harder. And there were no rules. I could tell right away that something had changed in me, and it only became more apparent the minute I met her. The minute Ashley and I crossed paths."_

I hear myself genuinely chuckle.

"_Or collided more appropriately. When we met it was a disaster. I tried to get her to help me out, you know, point me in the direction of my next class, but I just made a mess. Somehow in a matter of like 30 seconds I manged to make her drop all her books and her coffee, or was it a cappuccino? Well, regardless of what it was, our first meeting did not go smoothly. I remember feeling more upset than I should have. I mean she's the one that was rude to me, especially when I tried to help her, picking up her stuff, she actually snapped at me for helping. And you know what? I wasn't even mad. I should have been mad. But I wasn't. I was only sad. Sad that she didn't want anything from me. She didn't want one thing from me. Not my name or anything. And of course it only made me more curious. Yeah, I was pretty much dying to know who she was."_

My voice trails off a bit, hearing myself reliving a moment without even knowing it. Feeling myself reliving a past I don't even remember, making me sigh a deep sigh.

"..._But, thankfully, it wasn't long till I found out. Later on that same day, after my cheering practice...man, cheering. God, that feels so long ago."_

Uh, Spence, who cares about the cheering, get on with to the other _important_ stuff...

"_Sorry. I know cheering isn't what this is about."_

...Thaaaaank you.

"_Anyway I was on the bleachers in the gym, waiting for Glenn to finish basketball practice so he could drive us home. Suddenly there she was. Just walking up those bleacher steps like she owned them, before she sat right down next to me, like we were friends. She leaned over, or something, I saw her tattoo and thought she was crazy. And she was. But in such an amazing way. Ashley did things her way, she answered to no one. It was so...I don't know..alluring. "_

Another thoughtful pause. Jesus, at this rate...

"_I remember the exact second things changed for me. When I knew I was getting in over my head. It was just a few hours after first meeting Ashley. We were lying on her bed, just talking about boys or something. We both fell back onto the bed, her hand fell onto mine...and there it was. A spark I couldn't explain. A feeling I'd never felt before. We looked at each other for a few seconds, my eyes found a picture of her and some girl looking awfully close, and something in the air changed. Man, it was awkward. She quickly took her hand away, I quickly looked back to the TV. And that was it. Just that little touch, and things were all going to change._

_I was going to change. And for the better. Firstly I quit cheering, which seriously, that was never me."_

Again, thank you. That's what _I've_ been saying.

"_I started really finding out who I was, you know? It was so new, and exciting, and terrifying...but I was happy. So happy, in such a different way than before. And it was pretty much because of Ash. The two of us. We just became so incredibly close. We were together constantly and I loved every minute of it. Just me and her, building this world for only us, just us, you know what I mean?_

_I remember when I knew she was what I wanted, no doubts, no fear. I went to her house, she was passed out from doing God knows what earlier...I never asked, never really needed or wanted to know. We just slept the whole night, I woke up at one point and she was holding me, and even though it was this gorgeous, tiny girl's arm wrapped around my body...I'd never felt safer. It took a few days for Ash to be ready. I remember her telling me that she thought she wasn't ready because she was afraid she'd scare me away, but then she realized...she realized she was the one afraid. For once she met someone who could actually hurt her. She was with someone she didn't want to hurt."_

A thoughtful laugh.

"_I told her something about being able to take care of myself, and I remember, I remember perfectly...how her face fell. It was so adorable but heartbreaking at the same time. It didn't take long for me to sweetly assure her I'd be able to take care of her too, and then her face lit up. God, she was beautiful. Yeah, it was pretty much right then and there that I realized I'd fallen for her._

_Finally, we were both ready for whatever was to come. She invited me back to her place that night, we had our first kiss...and...well...I mean, you know..."_

Oh lord, way awkward. Keep talking, _please,_ keep talking.

"_Right. So that was...that...um..."_

A nervous, almost bashful, giggle fills the room. It's adorable and it goes right through my heart. Oh, I remember you. I remember that girl. And I miss her.

"_Nothing was the same after that. With us. Well yeah, that's not too surprising. But everything else changed too. It was around then that Ashley's father was killed in a car accident. It was so devastating. It nearly broke her. And it only became worse when Kyla showed up. Kyla being the sister Ashley never even knew she had. I know, crazy, right? A complete stranger literally shows up at your door and you have to let them in. Because they're your family now, and you just have to accept it. I can't imagine what that must have been like. To one day find out everything you thought was true, what you thought your life was...really wasn't that at all."_

Sounds vaguely familiar...

"_So things were kind of rough at first, just so much to take in, you know? But with each day, things got a little easier, and to be honest, Kyla was actually pretty nice. She was actually really cool. While it took awhile, Ash finally realized it too. Realized that Kyla was family, and maybe that wasn't such a bad thing. Maybe that was a blessing. And at the end of it all, Ashley and I ended up stronger, the two of us, we became stronger. I broke down her walls, she let me in. Let me help her with all she was going through. It brought us to a whole new level. A new amazing, unbelievable, just beyond anything I've ever known...level..._

_Yup. I was in love. I was very much in love. And one day she let me know she was too."_

There's a happy sigh, one I surprisingly echo, and I feel the tiniest hint of a smile on my face.

"_Things were going perfectly. So perfect until one night when mom, well when she walked in on us...you know..."_

A) Awkward. B) Shit. Hitting. The. Fan.

"_Yeah, it was bad. Really bad. She flipped. I flipped. It was awful. My mom, she has these beliefs. She just couldn't accept it. Which I still don't understand. I don't think I ever will. How can you not accept love and happiness into someone's life? I'm her daughter! How could she not want those things for me?"_

My shaky voice rattles across the apartment walls. Painting them with my broken past.

"_But then there was my dad, he was amazing. He did everything he could to help us. He somehow managed to make mom see that my relationship with Ashley wasn't going to go away, and if she kept acting like it would, if she kept actively pushing it away, well, she'd eventually push me away too. So Ashley and me, we kept seeing each other. But things, they just weren't the same. While my dad was on our side and did so much for us, he couldn't do everything. He couldn't completely change my mother. She may have seen that our love wasn't going to go away, but she made sure we hardly had time to act on it. _

_ "There were these, like, guidelines. These restrictions. 'You get to see Ashley during the week at school. And you can hang out with her on Tuesday and Friday nights only.' Honestly, how is that any way for a relationship to grow? It's not. Plain and simple. And we worked, we really worked to be together. It was hard. God, it was so hard. We went from it being just the two of us, me and her with nothing outside of that ever mattering...to suddenly everything outside that mattering. What lie was I going to tell mom tonight? How was I going to convince her otherwise the second she called me on it? I'm not gonna lie, it hurt. It really really hurt not having all I wanted. Not having everything I needed. Suddenly it was like our relationship had to become this secret. We had to sneak around again. Which...I'll admit...at first it was kind of fun, that risky kind of fun. But it grew old quick, and just became frustrating. Really fucking frustrating. Sure we were in a relationship, but it was like...I don't know, it was like we weren't at all. With all the lies, all the restrictions...it just put barriers on what we once were... the amazing bond, amazing relationship we once had was changing, it was weakening."_

There's a deep sigh that shifts the air of my apartment, compressing the empty space surrounding my little body, shrinking me into its overwehlming heaviness.

"_And what...what hurt most, what hurt more than anything, was the fact I could feel it all. I felt Ashley pulling away from me. I felt it so much that it was like I could literally see her fading away on me. And I couldn't reach her. I couldn't stop the distance. I couldn't make things right. I couldn't keep us from going where we were inevitably heading. The one person who meant more than anything to me. Someone who meant more than myself, you know? That's what she was to me. That's what we had. Barely eighteen and we found what so many spend their whole lives looking for. We had an unconditional and pure love between us. And I was losing it. I was watching it slip and slide through my slippery fingers. Doing everything I could to stop it, but nothing worked."_

My voice starts choking up all around me, echoing off every wall, cracking it with painful sobs, and all I want to do is make it stop. All I want is to help that girl. I want to help me.

"_But Ashley wasn't. She wasn't doing all she could. No, she started to give up. And it hurt. I mean, come on, if you want something hard enough, if you want to save something so amazing, you work for it! No matter what, you don't quit, you don't give up. You fucking do everything in your power to keep it cause it's all you got. Cause...what else is there?"_

Silence pelts down like rain overmy living room. Over my hunched and crunched form.

"_So, yeah...I guess that's when things started to unravel. The beginning of the end as they call it."_

There's laughter, unsettling laughter, and boy is it bitter. It's so bitter that the chill somehow reaches me, listening on the outside.

"_We came to the end of that road soon enough. Things completely stopped unraveling because there was nothing left to unravel. Because in one quick moment our relationship, everything between us, stopped existing. Because I found her. I found the 'love of my life', the person I would've taken a bullet for, no hesitation. I found her with someone else. I found her with...him. With Aiden. I don't even want to get into who Aiden was. I don't even want to say his name. I'll just say I found them in what was once our bed. What was once for me and Ash. Doing what...doing what was meant for us. Only us. It makes me sick just telling you about it."_

Something stirs in my stomach. Something like anger. Something like betrayal. And it baffles me. Why am I feeling remorse? Why am I pained? The Spencer outside of this situation, the clueless one in her apartment, why is she suddenly feeling so very inside it all?

"_And what makes me even more sick, the really messed up part? I still miss her. I miss her with all my being. I miss her laugh. Her smile, the one where her nose would wrinkle, the one telling me it was so real. The one she used just for me.God, just talking about her like this, remembering her, it makes me sad. So unbelievably sad. Because I don't have it anymore. I don't have her. I don't get to see that smile. I don't get to live our inside jokes. I can't watch our shows. I can't hear our songs. It's like...like I'm in a prison. I'm living behind this constricting bars, holding back my life. Putting it on indefinite pause. And I can't escape it. I can't start it again._

My little girl voice hiccups and stutters. Sending so much hopelessness inside this already hopeless apartment, sinking it even further into the dirty ground.Sinking a forgotten past so far inside my dusty forgotten heart.

_I feel like I'm suffocating. I do. Some mornings I wake up and I can't breathe. I can't. And I just don't understand it. I don't understand, if she's the one who did something wrong, why am I the one who feels like they're being punished? Why am I being punished?"_

I barely notice the aching in my knees, the stiffness in my back. I'm leaning so close to the stereo. So close, as if I could leap inside it. Leap inside and wrap myself around myself. Save her and change her and make her ok.

"_I just want to feel better. That's all. I want to smile again. One smile. __I want my life back. I want to wake up one morning and not already be sad. Just one morning. __I want to be the girl I was before I ever met her. I want it back. Everything. It's life, things happen, it's hard, I know that. I know I have to be strong. But I've tried, I've tried and I know this is different. This is just not going to go away._

_I didn't know what to do. I didn't know until Mom came to me. For once she actually did something right. She gave me your card, Dr. Mierzwiak. I just hope...I don't know..."_

The loneliness, the desperation in my voice is just...

"_Will you help me?"_

...it's heartbreaking.

"_Yes. Yes, we are going to help you Spencer. This procedure, it can save you. It's the first step in getting your life back._

The silence seems to drag on forever, until the click of the cassette shatters it.

"NO!"

Bellows from my gaping mouth, not even realizing I've said it. Hearing my voice from somewhere outside myself. And I just keep sitting there, shaking my throbbing head in utter disbelief. Keep sitting right there staring at the stereo. Zeroing in on the cassette deck, its wheels at a clear standstill. But I just keep staring at it, as if it'll magically start up again. Finally, I fall back to the floor, releasing my sleeping legs from beneath my body. They're no doubt thankful, relishing in the fact that they have feeling in them once again. But I hardly notice. I hardly feel the pins and needles. Pinching me awake. Pinching me into feeling. But it's useless. I'm numb. I'm so numb. Shocked into oblivion as my worn body hunches over. Feeling like someone's just pulled a thick rug right from beneath my heavy body.

After what feels like an eternity, I feel something. My hand, it's holding something, and it's holding oh so tight. Lifting it from the floor, I look at what I've been grasping an there in my greedy possession is the picture. The picture of Ashley and me in bed. It's been with me this whole time.

But it looks different somehow. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time. I'm actually seeing it and somehow, I'm actually feeling it. It actually strikes something in me. I can't understand it. I don't know why. But as I stare at the two of us, as I look at this gorgeous human being beside me, I feel something I don't ever remember feeling. And I just can't explain it.

Because as I look at Ashley. As I see her so close. So close to me. I feel us. I feel her. And suddenly, just like the girl on the tape, I miss her.


	5. Daylight Fading

The sun's slow descent began just a little while ago, and I can see it all perfectly right here. Right here in my favorite spot, drinking my favorite drink, breathing in my favorite friend. Three things most familiar to me. And believe me, right now, I need that. I need the things of "now". I need the fire escape, a Jack and Coke, and a life saving Parliament light.

_How's that for an oxymoron?_

I glance down at the cigarette between my fingers, the last one of the pack, so clearly I'm milking it for all it's worth. Watching the fiery ash burn dangerously close to my hand, just watching it disappear. I feel the heat right on my skin and decide it's time to let it go. 

Let it all go.

I'm not without comfort, though, I quickly replace one addiction with another. My cocktail's already sitting happily and coolly in my hand, twirling the glass, watching the cubes of ice play inside. I take a long sip, feeling the cold liquid refreshingly slide down my throat, sating where the sharp smoke just was. Absolutely loving that contrast.

Finally, I pull my other hand into my lap, the one clutching my cell phone. And I just sit there, starit at it, fingers pressing the side volume button, causing the front panel to light up, displaying some asinine image.

_Clearly I'm the girl who keeps the default image as the wallpaper. _

The time flashes before me, and I can't believe it. When the hell did it become seven?

_Seriously, what have I done today? Really, what exactly does one DO on a day like today? I can't even remember what got me to this point. I know I listened to that tape again. And again. And again. I think there was a shower somewhere in there, followed by some dressing of myself. Evidently smoked through the rest of my cigarettes. And decided to start in on some drinks. Man, I don't think this is what Brynn meant when she wanted me to do something productive with my day._

I take another drawn out swig from my old pal.

_Oh well._

I stare blankly at my phone. Hoping it'll decide for me. Hoping it'll make the decision I've been struggling with for God knows how long. 

_Glen: absolutely not. Like that was ever a possibility.  
Clay: Maybe, definitely a top contender.  
Mom: I don't know why, but I know I'm not ready to make that call. For some reason I know she's not going to give me the answers I need. Not yet, anyway.  
Dad: ..._

I flip the phone open and let my fingers find the right numbers. But I can't hit the last one. My thumb just hovers over it. Blanketing that remaining five. I quickly shut it again. My mind is racing. Once again I can't figure it all out. I can't decide what I want to do. So I do what's easiest. Tilting my head back, I drink till the ice meets my lips. Till it's all that's left. I look out to that fichus tree on the neighbor's roof again. And suddenly it dawns on me.

_Where the hell is Brynn?_

Before I can open my phone to find out, the door opens.

_Weeeeird. _

I giggle at the coincidence. I giggle too much.

_Yeah, I'm slightly tipsy. Ok, I'm a bunch tipsy. Not surprising, really, considering I'm finishing my third drink on an empty stomach. Oh well, I've never had a thick tolerane and desperate times..._

Brynn makes her way into the ever darkening room, flicking the light on along the way. Brightly shining on the mess I've created.

_Ohhhh, right, about that I might have gone through every item inside that box. Searched through every article of my relationship with Ashley. Studied every photo, love letter, gift, don't disturb sign (trust me, I'm just as curious). _

See, I did do something productive!

"Hey..." Brynn toes through the mess, as if it were broken glass, "...it looks like you've been..." her eyes fall on my little partner in crime, "...busy."

I notice her concern with my early start on happy hour, but ignore it. When she finds out what's going on, she'll understand. So I walk past her, instead, going straight for the bottle sitting stoically on the kitchen table. Just waiting for me under the light.

"Where've you been?" I ask, pouring my drink, somehow lighter with the coke this time around.

"I kind of hung around campus, you know, caught up on some stuff. I thought you might...I mean, maybe you wanted to be alone?"

_I can actually hear those egg shells cracking beneath Brynn's timid feet._

"Yeah..." Walking back to my home on the window sill, smirking smugly, "...I guess that was a good idea. Sorry about..." My hand with the glass points to the remnants scattered about "...all that."

She moves back to the couch. Smart enough to know she should get comfortable. "So you wanna talk about it?"

With a deep exhale, I watch the sun disappear behind the trees far off in the distance, as if it were my life, "I was in love once..." A definitive head nod to go with my definitive, yet vague, confession, "...with a girl," I swallow hard, "...with Ashley."

Finally, I grant myself the courage to look toward her, to brace myself for her surprise. But I only find her as she was. I only find her unmoved with a blank stare. Blank until it fades into fear. Until her eyes jump into nerves, avoiding my eyes like a ghost.

_You know the moments when you ask someone about something you're suspicious of? Something you don't want to believe is true, but you have to ask. And when you do ask, you'll get two reactions: the first and the one you're hoping for is that of utter shock. Utter shock that you'd even think those things. A swift denial and explanation following it._

The second reaction, the telling one, is where they say nothing. Where they only look toward you unsure. As if they're deciding how they want to go about this, knowing that whatever they do in this moment will change everything. Do they lie, therefore putting themselves in even further trouble? Or do they come clean, get it all out there, also knowing it puts them in further trouble. It's a lose lose. And the longer they wait to decide, the more the truth becomes blatantly clear.

And right now, Brynn is taking a long time. Brynn isn't even surprised by my omission. No. She's just sitting there. She's giving me... that second reaction. The one that makes everything so heavy. The one that makes me more and more nauseous. The one that has me praying to anyone that she's not going to say...

"I know." 

_...what I think she's going to say._

My grip on my glass tightens, threatening to crack it entirely. 

"What?" My voice is low, but the word comes out deafening.

Her eyes are brimming, just filling with tears. Tears you can tell have been there for a long time.

"God, Spence, I've wan-"

"No." I stand, slightly unsteadily, pointing my glass at her, "No. You don't get to say that. You don't get to say you wanted to tell me."

I give her a look I've never given anyone before. A look so full of pain and betrayal. Because when you guard yourself as closely as I have, you never run that risk. The risk of being crossed like this. Of being shattered into inconsolability. 

"You...you knew? All this time? How long?!"

She shakes her head, tears steadily rolling down her cheeks, shaking over her quivering lips. Refusing to answer me.

"Tell me Brynn. Really, how long have you known?" My mouth hangs open, my own chin starting to quiver. I can't tell if it's from sadness or anger.

She waits long, she waits so long to answer. "Since high school. Not too long after we first met." The last of her words come out so quiet, a sob swallowing them completely. She can't even look at me, her focus is on the floor.

I fight the tears, I fight them with all my might.

_God, what more? What fucking more?_

I stare at her with such cold eyes, knowing it's the only way to keep those bitter tears down. And I just keep boring my heated eyes into her, not turning away until she looks at me. Until she mans up, and when she finally she does, it only sends a more fresh tears from her weepy eyes.

"I'm so so sorry, Spence. I... I can't even...I just...your family...they..."

Shaking my head, hoping to just shut her off. Hoping to throw away her useless words. "No...I don't want to hear it. I don't want..." She's curled over and shaking on the couch, trying so hard to make me see how sorry she is. But I can't see it. And what really scares me? I don't know if I ever will.

"I don't want anything from you." I grab my jean jacket and swiftly make my way for the door. Her sobs are the last thing I hear as I shut it behind me. But I don't care, I'm numb to it. I'm on my way to a place where no one knows any of this. Where no one can hurt me.

-----------------

A few more hours, and a few too many cocktails later, I find myself sitting comfortably at another home: the bar. I'm just sitting there, rotating my glass back and forth between my little hands. I could be the most anti-social person here. Just me and Jack, fighting the night together. It's one of those nights where I need so much more than a good time. I need to escape. I need to get away from it all.

_What the hell happened tonight?_

I take a long sip of my drink. The dull taste satisfying me to no end. All I want to do is get out of my head. I just want to stop thinking. Stop thinking about Ashley. About Brynn. But that's obviously impossible. The picture is still with me, the one of the two of us in bed. It's just hanging out in my back pocket. I can't seem to let it go. And as for Brynn, well this is my first time making the Lucky adventure without her. And it kills me to admit this, but I feel sad. I don't feel right on my stool without her sitting on hers next to me.

_Stop...stop, stop, stop._

I quickly turn my head to the side. Pain sketching itself across my every feature. _She_ did something wrong. _She's_ the one that should have told me. Should have been the friend she was supposed to be. I gasp as a new thought surfaces.

_Was she only friends with me out of pity? Is that...is this what our friendship has always been about?_

I can't even bear _that_ thought. I can't even touch on that right now. So I take a deep sigh and finish off my drink. Immediately sliding it forward, waiting for the bartender to serve me up another. And she does, however she lets me know "this one's been taken care of."

"By who?" I ask, praying it's not Brynn.

_But, in reality, I'm praying it is Brynn._

The bartender, Lucy [_my lone friend in this joint_, doesn't answer. Just points down to some brunette at the end of the bar. Make that gorgeous brunette. I shyly smile as an immediate rush fills my body. We hold each others stare for what seems an eternity.

Now maybe it's the drinks. Or maybe it's all the shit that's happened today. But somehow I find myself boldly making my way towards her. That shy smile quickly becoming a sexy one. And I have no clue what I'm up to. What I'm about to do. But I do know two things. I'm going to regret this. And I could care less.

"Hey" I practically purr while extending a friendly hand towards her "Spencer."

She takes it, gently yet assertively, "Amanda." Her smile's pretty contagious, I have to admit, and it sends a nice little spark inside of me, "...but please call me Mandy."

"Well...Mandy..." I lean in a bit closer, whispering into her ear, obviously having to with the bombastic music in the background.

_Whatever you say..._

"...Thanks for the drink." I go to take away my hand, but she keeps it in hers, fingers coming to softly caress the inside of my wrist. "No problem."

We stand there, the heat between us just escalating and escalating.

_Now this is where I'd usually turn and walk away. Whispering some ridiculous goodbye, maybe even a soft kiss on the cheek for good measure. I always cut and run before any girl can get any kind of idea. But something tells me, in this moment, that's not what's going to happen._

I don't know how much time passed before we unsurprisingly found ourselves in the bathroom.

_What'd I tell ya?_

It's all a big cloudy haze in there. I can't tell her body from mine. Her actions from mine. Her hands in my hair from my hands beneath her shirt. I can't see straight. I don't know if it's from the drinking. But I can hardly keep my eyes open. I wanted to be the one pinning her down, the one in control; I always am. But I just can't find the strength. I'm absolutely putty in her hands, and definitely not in the romantic sense. My body's so motionless against such a dingy wall; just letting her kiss and suck and pull and tug at me. Letting her control me. Letting her have me. Completely in every way she wants. And it should be frightening, giving someone, a stranger, so much power. But it's not. It's only comforting. Because, finally, someone's doing something for me. Finally, someone's making a decision.

She's working away on my neck now, throwing her all into it, but I barely feel it. It's like I'm outside myself. It's like my conscience knows better. Knows I need to pull myself away from _this_. Or maybe it really is me. Maybe I'm losing interest. Because I'm not sure I'm even touching her anymore. And then it hits me. The regret. It's finally seeping inside my bones. It's all starting to feel wrong. So wrong. Not because this isn't like me; sadly the bathroom fucking isn't all that surprising. But what is surprising, is the feeling that I'm being unfaithful. That this isn't who I should be doing this with. And I close my eyes tighter because of it. Scrunching them into oblivion, while my hand blankets over them. As if it could save me from this dire situation.

Suddenly she comes to my mind. Suddenly I see her. Ashley. She's in here with me, she's looking at me. She's all around me. Amanda, or Mandy, or whatever the hell her name is, doesn't even notice my quiet sobs. I feel guilty, I feel wrong. I keep wishing more and more that I was with her. With Ashley. I insanely want her, this person I've never met, with me. And it leaves me asking one thing:

_What am I doing?_

"What am I doing?" My voice is just above a whisper as I push her away from me, "…What am I doing?" I say it louder this time, looking at this confused girl before me and knowing she's not going to answer. With the completely perplexed look across her dazed face, I finally realize she can't give me _anything_ I want.

"I'm…I'm sorry, I just thought you...I thought we…" She starts, unsure, and still fazed, but I can see the humiliation raining down on her.

But I don't have time to sate her insecurities or hear what else she has to say. I can't. This room is suffocating me. I need out. This bar is suffocating me. I need out. So I walk up to my stool, simply throwing whatever cash I have left out on the bar, slipping on my jacket, and I'm out of there. I'm out of there so fast, and I have one destination in mind. I need answers and there's only one place I can go, one place I can find them. I need to go back. 

Somehow I'm home before I even realize it. I'm back inside our apartment. And I'm crawling right into Brynn's room. I can't even speak yet. I just stand there in her dark room, and it's my turn to sob. It's my turn to wait for her to see me.

Finally a light comes on and it feels like it literally saves me.

"Spence..." Brynn quickly sits up, it's clear she hasn't been sleeping at all. She looks at me so unsure of what to do. Should she try to comfort me, try to hug me? Or start in on her desperate explanations, her useless apologies.

I'm not going to let her do either, however. I'm not ready to deal with anything between us. I'm here for one thing and one thing only.

"I don't know what's going on, I don't know how I feel. But I know you can help me, and..." I stutter out, choking on my tears. "...I need you to help me."

"Anything you want, Spence, anything." Her voice is desperate, but I hear her hopefulness. Her believing she can fix this. Foolishly believing she can fix me..

"I need to see her...find her. You have to tell me where she is."

Brynn looks baffled, but at the same time, knowingly, "Who?"

I stop crying for the briefest moment, wanting it to come out as clear as glass. Needing there to be no mistaking what I want.

"Ashley."


	6. Hard Candy

"Hey..."

Shifting my already throbbing head on a not even there pillow, I feel my neck stiffen like a wooden board; the steady ache of a even more steady hangover happily settling in.

_Sleeping on my stomach was a bad idea._

"Spence..." a few unwelcome kicks to my mattress jostles about my worn out body, "you awake?"

Some incoherent grunt escapes my lips as I shuffle around the bed.

_Oh yeah, that'll tell her to leave me alone.  
_

I can still feel _her_ presence hovering over me and it's quickly becoming annoying. So much so it causes me to squint the-eye-not-buried-into-my-pillow open. Looking straight ahead, everything a bit hazy, I manage to see my best friend (a bottle of Jack Daniels) out before me. Make that a now empty bottle.

_We're so in a fight._

Flicking my eyes down somewhat, I see two bare legs connected to some running shoes. It's enough to make me turn over slightly, giving me a chance to further examine this unfolding scene. It's also enough to make the light blatantly shining through the windows even more offensive.

_There's no doubt about it: today is going to be rough._

I partially cover my sensitive eyes with one hand, shabbily shielding them from the blinding light. There above me is Brynn, looking down on me with a coffee in her hand and water bottle in the other. Dressed in her usual jogging garb.

_Oh it's you..._

"Oh it's you..." Bitterly breathed from my pouty lips, yesterday's events rushing back inside me. Well most of them anyway. I collapse back onto the bed, fully prepared to ignore her completely.

However she's not going away. Nope. She's actually shaking my shoulder. "Come on, Spence, let's go for that walk."

"Fuck no, we're not going for a walk." I attempt to bark out, my groggy sleep filled voice not helping me sound as angry as I'd like. I turn my head away from her, "I don't have to go anywhere. Especially with _you._"

I feel her still standing there, "Well...actually...when you're in my bed you do."

_Now I'm awake._

Shooting up from the bed, clearly a little too fast for my brain as it takes a few minutes to catch up with the rest of my body, I realize I am, in fact, in Brynn's room. In her bed. Well her two mattresses on the floor.

_I think...I just vomited...in my mouth._

"You passed out in here last night." She states plainly, looking beyond me towards the wall. She kind of stands there for a few seconds as I rub my eyes, trying to process the morning. Process where I am and what's going on. Meanwhile, Brynn looks like she's processing things for herself. Finally she does something and throws the water bottle down onto my lap.

"Come on." Before I can protest she throws my cherished hoodie on the bed, and walks out.

_Well...gotta do it sometime, I guess I might as well be hungover and already at rock bottom._

She's waiting for me outside on our apartment steps, just standing there with her arms crossed watching Mr. Langley mow his lawn across the street. She turns her head slightly when she hears me open the front door.

"I would've gotten you a coffee too, but I know how you feel about those when you're...well when you're not feeling too-"

"It's fine." I walk past her, reaching inside my hoodie's front pouch for my lighter and cig–

_Dammit._

"Here." Brynn hands me a fresh pack, "I picked them up when I got the coffee."

Snatching them from her friendly hand, I almost thank her. Luckily, though, I catch myself just in time, before it's too late. Can't have her thinking I'm gracious for anything she does for me.

We start a slow walk down our street. I don't even know what I'm doing here. Brynn's hands are tucked safely in her fleece pockets, as she takes in our surroundings. As she safely (and smartly) takes in everything but me.

"It's a nice day. Good spring day. I can't believe it's going to be sum-"

"Stop." It's an order, one that I thoroughly mean, because _this_ is not time for small talk. Shoving my lighter back in my pocket, I inhale my first relief of the morning, and Brynn stays silent. Brynn just keeps walking beside me.

Through a smoky cloud, I get the ball rolling, "So what's this all about Brynn? Any more secrets you wanna share?" I finish it with a bitter laugh, shooting a tense line between the two of us. Definitely setting us apart and I can feel Brynn's timidness, her stiffness. But she takes it all in, takes it in stride. Takes in everything I'm giving her. I can tell she's going to keep doing that. I can tell she's going to accept everything this walk, this girl, is going to throw at her.

"Do you remember anything from last night?"

_Is she for real? Does she really wanna go about it this way? Well if she's asking for it..._

"Oh you mean the part where I found out that my best friend has been lying to me the whole time I've known her?" I raise my voice, a hint of satisfaction seeping through my words, "The part where I found out the person I thought would never ever betray me, has been doing just that all along?"

She nods her head. Again, just taking it. Just letting it hit her. I might as well strap on a pair of boxing gloves at this rate.

"Yeah..." Taking a deep drag, I relish in the false sense of power it gives me, as a dangerous smirk covers my lips, "Yeah...I remember that all perfectly."

I can hear her choking up, and through it, I hear her confusion. Her sense of loss. She doesn't know how to go about this. Go about whatever it is we're doing here. "Do you remember after you came home?"

_Jesus, what's with these questions? Does she want to relive one of the worst days of my life?_

"Of course I remember. I remember coming to you and asking you talk to me and then..." I trail off, my voice fading away.

_Keep going, you keep going, keep making her feel guilty._

"And then...we..." I fumble for the words. "...you...I..." And then it strikes me.

_What did happen after I got home?_

I just keep walking, not wanting to admit that I don't in fact remember.

She sighs, as if she doesn't want to relive it, but all the while knowing she'd have to anyway, "I didn't think you did." I notice she hasn't looked at me once this whole morning. "You kept asking me over and over again about it all. About...you know..." She awkwardly waits for me to either finish for her or let her go on. But I'm not going to do either.

"Nope. You're not going to do that Brynn. Say it." She's gonna have to own up to this just as much as me.

She takes a deep breath, "You wanted to know about her, about Ashley. Just about it all."

This just sets me off. "Jesus Christ, of course I wanted to know, Brynn. I want to know. Don't you think I fucking deserve that??" I stop walking, pulling her arm, forcing her to look at me.

But she won't, her eyes just look over my shoulder, her jaw locking, tears forming and falling from her eyes, beautifully. "Of course you deserve that Spence." Her eyes close as her arms cross. "You deserve so much more than... than any of this" Her voice comes out so soft, as if it were a confession from somewhere so deep inside herself.

"But last night..." She starts walking again and I follow, "You absolutely deserve to know everything Spence, but when we're both on, you know, sober terms."

I'd probably be offended by it, in my state, in this situation but, and it takes everything in me to admit this, she's right.

"But last night I couldn't convince you of that, which I totally understand...after going back and forth for a bit, you went and got the Jack and planted yourself right on my bed. Just drinking away, watching me. Finally I gave in and we started talking. But gradually your questions became less and less coherent as your body slid further and further up the bed. Eventually lying down and that was it, you were out. Hence –"

"Hence why I woke up in your bed." Nodding lightly I'm tempted to apologize, but I quickly come to my senses and remain silent.

I can tell she's waiting for me to say something, but realizes it's not going to happen, so she goes on. "Anyway, before you, you know, passed out, I asked if you wanted to go for a walk in the morning and continue talking, and you said yes. Well it was more of a slurred 'yeah' but either way," She kind of laughs, pitifully, and I feel her reaching for the old me. The one that used to belong to her. But it's not going to work. I'm here strictly on business.

And she finally knows it, she feels it as she floods with insecurity and embarrassment for reaching towards a long gone past. "So yeah...that's uh, what happened and now it's morning and...here we are..."

We both make the appropriate turn, heading for Thayer Street. Our usual walking route. I feel a pang in my heart at how things used to be. How there was once a time where I'd never imagine one of our walks being this awkward. A time when the idea of being furious with Brynn would be completely ridiculous.

She inhales sharply, as if she were about to leap from the high dive. "So what do you wanna know?" She says it so simply, as it it were as easy as that. It completely takes me by surprise. Because it's not that easy. It's not that cut and dry. And no one should make it seem that way. Especially her.

It hurts so much, maybe the reality really hitting me, as tears fill my eyes, pulling at them with their heaviness. And suddenly it all rushes back to me. Those floodgates are wide open and everything from yesterday is coming right out of me.

I look out towards the road, away from her, hoping I can shake away whatever moisture that's making it's sneaky way out of my eyes. "God...I don't know..." I bring the back of my hand up to my eyes, harshly wiping away.

I slide my sweatshirt covered hand to my mouth, completely guarding my vulnerability. "Everything."

"I have to be honest, Spencer, I wish I could tell you more but there's not much I even know." She hesitantly replies.

"I don't care. Tell me." My words are swimming in desperation at this point, as I face forward again."Please, just...tell me everything."

Our pace picks up as we walk around a group of teenage boys, ignoring whatever obnoxious words they throw our way. But even they're not enough to take us out of this moment, not enough to shift the heavy air surrounding us. Filling us. Swallowing us whole.

"I want you to know that this...me knowing this, it's never changed the way I think of you. How I feel about you. That day we met, the day we became friends. It was because I really liked you." It's her turn to stop me, and for the first time, look me dead in the eyes.

I don't say anything, but gaze back at her with what I know are unsure eyes.

"You have to know that, Spencer. Please tell me you know that." And I know she means it. I can feel it in her hands holding onto either one of my arms. I can see it in her eyes, looking straight through mine, reading my every move.

But I can't let her know that. So I shrug. "That's not what this is about. That's not...that's not important."

_Oh how I lie..._

She stares at me disbelievingly, clearly hurt, but composes herself. She knows she doesn't have a right to question me about it. So she lets go of my arms, almost like she doesn't even realize she were holding them in the first place. Her own forward act surprising even herself.

Barely nodding her head, it takes a few moments before she speaks again. "It was about a week after we met." A light smile forms on her lips, "I really liked you, Spence. You were sweet, you know, just a really good person. I could tell you'd be a great friend." Her voice softens, there's a tone flushing over her words that I just can't read. "I could also tell that you could use one of those. A good friend. And not just because you were the new girl...but because there was just something..." A distant sadness slides into her broken voice, sinking my heart into my stomach, "it just seemed like you were missing something. You needed someone to be there for you. And I wanted to be that person for you. Because I knew you'd be that person for me."

I feel my lips curl in a small smile because I remember that time. I remember needing a good friend. And I remember knowing she'd be that person. She'd be _my_ person.

"Anyway, we were at your house watching that crappy movie...God, what was the name of it..." She rubs her forehead, "you know the one, it had Tom Hanks son in it, oh what is his name, you know it, come on..." She nudges me with her elbow, things still coming far too easily for us. "Come on, you know what it is, I hated the movie but you loved it."

"Orange County." Stated with as little emotion possible, I keep it indifferent. I don't want her to get any wrong ideas.

"Right, that's it, Orange County. Do you remember that day?"

I can't help but nod yes, a smile just itching to make itself known on my face. Of course I remember that day. Of course I remember the first fun time I'd had in what felt like forever.

"You know how I get with movies I don't like-I get wicked bad A.D.D. But you liked it and I didn't want to ruin it for you. And to be honest, I didn't want to show how neurotic I can be...well not yet, anyway." She genuinely laughs, and it takes everything in me to not join in.

"So I kept getting up for the bathroom, or a drink, or something to eat. Anything to keep moving."

_Oh yes, I remember and I also remember even then it was so annoying but I couldn't say anything. I didn't want to. I didn't want to scare you away, you were my only friend._

I feel myself tighten up, recalling how lonely everything was then. How alone I felt. How alone I really was.

"It was on one of my trips to the kitchen that I overheard your dad and Clay talking."

My stomach ties itself into about seven knots. Here it comes. I'd almost forgotten what this whole walk was for.

"I was in the hall, next to the stairwell, you know how it lead right to the kitchen, but you could still safely hide there? Well obviously you do, it was your house and all. Well, I could hear them talking about you. I didn't catch everything, but I definitely understood that there was a secret surrounding you, what happened to you before you moved here. I accidentally knocked over the umbrella stand and they both came running out into the hall to see what was going on. And that was it. Just like that and I was involved.

_I'm starting to feel foolish again, starting to feel like the idiot. Because I remember that night so well, I remember feeling so happy that I had found such a good friend. Someone who liked me for me. And now...now it's all been taken away from me. _

I clench my hands in my pocket.

"They didn't tell me then, but your dad asked if I'd stop by his office the next day. So I did, and he told me. He told me that you were actually two years older than you thought."

_Oh my god, I didn't even think of that. How could I not remember that? How could I forget the morning of the move to New York, when everything was so crazy. When suddenly it was the year 2006. Even though when I went to bed the night before I distinctively knew it was 2004. I remember everyone in my family telling me I was crazy. So much so, I started believing it myself. And when it comes to that, when you start actually thinking you're crazy, you learn to be quiet and ignore it._

_So at the risk of sounding crazy again, how fucking old am I?_

"He told me that you had already finished high school, had already done your junior and senior year in California. He told me how you met..." there's some hesitation before Brynn continues, "...Ashley. How she just made you come to life. You were so happy. But it was a struggle, that your mom was really hard on you, on your relationship with Ashley. He told me how he tried everything in his power to make it easier for you two. How he tried to change your mom's views. But it was hard. He didn't know how your relationship ended, but he knew you were devastated. You were absolutely heartbroken, and closed yourself off to everyone around you."

She sighs as if this were her life, and I would feel incredulous, if I could feel anything at all. If I weren't so numb.

"He knew it was going to be a hard road for you, but he had to let you go through it, because, and this is in his words, 'he raised a fighter'" she stops briefly, a small, almost proud, smile filling her face, "and he knew you'd make it through. That you were strong enough to get through it and would only come out stronger."

She pauses, the smile fading as she reaches up to a low hanging branch, pulling a leaf from it. Tearing it in her hands, she continues, cold as stone, "He didn't know that your mom took you to that clinic, Lacuna. To...you know...have your memory erased."

We pass a bench resting outside of a lone basketball court and I have to sit down. I need to, I'm tired of this walking. And Brynn has no objections, sitting right beside me, the stem of the leaf twirling about in her fingers. It makes me crave another cigarette and I don't hesitate in granting myself another one.

"Yeah, I guess she told you about the whole process or whatever, and basically held your hand through it all. Practically sat you down and fed you it. And then...then she didn't tell anyone about it...not even your dad. She did this behind everyone's back. Hell, she practically did it behind YOUR back." She shakes her head, it looks like she's really upset. But I feel so numb to it.

_Why do I feel like we're talking about someone else's life?_

"I could see the fury in your dad's eyes." She glances down at the bare leaf in her hand, a victim of her distress, a representative of my life, "He said he didn't know what to do, if he should tell you. Or let you forget it. I guess your mom made it clear what you guys were going to do. She decided you all needed to leave California...he didn't really get into it, but it seemed like everyone was going through some stuff. Dealing with their own problems."

_This is just too fucking surreal. Someone talking about your life and you're just there listening, hearing it all for the first time._

I sit there taking drag after drag, absorbing every word she's saying. Filling each correct puzzle piece where it belongs, hoping to see the end result. Hoping things will come together the more it fills out.

"So he finally gave in, your mom gave him no choice, she made all the arrangements. I guess she went and got you guys a place in the city without even telling him. I really don't know how it worked out, Spence. I really wish I did, but he wasn't too big on those details. On really any details. He just said that he had no choice but to go along with your mom's plan. And he had to make sure you never found out."

She leans forward, elbows resting on her knees, " And then I had to too. Now I was apart of it. This make believe world she basically created for you. He made me promise I'd keep it all from you." Her words come out strained, she keeps shaking her right leg, just watching each passing car.

I just don't know what to say to it all. It's all so fucking much to process. I'm still so mad at her, but what can I do? I hate it but for some reason I almost see her side. I'm just so spent right now. It's like every time I turn around there's more to find out. And with each new thing I learn, the more removed I feel.

"God Spencer, you have no idea how much I've-"

"Not yet, Brynn." I barely open my mouth to exhale a stream of smoke, feeling a sly tear slide down my cheek. Biting my bottom lip, I lean back against the bench, shaking my tears away, and she turns her head to look at me. But I keep my eyes on my hands. "It's not time.I'm not ready for that, yet."

She faces forward again, only nodding in what's probably understanding. We both sit there for what seems like hours, just sinking in everything that's surfaced. I can't even tell if this is a dream. I'm so far removed, it's not even funny. I think I'm just protecting myself at this point. There's only so much a human being can handle.

"You know I saw her once."

And like that I'm right back inside of it all. I'm wide awake and I'm sitting front row. Looking straight at her, almost through her, I carelessly flick my butt out into the road. However, her line of vision's on the road ahead, like she knows she has my attention. Like she doesn't even need to check I'm listening, she already knows I'm hanging on her every word.

"Yup. One day after school, during our senior year. Actually you were with me..." She says almost to herself, the memory gradually showing itself to her as well. "Yeah you were...it was the day of the big basketball game against Middletown. We decided to go over to Beth's before hand 'cause she had just scored that bag of weed...remember?"

_Yes, yes I remember, but I don't care!_

I quickly nod, urging her to continue. "Yeah it was that day, we walked out to my car, and there she was. There she was out across the parking lot, standing outside the fence. She was staring at you, and I knew exactly who she was. Your dad showed me a picture that day...in case a moment like that ever happened, if she were to ever show up..."

_If this were a movie (and believe me, that's basically what my life has felt like for the past two days) I'd be on the edge of my seat right now._

"I think you might have even seen her. Yeah..." She shakes her head, "No...you definitely saw her, because I remember it just confirmed it to me. Confirmed that you really didn't know who she was. It proved to me that you could actually erase someone from your life, because you didn't even give her a second glance. You simply observed her existence, you know? Just acknowledged someone was there before you just got into the car, waiting for me. But I stayed there, outside the car. I locked eyes with her, and I just felt so bad for her. She looked so unbelievably hurt."

I do not like the way this is making me feel. I feel bad for something I didn't even know I was doing. Something I had no control over.

"She got back into her car before me and drove away. And that was it. I never saw her again."

I swallow hard, my chest feels so heavy, I feel so overwhelmed. I don't want to talk about this anymore, I don't want to be on this park bench anymore.

"Do you wanna know?"

I look at her confused.

"You know the question you asked last night..." I continue looking at her questioningly and she finally understands that she needs to ask again.

"Do you wanna know where she is?"

_God. Do I? I don't even know._

"Come on Spence, you and I both know you do." She says genuinely, and I don't have to tell her I agree. "The last I'd heard, and that was a long time ago...she's in New York. She's in the city."

_Ok that's too much of a coinci-_

"Crazy coincidence, eh?" There she goes again, completely reading my mind. "I don't know if she knew you moved there. I really have no clue what she knows Spence, if she knows anything about what happened. You basically know everything I know now."

She leans back, sitting along side me, and I can almost feel the weight falling right from her shoulders.

_I know I keep saying this, but I don't know what's going on. I don't know how I feel about anything. This is a lot to fucking take in. A lot to process. I mean, I don't even know how mad I am at Brynn anymore. Of course I'm still hurt, and still mad, but with everything else going on, it just doesn't seem as important. Of all the things on my plate, I don't even know if I can get into what's happening with us. I don't even know if I want to anymore. Because at the end of it, she's still my best friend and right now I need that. No matter how upset I am, no matter what happened, I need someone to lean on, cause right now I have no one. She betrayed me, but so has everyone. Does that mean I push everyone away? I even betrayed myself._

_I need someone. I need it._

Turning my head to the side, a deep laugh pushing through my lips, "God this is all so fucked up." I say it without hesitation or lack of honesty and it feels good. It feels so good to just laugh and point out how messed up it all is. How messed up my life is. I look back towards her, "I mean...how fucked up is all this?"

She gives me an unsure look, like she doesn't know what she should say. She finally takes a deep breath, "Really fucked up, Spencer. Really fucking fucked up."

And suddenly, I start laughing. I'm laughing with the weight. With the relief. With my life. I'm tired, I'm so damn tired. Not too mention terribly hungover. I just had what might have been the longest, most fucked up, day of my life. And I just need something else. I need some release. And right now it's this. It's release. And finally Brynn joins in. Together we bear and unload the burden of our secrets.

Eventually our laughter subsides as we both echo a long drawn out sigh. Just sitting there with the sun on our faces, feet kicking away at the tiny rocks on the sidewalk. I start thinking about it all and suddenly it hits me - Brynn saw her. Brynn saw this person. She actually saw her, saw this enigma of a person. And I have to know. I have to ask.

"So..."I try to say it nonchalantly, looking down at my fingers. "what'd she look like?"

I can feel Brynn look at me with a crooked smile, "...like she was seriously gorgeous."

Waiting for Brynn to look away from me, before I let the uncontrollable smirk creep over my lips. I don't want her to see this moment. This private moment, because suddenly I feel something so strange. Suddenly I feel proud.

Brynn's voice takes me out of my moment, "So...what are ya gonna do now?"

It brings my face to hers, forming an answer, but then I realize I don't know what to say. I don't know what I want. So I just stare ahead, mouth slightly hanging open.

_What am I going to do now?_

It's a few moments before one of us does something. A few moments before Brynn slowly stands with her back to me, "Well I have the train schedule for the city,you know, if you should decide you want to use it." Her tone is nothing short of suggestive as she starts walking back in the direction of our apartment.

But I just sit there, watching her walk away from me. From all of this. I just sit there and let her words sink deep inside me. So deep. And I'm still left with one thought and one thought only.

"_What am I going to do now?"_

The answer finally comes to me. The answer that's so obvious. The one that all of you already came up with long before you even started reading this. The one you knew I'd make as soon as it was granted to me. But it's what I have to do. It's where I have to go, for so many reasons beyond Ashley.

I take a few more minutes on that bench, soaking in the sun, feeling the gentle breeze blow across my face, before I'm up on my feet. Before I'm following Brynn's footsteps, each step coming faster than the one before it. Each one bringing me closer to New York City.


	7. Recovering The Satellites

Just when I thought I couldn't feel more displaced, more distanced from myself, I find that I surely can. Because right now I'm lying on my bed, in what was once my room, eying every wall, each crevice, taking in everything that was once mine. And it's absolutely nauseating. There are actually pom pom's hanging out in the back corner by the closet. Oh and there's a framed picture of Deb and me on the dresser. That's all the evidence needed in showing how long it's been since I've come home to my mom's house in the city.

Ah. And there we have exhibit B. Mother. More proof of the distance and years I've wedged between me and this place. Let me tell you, when I showed up here just a few hours ago, things were not quite as comfortable as one would hope. But, of course, you already figured that'd be the case, didn't you?

----------

"Spence…" she stares blankly at me standing on her doorstep, backpack hugging my little body, practically swallowing my tiny frame whole. I just look at her, guarding my anger and confusion over recent discoveries, trying with all my might to hide it from her.

"Hey…I was just…" She mumbles, fumbling over her own words, "…you look…" her eyes cast down my broken form. It's blatantly clear the daughter she once knew is so far gone, leaving behind only this frail shell of who she used to be. This copy of a copy of a copy. And I can see her lips quivering slightly. Her chin trying so hard to remain still, eyes quickly becoming glossy.

_Oh please…please don't do it, don't cry. _

She takes one deep breath, a valiant effort at subsiding any tears, as she finally continues "…you look good."

_Well we now know where my lying skills originated from._

We both stare at each other, things growing more and more awkward by the second as a gust of wind sends my hair into its own little stormy mess, strands whipping across my face. Symbolically, and not to mention cruelly, showcasing just how on the outside I really am.

_Shouldn't she hug me at this point? At least let me inside?_

I've almost had enough of this sticky situation and am about to take things into my own hands. I'm about to just walk right past her. But then she does it. She raises her arms in the most unaffectionate and unattached manner, heading right for me.

_Is she going to hug me or choke me?_

We come together in what is usually referred to as an embrace, but it's far from it. My left arm presses directly into my face meanwhile her arms circle my tiny body, making every attempt to have it feel natural, but she's utterly failing. I put us both out of our discomforting misery and give her a few pats on the back with my right hand before immediately pulling away.

Ok. Here it is. My big chance to get it all out there. To finally speak my mind.

"Hi."

_Well, baby steps, it's all about baby steps._

----------

I've been in here ever since. This twilight zone bedroom of mine. Caught between closing in walls of a past I never wanted in the first place. But I'd much rather be trapped in here than drowning out there with _her_. It's safe to say we're both relieved to be shut inside our own secrets, tucked safely away from each others.

_I might just be paranoid, but I think mom knows something's up. Well she'd have to be a moron not to. Why the hell would I be here otherwise?_

This realization makes me even more paranoid. Paranoid she could come in here any minute now and question me. I'm not ready to deal with that talk. I don't know what I'm ready for, but that is something that just has to wait. As much as I want to lay into her for every lie, for everything she's done to me and my life. I have to wait. Wait till I know everything.

_Well you're not going to find out anything in this suffocating and depressing room, are you?_

Despite feeling the slightest bit crazy, I agree with my inner thoughts and hop off the bed, taking nothing but my handy iPod and smokes for the ride.

As I meet the city air, I have to admit how damn breathtaking it is this time of year. I never really got to see this place. I barely lived here when we moved, lasting here for maybe two months tops. And as you've already witnessed, it hasn't been at the top of my vacationing list.

_Can you blame me?_

I'm a bit hesitant on which way to go, I really don't have the faintest idea where I am, or where I'm going. Providence is practically a sleeping Pleasantville compared to this living and breathing city. Please forgive me for skipping out on details on my little journey here, but as I've already said, I'm clueless about this town. But I'll do my best. I can tell you that Mom lives right outside of Chelsea.

Starting my iPod, I set off along new and foreign streets. I suppose now would be a good time to tell you that I called Clay before I made it out here. Sorry I didn't mention it sooner, but it was basically everything you've already heard. You know the whole "So yeah, just thought I'd let you know that I found out about that little science experiment I went through that messed up all our lives, and now I'm going to New York City to make myself feel even more insane by searching for the love of my life who I don't even know. So...what's new with you?"

Ok I admit, I wasn't quite that flippant. But it's still a little hard to keep rehashing. It's still a little hard to even accept. I wonder if it'll ever get any easier. Not that telling Clay wasn't somewhat comforting. Not that I'm the luckiest sister ever to have a brother as understanding as him. Because when I told Clay I didn't have the bitterness, the righteousness I reserved for Brynn, that I'm stoking and building for my mother. No, with Clay, I felt and still feel nothing but remorse. But guilt for my foolish decision. For making a selfish choice of changing my own life, which inevitably ended up changing his life too. Changed it more than I'm sure he ever wanted. When I really think about, really let my mind marinate it without any biased opinions, I realize that what I did was incredibly unfair to everyone. Including me.

_Right. Moving on, really don't want to think about that right now._

Clay was really amazing. Everything I'd expect from my big brother, everything I wanted from him I received ten fold. And he was able to supply me with some more answers. Well at least information that could be useful on my little trip out here. Some information that's going to help move this all along. Information about some girl named Chelsea who I used to be friends with. He didn't say much about his relationship with her, but something tells me it was special, intimate, and devastating. He skipped past any details on their past and got right into the facts. Letting me know she lived in a studio apartment here in this big city. Apparently she's some kind of artist, and he said I should not hesitate in visiting. Obviously she already knows my whole paranormal history, because clearly I've been the only clueless one.

_I'm too tired to get angry. At this point I'm just thrilled there's someone here that can help me._

Somehow, I magically make it to her place. We'll disregard the fact it took probably five times longer than it should have. I'm always thankful for the little things. By luck someone's heading out as I'm heading in, allowing me to bypass the whole buzzer ordeal. Again, the little things are a blessing. I climb my way up the stairs, cursing this old building and it's non-existent elevator, and Chelsea for residing on the fifth floor.

_I'm a smoker people, be kind and cut me a break._

Speaking of smoking, I haven't even had one since I've gotten here. There's a shocker, for sure. This shocking realization takes me away from where I am briefly, making my arrival at her door a bit of a surprise. It takes some time for me to muster the courage to knock, leaving me to stare at her door like an idiot, shifting my weight on my shoes over and over again. Suddenly, a door opening to the side takes me from my thoughts, as her neighbor bumps into me. Pushing me to awkwardly stand aside in this narrow hall. And naturally, it's at this time that Chelsea decides to vacate the premises as well. Her door opening wide as she just stands inside it, at a complete standstill, eyes looking right through me, looking right through the ghost I've obviously become.

The rather chubby neighbor has no idea what kind of situation he's interrupting here. As he finally slugs his way down the stairs, his grunts and exasperations slicing through the thickness of the moment. And we both just stand there staring at each other, Chelsea's visibly shaken state becoming more and more obvious with each passing second. Finally, she starts talking but all I see is a pair of moving lips.

_Oh Spencer, you fool, remove the headphones._

I quickly tug them from my ears, "Oh jeez, I'm sorry. Chelsea right? I'm –"

"Spencer." She cuts me off with a forced breath, the word coming out so hushed. One arm crosses over her chest as the other drifts up to her face, hand lightly blanketing her mouth. She looks positively shocked and then suddenly she moves towards me, her arms opening and engulfing me. I feel myself return the hug, holding her close. It's the direct opposite of the one I experienced earlier, you know, with my mother. The one who's hugs should feel most natural. Most like home. And a wave of sadness hits me when I realize _this _is the first real hug I've received in a long time, and it's with someone I don't even know.

"Oh my god. How are you, girl?" She pulls away, and gives me a warm smile.

"Well...things have been better." I nod lightly, pushing my hands into my jean pockets.

She gives me this look, it's so comforting, as if we've been friends forever. "Yeah." She shakes her head slightly, and it says more than any words could. It tells me that she completely understands what's going on. She completely understands why I'm here.

"I'm sorry were you going somewhere? Cause I can come back?" Pointing behind me, I'm fully prepared to leave, not wanting to put her out. But hoping with all hope that I'm not. Hoping she won't let me leave.

"Are you kidding me? You're not getting away that easily..." A inside joke smirk fills her face, as if we've never been friends with anyone else "...Come on in..." She moves away letting me walk inside as she follows behind. It's a big open space, perfect for a painter, well if the work hanging on the walls is any indication of what she does. She leads me to a funky-artsy looking couch, inviting me to sit down.

_Even though I don't know her, I get the distinct feeling that this apartment suits her perfectly._

I take a seat as she ventures over to the fridge, calling over her shoulder "Do you want a drink or something?"

_Do I ever._

"No...no, I'm ok, thanks though."

_Remember how well things went last time I started drinking in the late afternoon._

She comes back towards me, that warm smile still residing on her face, and I already know I like her. I can already tell she's a genuinely nice person. She takes a seat, one bent leg tucked beneath her body, a water bottle resting in her hand on the couch.

"it's so wonderful seeing you, Spence." There's not a trace of dishonesty, or sarcasm in her words. It makes me feel good.

"Yeah..." I lightly smile. I want to say the same thing, but then my words wouldn't be nearly as true as hers. And she'd know it.

"It's ok...", She looks down at the bottle in her hand, her smile fading slightly, "...I know you don't remember me." Her voice sounds so sad, I have to say something.

"Well, that may be true, but I can definitely say that it is wonderful seeing you too." I say honestly, and she looks up to my face, warm smile returning.

"So tell me, where are you these days? What are you doing? Clay told me how you both went to school in RI, but we haven't...I mean...we haven't kept that much in touch..." Her voice trails off, and once again I feel sad for her, but this time I know I can't say anything to make her feel better.

"Yeah, yeah, we went to high school there. Clay went to school in Boston from there and I, well, I wasn't quite as college bound as he was..." I laugh, and Chelsea lightly joins in.

"Well, when it comes to your brother, I don't think anyone was as college bound."

_Yup, I definitely like her._

"So now I live in Providence with a friend, I bartend at a local bar, and that's about it. Really nothing that exciting." I smile, knowing that as of late that is so not true, and continue "...well nothing too exciting until a few days ago."

She looks at me knowingly, and tentatively begins, "I was wondering when this day would come. I mean, it'd be impossible to keep what happened to you a secret forever." Her voice comes to a halt, it looks like she feels as though she may have over stepped her bounds.

"No, it's ok, I mean, you're right." I try to give her a reassuring smile, let her know that it really is ok.

Her eyes tell me she feels comfortable again, as she softly says, "You must be going through so much right now. I can't imagine what this must be like."

My eyes widen, "You have no idea. It feels so much like a dream. I didn't even know this kind of thing was possible."

Chelsea nods her head, as if she's had the same thought. "I know. That clinic, it's actually located right outside the city."

I look to her with curious eyes, this new information piquing my interest.

_Makes mental note, that just might prove useful later on._

We both just sit there for a few moments, the silence coming easily, and I'm so thankful it's not at all uncomfortable. However, it doesn't surprise me, Chelsea has such a wonderful way about her. A person can just see the kindness in her heart, and by looking at her, just spending a few minutes with her, you know there's not a malicious bone in her body. I feel so comforted and safe here in her studio, having her next to me. She makes all of this seem nowhere near as scary as it is. Nowhere near as crazy.

"She's here you know."

My eyes immediately avert from whatever painting they were admiring, and look directly into hers. Heart beating at an alarming rate, hands turning to each other for moral support, tightly holding on to one another, I try swallowing the basketball lump growing in my throat.

Gulp after gulp, and I still can't find words. I knew she might be here, but now that I know she actually is here it makes it all the more frightening.

_Maybe she's not referring to who I think she is..._

"I mean not here, here" A light chuckle comes from Chelsea's tiny body, "But she's here in the city."

"Who?" I sheepishly ask.

_Like you don't know._

She looks right through me, right through my oblivious facade, but doesn't pass any judgment, instead she continues honestly. "Ashley."

I let out a questionable sigh, one mixed with relief and fear. Chelsea doesn't fail to notice this, and gently pats my arm resting in my lap.

"Hey...I'm sorry, I just thought you might want to know."

I quickly nod my head, I need to reassure her that I do want to know. "No...no, I do. I mean, that's kind of what this is all about, right?"

_But that's not completely true, now is it?_

And Chelsea looks like she agrees with me, like she agrees that this involves so many things along with Ashley. But she doesn't say anything.

"I see her pretty often. We're kind of like a little support system for one another, both coming from the same place, you know? We both moved out here around the same time." She looks straight ahead of her, scanning the rest of the apartment as if it were the grand canyon. As if she's just taking in the view. "Yeah we became fast friends. I mean with a place like this, you hold on to whatever familiar face you find, you know?"

I nod yes, certainly knowing what she means.

"And it helped we were both going through a lot. You had just mov-" She stops, clearly forgetting who she's talking to. Her eyebrows furrow somewhat, "Sorry."

"It's ok, really, please go on." I urge her, I want to know. I _need_ to know.

"Well yeah, she was just going through what you guys were dealing with."

_That's a nice way of putting it, I suppose._

"And I was...well Clay and I were dealing with some stuff."

_I knew it._

I don't press her about it though. Instead letting her continue at her own pace.

"We both needed someone, and it was a good fit. I mean..." she heartily laughs "...Ashley and I are pretty much direct opposites. But I think that's what makes the friendship work." She finishes happily.

_I kind of feel left out. It's weird._

Finally I grow a pair, and jump in. "Would you tell me a little bit about her?" My expression is completely hopeful and I pray she can't see how desperate I am to know.

Chelsea's eyes turn even more kind, a comforting smile flushing over her lips. "Of course."

I sit back on the couch, kicking off my flip flops, moving to an Indian style position. Chelsea chuckles, totally taking notice at how I'm making myself comfortable.

"Well it was about five years ago I guess...yeah, cause she made it in time for her freshmen year at NYU. She studied music, but quickly learned she had a great business sense too and applied for the Stern school, which she got accepted into. It was awesome, perfect for her. It was also a lot of work, really competitive, but you know Ashley..." once again she realizes her stumble and apologizes.

_It's sad. It's sad knowing that at one time I would have finished that sentence for her. Because I was a part of this, I was one with these people._

"Well Ashley can be the most motivated, competitive person with the right situation. And trust me, this was the right situation. She really succeeded with it, without giving up her music aspirations, balancing classes in both. Man, I give her so much credit. She just really came to life out here. She really came back to life." It's nothing short of an honest admission, one which I can tell was not a slip up. She's letting me know it was no easy feat for Ashley. Life was not a walk in the park.

And to further prove this point, she begins sadly, "I don't want to lie to you Spencer, she's my friend, and things were not easy for her. She was at rock bottom. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad, but I thought you should know how much she struggled. You two were so..."

She shakes her head nostalgically, "You guys were so in love. You were just so...so real. You were lucky Spence" She turns her lips inwards, glancing down at her hand on the couch, "Really lucky, some people search their whole lives to have what you had."

_This is a different story than the one told from the girl on the tape. I like this one better._

"That's why it's even more sad what happened to you two, how the outside world had to put itself between you guys. And what's sadder, it wasn't either one of your faults. Sure things happened with the two of you where blame was concerned..." She pauses, I'm sure wondering if I know everything, "...but the real problem, the initial tear apart was the outside circumstances, and that is just so...so damn..."

"Unfair." I finish for her, solemnly looking down to the coffee table before us. The craving for a smoke creeping up on me, but I push it aside.

"Yeah." She helplessly replies, flexing her tied hands slightly. "She didn't know what happened with you. One day you were here, one day she was planning how to get you back, how to grovel, and beg, and plead, and somehow make up the impossible to you. And then the next you were gone. No explanations, no goodbyes. None of us knew. One day the Carlins were here, the next they were gone. The dust not even settling, but their whereabouts traceless. That was a bitter pill to swallow." She says this last statement in a way that makes me feel like it goes beyond Ashley. Like it's coming directly from her.

"It took some time, a lot of time really, but we - " she coughs uncomfortably, eyes inching towards mine, but not brave enough to meet them head on, "I mean Ashley started to breathe life again. She was coming back around. Starting small, gradual, kind of throwing herself into school, just devoting herself to it. Which was surprising to me, if I'm going to be honest, I was nervous it might be something a little more destructive. You know..."

_Oh you mean like what I've thrown myself into?_

I breathe out, hands tracing the form of my cigarette pack on the outside of my fleece pocket, deciding it might be better to not let Chelsea in on my new habits.

"I found out what happened with all of you, Clay called me from New York. He told me everything. Which, I mean..." She treads carefully, "...which he kind of had to. He owed me that much."

I look at her perplexed, but let her continue. "We went through a lot together, me and him, your brother. And it just wasn't fair for him to leave without any reason why. To be honest, it's kind of what got me out here." She admits, and she almost seems regretful in having to say it.

"But that's a whole 'nother story. I'm here now because of me, and I love it." She looks over at me, doing that thing with her mouth again, like she's holding back her words, or maybe even holding back her sobs, by tightly pressing her lips together.

But it's not long until I'm focusing on myself, drifting off into my own world as well, letting things sink in. And then something comes to my mind, she said she knows...

_But does Ashley?_

"She doesn't know."

_Ok her mind reading skills are starting to freak me out._

"Yeah. I never told her." Chelsea takes a deep breath. "I know. I really should have. As her friend, as her really good friend, I should have told her. I owed it to her. But..." she looks at me with a very familiar look in her eyes, a look that strikes me to the core, because she's looking at me with Brynn's eyes now.

"I know." This time I finish for her. "I know." Echoing my own words. She shakes her head, looking slightly teary eyed. "She's going to hate me when she finds out." She looks up to the ceiling, as the tears start gliding down her cheeks, this brutal realization hitting her completely.

I reach over and take her hand, knowing more about this than she realizes,"No she won't."

Chelsea gives me a look that I already know is very unlike her, it's a "don't bullshit a bullshitter" look, and I can't help but giggle a little. "I know, I know it seems like she's going to. And she may seem like she does, but she'll come around. I promise." I squeeze her hand once, to further prove my words.

_Suddenly, I have a strong urge to call Brynn._

Chelsea seems like she's comforted by what I've said. Like she just might believe I'm right. She lifts a hand and carefully wipes below her eyes, removing whatever tears are left.

"Thanks. I guess we'll see, won't we?" She looks back at me, a strange smile on her face. I can't tell but it looks like she may be kind of happy about it.

"Even though I know she's going to be furious, how mad she's going to be with me, I'm really happy you're here. I'm really happy she's going to find out."

_Woah. Now my mind reading capabilities are freaking ME out._

"She deserves to know. She needs to know. You both need this." She nods, putting a period on the statement. Making it final.

"I didn't even tell you what she's up to now!" Chelsea suddenly pipes up, and it's almost humorous, in a very adorable way.

"It's really perfect for her, what's she's doing now. Just last year she opened up this little cafe in Chelsea, along 8th Ave. It's this funky little place, so trendy. Coffeehouse by day, mellow bar by night. There's this great stage there for open mic nights and every now and then there'll be a featured artist. Oh it's awesome, Spencer, you'd be so proud." She kind of becomes shy, perhaps feeling slightly embarrassed by her last statement.

_Oh this girl and her reverting back to the past. Forgetting I'm not the girl she once knew. But I don't mind. I don't mind at all, because I kind of like it. I like feeling apart of something._

"Wow. That sounds..." I genuinely smile, excitement creeping inside me, "...amazing."

"It really is, Spence. It's called the Music Box. Which always surprised me, I thought Ashley would go for something more..." she juggles her hands a little bit "...I don't know, edgy. But she loved that name. Seemed like it had some special meaning to her."

We sit there once again in a comfortable silence, just taking it all in. Suddenly her cell phone breaks the serenity, some John Mayer ring tone filling the room.

_Seems absolutely right._

I laugh to myself, happy to feel like I know her already, watching as she stares at her phone, looking like she's unsure of what to do. Finally she casually answers, "Hey". I can't make out what the girl on the other end is saying, but her voice sounds enthusiastic, her voice seems happy.

I kind of zone out, not wanting to seem like I'm listening in on whatever they're talking about, but it's nearly impossible. Because, just like any other human being, I'm curious. I want to know.

"Ok it's..." Chelsea glances behind her at the clock hanging above the oven, "...five now. I'll be there in like twenty?" Her eyes jump back and forth slowly, finally nodding "Ok...sounds good, see you then." She closes the phone and with it the air changes. She's looking at me like she's skating over thin ice.

I try to remain the same as before, trying to maintain the ease we've held this whole time, hoping I haven't done anything wrong.

"Well, that was Ashley."

_Holy good fucking shit hell fuck._

I can't believe it. She was just on the phone. She was just talking. I just heard her voice!

_Ok why are you SO excited?_

I try to gain some composure, making every attempt to appear calm and normal. "Oh my god! That was really her?"

_Well, I tried._

It seems like Chelsea finds this amusing as she kindly smiles, "Yeah. She wants me to meet her at the café for a drink."

"Oh." I say, sounding strangely upset.

_Can I come?_

"Do you...I mean...you can come. Do you want to?" She pauses, going on more strongly. "You should."

_OK I take it back. I take it way back. Please don't invite me._

"Um,...oh...I...well..." Stammering about endlessly, Chelsea finally grabs my hand, silencing my pathetic puttering as she pulls me up with her.

"Come on. You're going to have to see her eventually. I'll be there with you." She takes my other hand in hers as well, pulling them up between us slightly. "It'll be ok, Spence. Be strong."

Now it's her turn to comfort me, and it works. Granting me the slightest courage to at least follow her out of her apartment and onto the sidewalk outside.

_What the hell am I doing?_

It's the only thought racing through my mind as Chelsea masterfully guides us down the streets of Manhattan. It comes so easily for her, as if she could do it with her eyes closed. I'm on autopilot however. I'm just following the motions, letting her carry me along. I can't get a thought straight. I can't process what's happening, where I'm heading. What's coming my way. My feet can't keep up with my heart's beating, threatening to push right through my chest. My hands lost feeling long ago, a light shake residing in it's bones now. It's all happening so fast, and I can't stop it. I'm on a roller coaster, and I'm absolutely regretting purchasing the ticket, regretting the minutes before when this all seemed like a good idea. But it's too late now, I can't go back. I can't get off.

We turn the corner and then I see it. I see the final drop. I stop and stare at the gorgeous "Music Box" sign sticking out just down the street. I'm right at the top now, looking down at all the happy little people on the ground. I stay there for a few moments, bracing myself in the same way the cart teeters on the edge of that steep dive, almost taunting the passenger with what's to come. Then my stomach hitches, the cart creeks it's way over the last slope, and I start walking. I start falling, faster and faster towards all those people on the ground.

Stumbling closer and closer to Ashley Davies.


	8. Accidentally In Love

"Woah. Woah. Waoh." I throw my arm before Chelsea, just like a mother in a halting vehicle would. The Music Box front door playing the role of the proverbial red street light.

_That was a close one._

"What am I doing?" Asked more to myself than anyone, and Chelsea just looks at me knowingly. I have to keep my arm in front of her, restricting her, holding her still beside me. "Isn't this all happening a little too fast? I mean it is, right? Cause suddenly I'm kind of having trouble breathing…" Dramatically covering my chest (and heart) with my hand, I continue, exasperated "…and my heart's going crazy, and my head's kind of spinning and I just…I don't…"

Chelsea doesn't say a word though, she just stands there, and I swear it looks like she might even be smiling.

_Do you not grasp this situation, woman?!_

She slowly moves towards me, hands rising to hold either one of my arms, stopping my pathetic, somewhat psychotic, dribble "Spencer." She pauses, looking right through my terrified eyes. "Breathe in. Breathe deep and calm down. You can do this. You _have_ to do this. And even though it's been a while, and you may not be the same girl I knew from LA, I still know you...", a small smirk blankets her lips, "...and I know if you don't do this now, you'll sit at home killing yourself over when you finally will."

_Ok, so she just might have a point there... _

But I'm still not convinced, this all feels so rushed. This feels like it has "terrible mistake" etched, branded, tattooed all over it.

_This can not be the right time for this. _

"Don't you think I should wait though? I mean it can't be the right time for this." I make one final attempt at putting off the inevitable. At least it'll grant me a little more time. Chelsea doesn't answer me with words though, like I suspected, she's just ripping me from my safe little spot on the sidewalk, practically dragging my feet in time with hers.

"Believe me, I know this is huge, and I also know I don't fully understand what you're going through," Her eyes turn sympathetic as she reaches for the door handle, "...but I do know that there's never going to be a _right_ time for _this_." 

I sigh. I let out a deep sigh. Because I know she's right. Because I'm never going to want to go through with this, so right now, I'm just going to have to suck it up and brace it. Right now I have to listen to the wise marketing team of Nike, and "just do it".

_Come on Spence, you can do this. Come on, say it. I can do this. I absolutely can-_

"Chells Bells!"

_"-not fucking do this."_

My back is facing that indescribable voice, but I know, I just know who it is. I know it's Ashley. Foolishly I didn't even anticipate this. All that time spent loitering outside feeling as though I was on safe ground, believing the scary stuff was awaiting me inside, not knowing that it was actually heading right my way.

Studying Chelsea's face like a note card, I watch her smile grow with each step Ashley makes towards us, and it's not long before I can sense her right behind me. Her proximity freezes me to the spot. Frozen in the thick ice of summer's heat. I can't think of one single thing I should do and the huge smile Chelsea throws my way makes her look slightly idiotic. It's practically screaming "Act normal. Act casual. It's fine."

_Which, come on, whenever someone says "it's fine", don't they really mean "everything is the opposite of fine." If anything, when someone exclaims how fine everything is, it's just a big red alert._

"I didn't know you were bringing a friend." That melodious voice calls out again, and before I can breathe, a hand on my arm turns my stiff nerve-wracked body around.

_Oh..._

"Hi I'm Ash–"

_...shit._

And then we're facing each other. Face to face. Eyes to eyes. Lips to lips. I'm actually staring at my past, more lost and confused than ever.

"Spencer?" The word is barely audible, coming out slightly choked, and it literally pierces right through my heart. Literally knocks the wind out of me. Because no one has ever said my name like that. No one's ever said my name like they owned it.

Her hand is still on my arm, still clasped around my fleece sleeve. As if she's so afraid to let go. As if she's so afraid I'll disappear. And it makes everything all the more heavy. 

Dumbfounded and removed, I let out a soft "Hi.", my eyes desperately wanting to glance down at her hand on me..

She stares at me in utter disbelief, and for the life of me, I can not read her face. I can't distinguish between the emotions. Distinguish between the shock, sadness, relief, and happiness. Because they're all in there somewhere, they're all painted in her features, I just can't tell which ones are brighter than the others.

Her face becomes contemplative, as she slowly moves towards me. Whispering "oh my God," she suddenly wraps her arms under mine, pulling me against her. It's my third hug of the day, and is no doubt the most powerful. She's just holding me so close, so close I can feel her chest rising and falling against mine. It's like she has to hold me to make sure I'm real. Has to feel me to make sure she's not dreaming. And I completely know the feeling. I'm slightly ashamed for returning the embrace in the same exact manner. Reflecting her exact same sentiment.

_Am I even allowed to copy her actions, her emotions, when she's basically a stranger to me? _

She slowly and I might even think reluctantly, removes herself from our hug, her face brushing beside mine as she keeps her head low. She shakes it a little, her hands still resting on my hips, as she finally turns her eyes back to mine.

"Is everything ok??" Her face is covered in genuine concern, and it's blatantly clear to me at this moment that she still cares about me. No matter what might happen here, how inevitably mad she's going to be, she still must care about me somewhat. And it comforts me. It warmly envelops me in a safe blanket. And now I'm even more confused. Now I'm even more scared. Because finally the thoughts I've ignored this whole time floods my brain. Those questions I've held down are shooting bullets right through me.

_What exactly do I want to come of this? Seriously, what do I want from this situation? What do I want from Ashley? _

"Oh...oh yeah..." I quickly turn my head side to side, avoiding any eye contact. It's like if I let her see me, she'll see what I'm thinking. She'll know why I'm here. She'll figure me out. However, my little ploy doesn't work, it doesn't deter her one bit. She keeps her gaze on me, all traces of concern dissolve from her eyes and her hands are still holding on to me, still holding me inches from her body.

"What are you doing here?" Her words sound strangely hopeful.

"I'm a, just visiting my mom, she's here in the city...actually..." I take this opportunity to look away again, glancing around the street, "I think she lives right around here."

_Sure, why not lie a little longer? I've already been doing it for years, what's a few more minutes?_

I must have said something wrong, though, cause she abruptly lets go of me, taking a step back."Oh. Right." Lightly falls from her lips and somehow, I already miss her hands on me.

_Oh you're so in trouble._

However, she keeps staring at me with "that" look. The look that is so intimate. The one that is making me more and more uncomfortable. I've never had one of those dreams where you walk around in a public place naked, but I'm pretty sure this must be what it feels like. Because the more she looks at me, the more exposed I feel.

It's like she knows me so amazingly well, and I know absolutely nothing about her. The page she thinks we're both on right now isn't even from the actual book we're standing in. And suddenly it makes me feel so bad. Suddenly I feel so angry. And the twist. The strange part. I feel angry_ for_ her. I feel so unbelievably bad for her. I suddenly don't even care how bad this has been for me, cause just now, for the briefest second, I saw it from her side. I just had a glimpse at how this is going to feel for her. And now, now I'm absolutely terrified. 

Chelsea's voice cuts through the silence. "Oh shit, guys..."

_Oh don't you even think about it Chel-_

"I completely forgot that I have to meet my friend about designing a dress for her at 5:30. So I really gotta be going. I'm sorry guys."

_Design a dress? You're a painter for Christ's sake! This is NO time to go and get ambitious on me, Chelsea. You can't leave me here! Sure we just met. But you can't leave!_

Ashley's face mirrors the look of horror etched across mine. Of course, Chelsea totally notices our mutual look of fright, but completely chooses to ignore it as she gives me another quick hug. "It was really great seeing you Spence, can we get together again before you leave?"

I lightly nod yes, somewhat fazed by the mess that is still unfolding on me. But the realization of Chelsea wanting to see me again, wanting to stay in touch, it makes me smile, thinking maybe I've made a friend again. Thinking maybe I'll have the same outcome with Ashley. 

_Who the hell are you kidding?_

Chelsea walks over to Ashley and hugs her tightly. I can read on Ashley's face that she's saying something to her. I have no clue what it is, but judging from Ashley's reactions, it's some form of comfort and support.

Before I have time to act on my fantasy and drag Chelsea back to us by her hair, she's gone. She's gone and now it's just me and her. Me and Ashley. I push my hands into my jean pockets, finding the tight confines ideal for ceasing all movement from my shaking hands. Gaining the weak courage to glance up from my feet to her, I find she still has "the" look. And it still shoots right through me.

"So..." she treads lightly, leaning further on her right foot, hands loosely tied in front of her. Her lips are still parted, mouth loosely hanging open. For some reason it's making me blush. And the more I realize it, the more flushed my cheeks get. It's an endless deadly cycle.

"So..." I echo, my foot going to kick at the nonexistent dirt on the sidewalk. We both shyly look at each other, for complete opposite reasons I'm sure. I mean she's probably recalling some amazingly hot and wild night we once had. Meanwhile, I can barely recall her last name.

_How the hell am I going to breach this whole debacle? Damn I need a..._

"Drink?" Ashley's eyes turn up, her lips curling into a smile.

_A-men. My kind of girl._

"Yes!" I practically exclaim, immediately feeling like an utter moron. Somehow my cheeks find a way to burn a deeper red.

_I'm on fucking fire here! Breathe Spence, Breathe._

She gives me an affectionate giggle, she gives me a look an old lover would give, and that's it, man. I'm hooked. I'm absolutely hooked. I want to know more. I want to know every little thing about her. Something ignites in me that I didn't even know had burnt out. Hell I didn't even know there was a wick of its kind dwelling inside me.

"Well..." she walks ahead and holds the door open for me, "...right this way."

I shyly walk inside, and am instantly impressed with the cozy café. There's a long bar running along the right wall, from the stage in the back to basically the door, and all different kinds of tables are scattered about everywhere else. Familiar paintings fittingly hang on the wall and I realize they're products of Chelsea. It makes me smile to myself, realizing the bond they share, realizing the tight friendship they have.

Ashley walks around me to the back left corner where a few dark wooden booths reside. She calls back over her shoulder, "Hey Jody can I get a Jack and Coke and..."

I stop walking, the fact we share the same drink preference exciting me way more than it should. She stops before me as well, glancing back she continues "...you still drinking Stoli Ras and soda these days?"

_Wow...I actually liked that once? _

"Oh no…" I hold back a laugh, "...I'm with you. Jack and Coke, please."

She looks surprised, a curious smile crawling across her lips as she takes a seat, "Make that two JC's, Jodes."

I slide in opposite of her, hands slipping into my fleece pockets, the right one grasping onto my cigarettes. I completely forgot about those.

"So, you've taken to the JD? That's so..." She laughs lightly, "...unSpencer of you."

_This is it. This is where you have to come clean and tell her what you're really doing here. _

"I..."

_Come on, you HAVE to._

"Well, you know, people change." An indifferent, and unfair, shrug comes from my cowardly body, negating the true meaning of my words. I have no clue where they came from, those words. I just spoke without thinking.

And she exhales strongly. Sending a cool breeze my way that shivers my body far more than it should.

"Tell me about it." It's her words this time that freezes that breeze, locking me in bitter water. A new atmosphere coats our earlier bashful one. And it reminds me of what's happening. Amazingly, I keep forgetting. Somehow I keep getting lost in the moment, keep getting lost in her eyes, her smile. It's absolutely hypnotic, watching her. I've only known her fifteen minutes tops, and she already has such a hold over me. Suddenly it comes as no surprise that I fell in love with her. I'm practically in the middle of doing it all over again.

There's a new expression across her face, as if all that happened in the past is coming back to her. As if she's working through this situation. As if she's been caught in the moment too. Jody has impeccable timing as she sidles over to our table, delivering relief to the both of us. We obviously have the same thing in mind, both going straight for our drinks, mouths taking no time in finding a straw.

Ashley leans back against wall, almost languidly sitting against the booth. She reaches into the bag at her side, pulling out a pack of Parliament Lights.

_Ok, this is getting weird._

Open mouthed and gaping, I stare at her shocked, the coincidences just piling up, as a Parliament finds it's way between her lips in no time. She's about to light it when she glimpses up at me, swiftly removing it. "Sorry…" Uttered somewhat remorsefully, as she looks to the side "…I forgot you hate those things."

I swear I catch her eyes rolling and can't stop from chuckling.

"No, it's fine, actually..." Reaching into my pocket, I remove my own pack, thankfully pulling one out, "...you think I could get a light?" I hold out my hand, cigarette sitting happily between my fingers, as I give her a smirk.

_This is kind of fun - in a downright morally wrong way._

Once again her eyes widen, head turning to the side as she breathes out "Wow." Clearly surprised by this Spencer v2 in her presence. She leans over, lighting the end of my butt, and before she can lean back I remove hers from her hand. 

"Here..." I expertly hold her cigarette to my lit one, taking a deep drag, igniting it, "...let me."

Handing it back to her, I find her once again smirking. As if she's impressed but at the same time disbelieving. As if she's surprised. As if there's something else in there, something like disappointment.

"People change, indeed."

Whispers so lightly from her lips, and I realize what that something really is. It's judgement. And that's something I don't need. Especially from someone I don't know.

So I let myself fall back into the booth, crossing one arm under the one holding my hand to my mouth. Inhaling hit after hit, trying to read her. Trying to figure out what she might be thinking. But now she's not giving me much. Now any surprise, disappointment, happiness, anything, is gone. She's just sitting there, a blank page, with so much written below the surface. With so much worn below the crisp pages. And all I want to do is read it. Read her, see her words. See her lines, the ones she's hiding so well.

But she just sits back, letting steady streams of smoke escape her. The tension is escalating, with our silence. With our sizing each other out. With our questions. With our unanswered answers. And then she leans forward, elbows resting on the table. Using the same hand with her cigarette she pulls an ash tray between us, unnecessarily ashing inside it, she lets it linger there as her other hand rises, allowing her chin to rest on top of it.

"You've changed, huh." Once again she repeats herself, but this time it's not a muttered observation. It's not a hypothetical. This time, she's asking for an explanation. This time she's simply asking. For anything.

And I don't know what to give her, I don't know how to give her anything, so I glance over to the bar, watching Jody talk to some patrons. Giving me time to figure out the words. Figure out how I'm going to tell her.

"It's ok Spence, I mean it'd be impossible not to..." she settles back into her seat again "...I mean shit, it's been, what, five years?"

My gaze falls back on her, breathing a sigh of relief, "Yeah..." I flick mindlessly into the tray a few times, "...something like that."

Her face begins to fall and it quickly becomes unreadable. She inhales sharply.

_Shit, here it comes. She's going to say it. She's going to ask me why I never came back. Why I never called her. What happened to me._

"I'm sorry."

_Huh?_

She sighs a very deep sigh. One it seems she's been holding in for probably the past five years.

"God, Spence, I'm so sorry for everything that went wrong with us." She stubs out her cigarette, hands moving to cross on the table, as she looks down at the napkin stack to the side, "...and I don't even know how to begin to apologize for what happened with Aiden." She bows her head, shamefully, between her hands, her eyes shut. Shut so tight.

"I see you now, God, I see you right across from me...", her voice weakly shakes as she sadly looks back up at me, "..and I can't even _see_ you. I can't see Spencer. You look so…so different…" Stuttering about, she finally allows her eyes set on me, firmly, continuing softly but assertively "…You look sad, Spencer. So sad. It always used to kill me to see you unhappy, and…" She bites her lip, tentative to divulge whatever she's going to say next "…and it still does. And I know this is so in the past, and maybe it doesn't matter to you any more, but it does to me. God, does it matter to me. And I have to apologize for any pain I caused you.

_Oh you can't let her go on like this, you have to tell her._

I open my mouth to protest. To start down that dark, stormy and scary road, but she holds up her hand, "No please let me finish, I've wanted to say this for so long. Please let me..."

I have no choice but to half heartedly nod towards her, and listen.

"For so long, for so damn long Spencer, I've felt miserable. I've felt awful knowing what I did. Knowing how badly I hurt you. Knowing I ruined the one good thing in my life, so much so, that that one thing couldn't even stand to be around me. She couldn't even tell me where she went or what happened to her. That's how badly I messed up, and I've lived with it every day. Just imagining what you were up to, how you were doing, who you were with. If you had found anyone who-" She stops abruptly, knowing just where she was about to go, and knowing it's somewhere she can't go, "…I just thought about you all the time, every day. And then one day Madison told me where you were, somehow she found out. For some reason she and Glen kept in touch and for some unknown reason she told me..." She pauses, giving me a disbelieving look, "...I know I was just as surprised."

_Who the hell is Madison?_

But some how I manage to mimic her perturbed look as she becomes serious again, that heart wrenching sadness filling her eyes again.

"Well, turned out for once Madison was actually telling me the truth. You were just where she said you'd be. I came looking for you, and when I saw you..." she winces slightly, "...when you didn't even blink, when you barely noticed me, that's when I knew. I knew I had just lost the one thing that ever mattered. I had just lost everything. I lost you" Another head shake, words coming out more strongly "…And it was my fault. It was my fault. You had every right to hate me. You have every right." She's visibly shaken, her breaths coming out with a deep tremble.

"I started to think I'd never see you again." She looks back to me, appearing slightly unsure, "I can't believe you're here." The words are coated in vulnerability. It's that moment where you not only realize someone's put themselves completely out there, but you feel exposed for them.

_Ok Spence, now's the time...deep breath..._

And then she does it, she gives me the purest smile I've ever seen, she gives me a smile that is meant for me. Just like she owned my name moments before, I know I own this. And man, it feels good. It feels fucking amazing. It's the best drug I've ever had, and I never want to come down.

"Me either." I quietly say, extinguishing my own cigarette, not wanting any distractions from this moment. Wanting it to be simply me and her, nothing in-between. And I shyly return her smile. Feeling like a little girl falling in love. Foolishly ignoring everything I'm here for.

Our gazes linger for a moment, and I can see she looks positively relieved that I'm not mad. That I haven't reamed into her for the past. And I'm awful person, because I just let her have it. I let her have this moment. Convincing myself she doesn't deserve to hear the truth right now. She doesn't deserve to be hurt like that.

We both coolly sip from our drink, suddenly realizing we have all the time in the world. And as if to make sure of it, Ashley timidly asks "How long you in town for again?"

I'm left speechless, cause I don't even know. I just bought a one way ticket. Because really, there's no guidelines for a situation like this, no time predictions on how long it should take to work this out.

"You know, I'm not really sure." Honestly, and somewhat flirtatiously, I keep going, a glint of something dangerous in my eyes, "...it's all kind of up in the air."

She doesn't hide the fact she's happy to hear it, as she goes back to her drink, indulging herself far more this time. There's a smirk surrounding her straw, and it's making my head swim.

"I forget, did you tell me what brought you out here?" Her voice breaks my trance, taking me a few moments to process what she's asked.

_Oh...right._

"Um..." Suddenly I'm being pulled back down to that place, otherwise known as reality. I'm being pulled back down so fast and so hard from this heavenly high and I want it to stop. I want to resist it with all my might. I don't want to go back down there.

"I just had to take care of some things." I finally say, happy that it has some shred of truth to it.

_You do realize the longer you put this off the harder it becomes? Not to mention the more angry Ashley will be. Oh and the little fact that it makes you a horrible person?_

She flashes a wide grin my way, her nose wrinkling at the bridge, "Well, think you can put that off to have a few more drinks with me tonight?"

_And all of a sudden I don't care. I don't care about the past, I don't care how or why I'm here. Because for the first time I feel something again. I feel something I lost so long ago. For the first time I get that rush, the one that reminds you how worth living life really is._

So I sit back and bashfully smile towards her, as the tiniest flirtatious wave flushes through my body. "Yeah. Yeah I think I can do that."

And there it is. There it is, _that_ look from earlier, the one that feels like she not only knows all my secrets. But she'll keep them safe. That she'll wrap my inside warm smile of hers, and never let me go. And just like that, just like that, I'm high again. I'm so high. I don't ever want to come back down. And right now, in this moment, with her smiling that intoxicating smile right back at me, I don't know if I ever will.


	9. Barely Out Of Tuesday

Far too many JC's have been consumed. Cigs keep reappearing as soon as another disappears, permanently engulfing us in our own little smoky cloud. There are more and more amused smirks from Jody behind the bar, but somewhere along the way I stopped looking and stopped caring. Words have been spoken. So many words. So many intimate, private words. Words I shouldn't be let in on, I'm way underage and this is a movie I should not be allowed into. Someone should have checked my I.D. at the door.

But they didn't. She didn't. And I've kept it all right in my pocket. I've buried the truth right in the secret folds of my wallet, holding onto it for dear life. But the opposite stands for Ashley. The direct opposite. It seems like with every sip, she just oozes more truth. Countless "God, I've missed you"'s and "I forgot how beautiful you really are"'s have been thrown to me from her. And with each one I feel more intoxicated, more wrapped up in this moment. Wrapped up in her. So wrapped up I'm starting to wish the drinks had the same effect on me. That they made me want to be honest, that they made it easier for me to do the inevitable. But I'm not that lucky. No way. The dull taste only pushes the truth further below my bed.

And even in my drunken stupor, even through the smoky haze, I can still see it clearly. I can still see the impending doom resulting from this night. Resulting from my inability to be honest with the one person who deserves it the most.

"Well, I guess that's it."

I blink out of my little drunken trance and blankly stare at her, a crooked smile on her face. I finally turn to my right, catching sight of chairs being stacked on tables by some other staff members, their names having left me as soon as I was given them.

"Closing time." She exhales, with her last Parliament puff. Symbolically stumping it in the cozy ash tray. Just another body in a growing graveyard.

_One might think they went to war on our little night here._

"Oh...right." My defenses immediately rise, safely bordering whatever little vulnerability I was just exposing. Disappointed the night is ending, beyond deflated that my time with her is winding down. My insecurities are of course escalating, believing she wants this to end. Without a second thought, I hastily grab my fleece, ready to make a quick getaway. Searching out the appropriate sleeves behind my back, I find the simple task to be anything but. She's giggling now and I'm sure it's from my fumbling right hand attempting to push through an inside out sleeve. Exhaling with my weak little heart, I clumsily slide my way out of the booth.

_Obviously this will make it all the more easy…_

Unsteadily shuffling back a few steps, my arms spread out to brace me on whatever furniture they can find.

…_Or maybe not._

Suddenly I feel two hands on my hips, holding me steady. A hushed "Hey there" filling the space between Ashley and me. And somehow the space decreases. The air stifles. She smiles down at me, I smile back at her a few inches above me. The heels beneath her jeans giving her the extra height. Before I realize it, my own hands find their way on to her waist, keeping me at a standstill. Keeping her right there; so close to me. Surprisingly I need the support.

_Really...I swear it's not just to get a glimpse at what she feels like._

She lightly chuckles as she reaches behind me, "Here" She sweetly says, helping me find those pesky fleece sleeves I've been struggling with. I find the little gesture unbelievably kind. More than I probably should, yet I'm too drunk to realize it. Too smitten to care. She steps back from me, same goofy smile pinned across her face, and it looks like she's hesitant.

"Um, well I have to grab something from the back." Her thumb points behind her, as if to further display where she's going. Now, any sober person would know to just stand and wait for her, would know she's going to come right back. But I'm not any sober person. I'm every drunk person and I immediately feel insecure.

"Oh ok, well this was a lot of fun." The words race from my mouth, all desiring to claim themselves the winner. I attempt to turn quickly and make a dash for the door, but her hand on my arm pulls me back.

"Hey no. You don't have to leave" Suddenly her own insecurities seem to weave their way into her words, "...I mean you can if you want to, but I'm going to be right back. I thought we could still hang out." A shy smile crosses her features, "...you know talk some more?"

"Oh." A relieved smile fills my face, one I'm sure she notices, as I giggle. "Yeah. Yeah I'd like that." I finish softly, mirroring her giddy lips. "I'll just wait outside."

She looks at me slightly concerned, and I quickly add "I just need a little fresh air. You know?"

And it looks like she does know as she nods and let's out a soft "Ahhh" before her brows furrow somewhat. Turning her body halfway, one foot leading her towards the back while the other faces me. It looks like she's contemplating saying something.

"Just don't..." a sly smirk peeks through, "...run away on me." And like that, before I can come back with my own flirtatious remark, she's already walking away. Leaving a blazing trail behind her, burning my cheeks a crimson red as I watch her saunter to the back. I don't know if it's the drinks, or the heels, or if she's doing it solely because she knows I'm watching. But right in this moment I'm turned on. I'm really fucking turned on.

_Yeah, bout that fresh air…_

I push through the front door, finding the cool night air unbelievably refreshing. Just like diving into the freezing ocean on a hot summer day. At first it's a bit jarring, your senses swimming, trying to find solid ground. But then suddenly you find the peace, you catch up to the new atmosphere, and it's perfect. It's just what you needed.

I practically shuffle over to the front of the Music Box, leaning against the brick wall between the panel glass windows. Tilting my head back against the cold surface, a cigarette somehow finding it's favorite home between my lips.

Sighing with a strange mixture of content and anxiety, I go over what happened tonight, what was said. Even now, just mere hours after it all, there are patches missing. I can't recall it all. I can't distinguish between what really happened and what my mind wants to be true. And that is never a good sign. Never a good sign for a promising morning after.

She told me about New York. About becoming so close with Chelsea. I think I heard "I love that fucking girl" roughly thirty times during _that_ conversation. She opened up about dating. She basically undressed herself for me in the open bar as she honestly, perhaps too honestly, admitted she hasn't really dated anyone. That it wasn't her thing. That she couldn't find a reason for it. I think Jack was egging her on for that omission. I just sat there in the thickening silence, until Mr. Daniels gave me a nudge too and I agreed. Peer pressured into admitting I didn't date anymore either. I swear she looked completely relieved. I swear I heard her sigh. But then again, the events are all loose in my memory. They're all traced in the sand, just waiting for another wave to come and wash them away.

It's surprising how much a person can get away with in a conversation where the other one does most of the talking. When the other person has a lot to say. Because you can just sit there and isten. You don't have to participate, they won't notice, and if there are drinks involved, they won't even care. And our last booth on the left, with out bottomless glasses of booze, was the perfect hiding place for a silent participant like myself. Was the perfect place to be involved and removed at the same time.

I draw in a long drag, feeling that all too comfortable burn as I try and recall something. I hold the smoke deep in my chest as I try to remember something Ashley said. "So what happened to you Spence?" The words ring in my ear, the words coat the smoke now leaving my nostrils. Did she really ask that? I quickly glance to the left, down the street as the fuzzy memory of a tear sliding off her cheek fills my mind. She looked at me so sad. Her eyes shot right through me and with the way they looked at me, it seemed it wasn't an impossible feat. Because they looked at me as if I were an empty shell. As if the clothes on my back were just a pathetic excuse for armor, because I was merely a hollow case. Making it all the more easy to pierce right through the void. I was nothing, and she knew it. She let out a breathy sigh, as another tear fell to the table, bringing my heart with it. I just stared at her with sad eyes, and it only answered her question more. It only let her know that I wasn't right. That I was lost and sad and broken. And I was not the girl she once knew. She closed the silence and reached over to my hand, holding it inside her warm one, thumb softly gliding over my skin. But my memory might be playing another cruel joke on me. Those drinks could've created this scenario right inside my guilty mind.

But then again...then again maybe it did happen.

I face forward, taking in one last hit, glancing down at my feet. Letting out a somewhat bitter laugh at the irony of things. I'm making new memories with this person, this person I erased from my mind, but they're still questionable. After all this, I'm still participating in something that makes me forget. All these new memories could join all the ones I've already lost, and once again, it'd be at my own hands.

"What's so funny?" My eyes shoot up towards her, finding her leaning against the wall on her shoulder. Her white wife beater leaving her soft tan arms bare, allowing them to brush against the rough sides of crumbling brick. As if I needed any more proof that this girl is strong on the outside. As if I needed more evidence that she wears a thick coat. A thick coat I've unfairly gotten her to take off. I've completely and unjustly made her feel safe enough to shed the layer.

I roll my head her way, eyes slowly making their way towards her as I breathe out, "Nothin'." Instinctively, my hug my body tighter. She leans her head against the wall, eyes facing up to the clear sky, and it looks like her mind might be racing as much as mine. "Nice night, huh?"

I look down at a lone beer bottle rolling around the sidewalk, the wind pushing it along, as I whisper,"yeah, it is."

Suddenly, she pushes herself from the wall and walks away from me. I flick my butt to the ground, letting it join that bottle, and turn to follow her. I'm clueless as to where we're heading, but I don't care. However, we don't go far. No, we hardly walk at all, taking the few necessary steps to a door right next to the Music Box's front one. She unlocks it, and holds it open behind her, letting me follow her up the stairs. It's dirty, but not in a gross way. Just in the way that tells you many walks of life have shuffled up these stairs. I'm not sure which floor we turned on, I stopped counting after the second, instead just following her lead. Instead, just getting lost in the hypnotizing sway of her hips, the way they shifted with each step.

We come to her chipped green front door, the numbers 45 staring back at us. I notice the four is slightly crooked and I like it. I like that I'm not the only thing on this earth that's off kilter. Shadowing her inside a dimly lit apartment, she proclaims "Home, sweet home." Flicking a light switch on the wall.

It's a nice place, a really nice place. Swanky flat screen TV and stereo situated in the back corner. Situated in a real entertainment center, nothing like Brynn and my faux one. There are paintings (Chelsea's, no doubt) on the walls, along with some black and white prints. Some with nude women living inside the matting, others of various landscapes. The one holding the outstretched view of an open highway stands out most to my observant and ever curious eyes.

She drops her keys on the kitchen counter as she keeps walking over to the stereo, picking up a lone iPod. I stand there and watch her, watch the ease that seems to ooze from her. Finally her scent wafts around me, finally I pick up on how much her apartment smells like her. Or maybe it's the other way around. Whichever one it is, I love it. I swear one could get drunk off this scent. I swear I already am.

A familiar voice fills the room, it takes me a minute but I realize it's Chris Pureka. Brynn plays her all the time. At first I hated it, but it's grown on me. I think after tonight, it's safe to say, I'll be borrowing Brynn's cd's. It's safe to say that I'll be listening to Miss Pureka a lot more often.

Finally I decide to fully enter her apartment, walking alongside the back of a sofa, as Ashley comes towards me. Lightly brushing by me, her body whispering against mine as she asks, "beer?"

I swallow hard and nod, my eyes already feeling like they're clouding over. And it looks like she knows exactly what she's doing, exactly what effect she's having on me, as I watch her form a cocky smile.

"Well make yourself comfortable." She suggestively calls over her shoulder and I seek relief from the couch. I need to sit down, I need something stronger than my own legs to hold myself up. This apartment is quickly becoming stifling. The alcohol's made me dizzy, the cigarettes have made me lightheaded.

_Yeah that's it...nothing to do with the beyond sexy brunette coming my way._

I lean back, letting my legs fall to either side slightly as she slides in next to me, sitting Indian style. Allowing one of her knees to rest on top of my thigh, and I'm suddenly _very_ aware of the contact. Very aware of it practically singing my skin through my jeans.

"Here." She gently offers me a Stella, as she rests her own on the back of the couch, somewhat leaving her arm around me.

"Thanks." I take a much needed first sip and glance behind me to the open kitchen, a counter the only thing keeping it separate from the living room.

"This is a really nice place. I take it the café is doing well?"

Her eyes slightly widen as she laughs, "Well it's not doing badly, but I really have the inheritance from my dad to thank for all this." She looks forward, as if to further prove what "all this" is. I follow her gaze and I'm completely lost. I remember that her dad died, but how could that result in all this?

_Oh my god. Ashley Davies...Raife Davies. The CD case from the box. That was her dad._

I smile inwardly, happy I've solved one puzzle all on my own as she lightly chuckles, "Remember it seemed like I'd never turn eighteen? Never get to be on my own, earn that freedom from my mom and Kyla and just everything." She brings her beer down to her lap, fidgeting with the damp label, the condensation making it easier and easier to peel. "Man, that all seems like a million years ago."

As I've done for basically the whole night, I just nod and listen. It's no doubt the safest route. Her smile fades as she brings her eyes back to mine, "Ever wish you could go back there? You know, back to that time?"

I glance down to the arm of the sofa, finding it a safe haven for my uncertainty. For my confusion.

"I don't know." I honestly answer, hugging my beer bottle between my hands, keeping my focus just above her right knee.

"Yeah." She quietly says. "I think about it a lot...and I would. All these people say you can't regret things from your past, that it makes you who you are today. The good and the bad have brought you to this place in your life." She tilts her head back, gaining some comfort from her Stella.

"But I don't know, Spence. I don't know. Here I am sitting on my five hundred dollar couch inside a comfortable apartment in downtown Manhattan, successful business, financial security...the world practically at my fingertips. Finally possessing that freedom I so desperately chased years ago. I have it all, everything I always wanted. And you know what?"

She pauses and surveys the room. Her eyes touch over the walls, the photos, the CD's and DVD's, before she downs another sip and looks back at me.

"I was happier back then. Happier in that world I was so anxious to leave behind. In that world where I thought this..." She raises her hands, showcasing everything around us, "...this was all I wanted and needed."

Her stare falls on my body, I can feel it begging me to return it's glare, so I do. I look into her eyes, her truthful, heart-achingly beautiful eyes, as she goes just where I knew she'd go.

"I was happier in our world, Spence. I was the most happy and free I've ever been when it was just you and me. And the sad part, what makes it all the more sad..." She gives me a weak smile, "...I didn't even know how amazing what we had truly was. I knew it was good. I knew I was lucky and happy. But I didn't know it was fucking incredible. I didn't know that nothing like it would ever come my way again."

She lets out a deep laugh, almost masking her vulnerability as she breathes out "Fuck, I'm getting all heavy and deep." She glances over to me and then flicks her eyes down, breathing out "sorry" before downing the rest of her beer.

I don't know what to say, so I just finish mine too, whispering "it's ok" before the bottle meets my lips.

We remain there, in the stillness of her apartment, Chris Pureka's shaky voice filling the void. Finally she lightly laughs, that warm smile covering her lips again. "Do you remember the time we went camping?..." she tilts her head "...Well more like our sad attempt at camping." Her hand comes to rest on my knee, and I can tell it wasn't her idea, her hand developing a mind of it's own, just falling back to a time where it was nothing but natural. "God we were a sorry pair weren't we? It took us,what, like 2 hours to build that tent?" She genuinely laughs, resting her had back against the couch, "...and we didn't even do it right."

I laugh with her. I laugh because it sounds like a great memory. It sounds like something I wish I'd held onto. She deeply sighs, eyes scanning the ceiling, "I was going out of my mind, like I don't even know how you got me to go along with you in the first place. We both know I'm not the most outdoorsy person..." she smiles over at me, "...thank God you caved and said we could bag the whole camping thing and shack up in some little hotel not too far down the road instead." Still facing me, her eyes fall down towards her hand on my knee, a nostalgic smile covering her lips, "...that was a good night." Her eyes seem to fixate on her fingers softly sweeping over my ripped jeans, continuing so softly, whispering like it's to herself, "...a really good night."

And I feel my heart ache, I feel my chest tighten, cause for the first time I wish I could remember. For the first time I wish I could get the memories back. I finally realize I'm never going to have them again and it hits me like a bucket of ice cold water. I want them. I want them so badly. I miss what I don't remember having and it's killing me. I miss what I'll never remember. I miss what I'll never hold again. I miss what I ultimately decided to give away.

_And there's the clincher. That's what does me in._

I fight with all my might to hold the tear back. The one I feel sitting on my eyelid, coming dangerously close to falling over the edge. I'm building a dam and I'm building as quickly as I can. I need to hold back the flood that is daring to pour from my eyes. Keep holding it, keep holding. But I can't any longer, I can't hold it in. I'm not strong enough. I let it slide from my eye, and that's it. That's all it takes. The tears steadily stream from my eyes, the apartment becoming smeared and blurry.

"Spence?" I hear Ash's sweet voice push through my soft sobs. I'm just letting it all go. I bring my hands up to my eyes, fingers tightly pressing against them, now literally building that dam. Literally trying to hold back the liquid that is just effortlessly pushing past my fingers, and gliding down my cheeks.

"I'm..." a few shaky sobs, "...sorry."

I'm like a train, the more I get going the faster they come, and the harder they are to stop. It just keeps escalating, my shoulders starting to shake as my lips quiver. I feel her wrap her arms around my trembling body, pulling me close into the comfort of her arms. I swear I even feel her crying, I swear I hear her hushed "I know"'s dripping into my ears.

Her wet cheeks slide against my wet hands and I feel her sadness over everything she's lost. The years that have slipped away from her. And it hits me. I'm responsible for all she's lost. I'm the one who's making her cry. She doesn't even know I've done this. That I've ruined both our lives with one careless decision.

_I have to tell her._

I cry harder. I cry because it's my fault. I cry because soon I'm going to lose this too. I'm going to lose these arms around me. Lose this comfort and safe haven. Lose the one thing that's made me feel happy in the longest time. I'm going to lose her. Lose her all over again.

Slowly she pulls us back onto the couch, our bodies somehow perfectly and comfortably fitting together. Her arms still holding onto my body, hugging me tightly to hers, as my damp face buries into her neck. My tears coming slower and slower as I close my eyes. Finding solace here. Finding peace in the way her chest rises and falls. The way her hand affectionately, safely rubs over my back, beneath my shirt. I wrap my left arm around her small waist, pulling her even closer to me.

A few more random tears here and there, my breathing timing with hers, and I'm almost asleep. I'm leaving all this behind, leaving all the lies and sadness here in this night, in this apartment. Right now I'm between her arms, hugging her side, and I'm safe again. I'm safe here just like this. I'm safe until tomorrow comes. Until the morning sun brightly reveals itself, shining right in my eyes. Shining just like a truth you try to suppress. Just like the truth I've been suppressing. The one I know I have to reveal. The one that will show itself sooner or later.

Cause that's the thing about the truth, it always surfaces. Just pushes right through your windows, opens your eyes, and completely blinds you. And right now as I sleep between Ashley's safe arms, I've got a few more hours. A few more hours before it's morning and it's time to wake up.

Before that sun pushes right through these windows, opens our eyes, and completely blinds us.


	10. I'm Not Sleeping

My eyes flutter open, an assortment of blurred colors coming into view. It's dark in this room, but not in a pitch black sort of way. From where I'm lying, I can make out a chocolate wall. Or maybe it's tan. Again, with this light, I can't really tell. And to be honest, I don't really care.

A sleeping form slowly stirs beside me before she fully comes into focus. Before two dark eyes stare right through mine and shy lips smile my way.

"Good mornin'" a soft voice manages to cut through the outside noise. Cut through the muffled honking horns and screeching cars. Cut through the consistent tap coming from behind me. I'm guessing the guilty verdict is a blind bouncing against the window. The blind that allows slivers of light to shine through and paint white lines on the dark wall before me.

I close my eyes briefly, not letting go of sleep just yet, trying to keep it between my grubby fingers. Breathing out "Hey", I bury deeper into my pillow, resulting in the faintest nose brush with hers and it's enough to wake me up. The smallest contact pushes my eyes wide open. And as I feel a random thigh shift between mine, that's it, the day's got my full attention. Or more appropriately, this person beside me does.

I roll onto my back, a bit too quickly for my hurting mind and aching body, eliciting a groan from deep in my chest. A languid leg still resides over mine, and an arm I didn't even realize was there in the first place, happily remains across my stomach. Fingers loosely bunching my cotton t-shirt between them. It seems like a slightly forward act, but I'm too tired to even bother questioning it. Too tired to figure out how I feel about it.

_Oh stop fooling yourself, you know you love it._

I smile inwardly, because it's true, I do love it. I love the warmth pressed against me. Feeling the soft ridges of her wife beater brushing against my arm.

"How you doing?" Her voice still contains traces of sleep as I turn my face somewhat, gaze falling between our close bodies and down to the foot of the bed.

_Bed? What are we doing on a bed? Didn't we fall asleep on a couch?_

My brows furrow, eyes finally coming back to hers, "How did we-"

Her light chuckling cuts me off, and I think I catch her glancing down at my lips. But before I can really be sure of it, she slides away from me, lying on her back as well, head turned inwards though. Face still turned towards mine. "Yeah. I figured you wouldn't remember."

I can't read her expression, and suddenly that all too familiar pit drops in my stomach. The morning after a drunken night pit.

_What...did...i...do._

Judging from her giggle, I assume she knows about that pit too, as she continues "Don't worry, you were fine." I breathe a heavy sigh of relief, one that seems to make her smile.

"I woke up sometime around five and thought the sofa probably wasn't the best place for us both. So I got us up and shuffled us in here."

I let out a soft "Oh."

"You were pretty out of it, though. Kind of had to walk you in here." Something about her words make the sentence seem like an understatement, makes it seem like I might have been far more to handle. But she seems like she didn't mind. She seems like she might have actually liked taking care of me.

"And let me tell you, Spence, let me tell you. Once you got in here, you were on a mission. All you wanted to do was brush your teeth and no one was going to stop you. It was the strangest thing." A genuine laugh fills the space between us, one I surprisingly echo.

"Really??"

"Oh yeah, it was really quite amusing. The way you fought to get past me. Standing in the doorway to the bathroom, watching you fruitlessly try to push me aside." Her nose wrinkles with laughter. "Actually, It was kind of fun...teasing you again." She gives me a suggestive look, one I'm busy trying to read, one I'm seriously analyzing.

"I think we're both lucky I had a spare brush, cause I think you'd still be fighting me on it right now, as we speak."

I laugh with her, the smallest part of me thinking she just might be right.

_Drunk people can do such foolish things._

She rolls back to her side, outside arm sliding up the sheet as her fingers go to mindlessly pick at the pillowcase. Picking away at nothing. Her eyes draw back to mine.

"Anyway, you took your time brushing your teeth. But, you know, you still tried to maintain conversation. I'm not sure, but I think it was something about Mac and Cheese and your red Converse. But I couldn't make out all of it. It was kind of incoherent." She lightly shakes her head, and I feel a little embarrassed, before another emotion fills my body. A far bigger wave of emotion. One of relief. I realize how fucking wonderful it is that I decided to become passionate about late night snacks and classic sneakers. Who knows what I might have shared otherwise. Who knows what topic I would've unconsciously walked into. I have a few ideas that could've been very bad. A few topics that could've been beyond messy.

_And there it is. The truth. The truth about all this. Was wondering when you'd show your face this morning. When you'd knock on my door. But it's ok. It's ok, cause I know what I have to do and I'm going to do it now. No more toeing around it. I'm going to tell her now. I'm going to tell her right now. No matter what happens, at least it'll be off my chest. At least I won't feel this guilt anymore._

"- so you managed to slip off your pants and get into bed." I hear her finish whatever statement she started earlier. Whatever she started while I was off in my own little world. And something about her final statement sends a fire to my cheeks. Sends a fire down to the pit of my stomach, because I finally feel her boxer clad thigh pressed against my bare one. I think she becomes painfully aware of it too, because a trace of pink pushes through the golden tan of her cheeks.

"Yeah, I didn't want you to think that I...well that I took...them..." she fumbles around nervously, and it catches me off guard. It makes my lips curl into a smile, because I find it absolutely adorable. She returns my shy smile and laughs her blush off, continuing "...Anyway, I got you tucked in..."

_Aww._

"...and was ready to go sleep on the couch, but you pulled me down here with you." It looks like she's deciding how to say it, how to proceed "...I was going to protest, but it was kind of too late, you were already holding me here and already passed out."

_Good one Spence._

A flush of embarrassment surges through my bones, as her voice fills the space again.

"I almost forgot about that little fact." Her eyes turn confident, an interesting smile covering her lips,"...that whole you always getting what you want thing"

Her mouth lingers open and we get caught in a deliciously awkward moment. The kind that makes your eyes search for anything, absolutely anything to break it. But at the same time you don't want them to find it. You don't want the moment to end.

The words "well naturally" somehow leave my mouth as a crooked smile spreads across my face. It's the first time I'm really giving her something back. Giving her anything. Sure it's a small gesture, but the tone in my voice let's her know my intention. Let's her know the words go beyond language. Go beyond verbal communication. Cause there's far more communication below their surface. There's innuendo hidden all inside the statement. Just waiting for when they can blatantly shine through. And it feels good. It feels good finally revealing a part of myself to her. It may be small, but the happy look on her face tells me she likes it too. Tells me it's appreciated. Tells me she's been waiting for it.

Who knows where I get the courage, but I brazenly turn to face her again. My hands move to hold each other against my chest, and I sweetly look towards her. We stay there like that. Just like that. Just staring at each other for god knows how long. For as long as it takes for the space between us to feel far smaller than it was before. For all of her gentle breaths against my lips to cause my own to rapidly increase. For her arm to find it's way to my body again. To wrap itself around my waist, hand coming to splay across my back. Then I feel it. I feel an act that goes beyond all our previous platonic ones. An act that draws a line between what was and what might come. Draws a line between a safe place and a bad idea.

Her fingers cross that line as they lightly dance across my back, drawing aimless patterns over the cotton of my t-shirt. Drawing the most delicious aimless patterns, leaving their hot trails all across my burning skin below. It's the most soothing sensation and I desperately fight to keep my eyes open. I desperately fight to keep that low hum from escaping my lips. I'm just about to lose the battle.

"So..."

And like that I'm out of it. Her tone is far from soothing. It's the ball on top of that large slope. Just waiting for a push. Just teetering on the edge, ready to do some rolling.

"...about last night." Her own hands find each other, thumbs incessantly gliding over the opposing one, as her eyes drop between us. "...are you ok, with everything, you know..." she glances back towards me "...with everything that happened? I mean..." she takes a deep breath, eyes shutting momentarily, "...are you ok?"

_And here I am again. I keep closing the lid on this one, don't I? And it somehow keeps popping right off. Keeps peaking it's head out from the darkness, begging to come out. And right now it's here again. It's got a clear opening. And you know it's time, Spence. You know this is your chance. You know it's the best one you're going to get._

I look at her sadly. I look at her with eyes that are smart enough to know it's gonna be a long time before they see her again. Before they get to know this girl. So they milk it. I milk it. I take each passing second for everything it's worth. Relishing in her soft touch, the way her fingers stroke across my body, easily giving my skin goosebumps. I savor her small frame and how it somehow fits perfectly with mine. Savor the warmth that radiates from her body to mine. How we completely share the same space comfortably.

My gaze lingers over her every curve, every dip, every dimple. The way her mouth permanently turns at its corners, putting her lips in a perpetual smile. Putting her in a place where no matter how angry she ever gets she'll always have a hint of happiness. A surge of sadness passes over me when I realize It's something I'd grow to love. When I know It's something I'd come to cherish. And then my heart sinks, because it hits me that it's something I could've had. Something that could've been mine if I'd just been honest with her last night. If I had just come clean right away, I could have had her. There was a chance for us to be. And then a far bigger wave hits me. A far more brutal realization knocks me over. Because It's something that could have already been mine for the past five years if I'd never erased her in the first place.

And it's this one that puts me right back on that couch from last night. I'm right back there lips quivering and all.

_No tears. NO TEARS._

But they're easily on their way. They're itching to surface again, and Ashley can see them. She can see them marching on the horizon.

"Oh Spence", her words seem to be pained, almost like she's really saying "Why won't you tell me what's wrong?".

She completely engulfs me in her arms once more and tightly hugs my body to hers. My face presses into her neck, as my leg pushes further between hers. Holding her close to my body. Needing her that close. Needing something else to feel besides myself.

"What's going on?" Her words breathe right into my ear, sending a shiver straight down my spine. I can't answer. I don't know how to answer.

_Well that's a bunch of bull. You know exactly what to say._

"I...I just..." my lips press into her neck we're so close.

"It's ok, you can tell me." Her words beg me to go on. Beg me to be honest.

_The ball stops teetering, rolling faster and faster. It's time. It's definitely time._

I remain still against her for a moment, building my courage. Preparing myself for it all. I open my mouth to speak, when her voice comes out instead.

"It's me, isn't it?"

Her words are completely hopeless, covered in defeat. As if she's decided to accept something she's been fighting for so long. And it absolutely tears me apart. I quickly pull my face from her neck, resting right next to hers on our joint pillow, noses practically brushing together. My hand spreads further across her back.

"What?" I look at her seriously, so seriously, she has to believe me. But she doesn't answer. She doesn't even look at me. She bites her bottom lip into her mouth, and stares down at her hands. She almost looks afraid.

I stare down at her sadly, gathering every ounce of serenity inside me, "No, it's not you."

"Come on, Spence. I'm not an idiot. You've barely said four words this whole time. And every time I talk about the past, stuff between us, you get this..." her hands separate from each other briefly, as if her fingers are searching for the right word too.

"...this look. This look I can't explain. It's almost like I'm talking to a brick wall. And there's only one explanation...well only one I can think of anyway."

She finally looks at me through wet eyes and they're threatening to only become wetter. I quickly shake my head and pull her closer to me, slightly lifting my head, needing to say this perfectly.

"No, Ash. No, no, it's not you."

But she still doesn't look convinced. She still looks at me with such heavy eyes. With such guilt and I can't take it. I can't see her like this so I do the only thing left in me. I do the only thing I can think of. I slide right against her, and wrap my arms around her body. I draw her as far as I can into my body. My left hand moving up to cradle her head alongside mine. This time I'm comforting her. It's my turn to become that rock she so easily became last night. I can hear her faint apologies against my shoulder. I can feel her chest rising and falling quickly against me. Only escalating with each breath.

I stroke my fingers through her hair as I sincerely whisper, "I'm so sorry. This is so not about what happened. It's not. There's so much going on, and it's nothing to do with what happened."

She relents slightly, her apologies beginning to dissolve away as her breathing calms, finally catching up with her. Her arms are still holding onto me, but it's different now. This time I can feel their relief. Their pain. Their comfort. Their need.

Her hands start to slowly move across my back. At first softly rubbing up and down. But then something changes, something shifts and suddenly they're on a mission, rolling everywhere and anywhere. Searching for something they'll never find, but still moving anyway. And I'm shocked when I discover my hands are doing the same exact thing.

It all becomes fuzzy at this point, fuzzy as to who's stroking who. Who's sighing against who. I'm not sure when it happened, but at some point my lips started creeping their way through her hair, making a slow path to her forehead. Lightly kissing across it as quiet "I'm sorry's" fill the gaps between them. She moves forward, begging for more contact as her breathing becomes shallower and shallower. Suddenly the thigh between mine takes a far less friendly turn, heading straight for a far more sexual road. It softly pushes further against me, eliciting a tiny moan from my lips. But I don't stop her. I don't pull away. I don't pull away like I should. I'm not even close to doing what I should. I just return the favor. I press our legs tighter together. I let my body lay flush against hers, making it impossible for her to not feel the damp heat now taking residence at my body's core.

Our bodies begin acting on their own accord, taking baby steps into a big kid pool. Toeing the water of a place they should not dive into. It's so wrong. Everything that's happening beneath these covers is so wrong on so many levels. The hands massaging my back, at some point bravely dipping beneath my shirt, deliciously stroking all across my damp skin. Her fingers knead strong patterns into the flesh below my shoulder blades, as my own hand grips on to her hip. Pulling her further against me. A muffled gasp fills the silence, and I can't tell if it hers or mine

We're slowly moving together. So slowly that it's still not completely clear what we're doing. We still haven't completely crossed that line from before. We're still feigning innocence. The way my hesitant lips completely contradict my other more brazen actions. The way they just gently find their way down to her left cheek. Just hovering there, letting each one of my warm breaths sweep across her moist skin. I recognize her own lips lightly pressed against my chin. Mirroring my own actions. We're unbelievably close. There's hardly any distance between us. Her mouth is right there. So close to going where it absolutely shouldn't. And as her breath tickles my neck, I'm so close to not caring.

Her hand leaves my back. I feel it leave my body for the briefest second before it's back again, sliding up my arm and resting right where I knew it would go. Her hand cups my cheek, some fingers laid across my neck, as her lips trail across my chin. Eyes closing, I only hope they're not going where I think they are. Her unbearably soft lips innocently kiss the skin beneath my mouth. Either she's giving me the most cruel tease, or she's bracing herself too. She's preparing herself for the inevitable. Preparing herself to go where we both know we shouldn't, but it's the only place we want to. It's the only place we can go.

Her body effortlessly shimmies up the bed, and I can feel her direct gaze on me. I know we're now face to face, her endless pants falling right on my iips, moist from my tongue incessantly running over them. Even though my eyes are closed, I know hers are begging mine to open. Begging me to look at her. But I can't. I just can't.

I guess she doesn't need me to though, because her hand threads right into my hair as it finally happens. As she delivers one gentle kiss directly on my mouth. It goes right to my stomach, sending it on a little vacation. Along with my conscious, wise decisions, and level head. But I don't care. I could care less. All I want is more of her. I want more of this. I give right back to her. I let her hug my lips with hers. For the first time, I'm an active participant in our time together. I'm completely getting my hands dirty, so to speak.

Before we can change our minds, we cross that line. We're running as far from it as we can. No longer holding or looking back. Tongues roughly pushing against tongues. Hands grasping, clawing at soft flesh. Hips endlessly rolling against thighs. Moans and whimpers coating whatever silence was there before. Only getting louder with each push. Louder with each thrust. Each nip. Each swipe. I'm so heady I have no clue what's going on. We can't kiss quick enough. We can't grind hard enough. And it's questionable if either one of us even remembers to breathe. If either one of us even cares if we still are. We roll over and over again on the bed. Ashley on top. Ashley on bottom. Ashley pushed against the wall. It's surprising we haven't rolled right over the bed yet, and even if we did, I'm positive it wouldn't deter us.

Suddenly we come face to face again. Breast to breast, center to center. And with it, something changes. Something impalpable happens. We both suddenly slow down. Taking in everything around us. Her hair mixed in with mine, roughly tangled around our sweaty faces. Our lips barely on top of each other, the kisses between us merely whispers. A sudden peace has washed over us, a sudden change in pace. Our eyes simultaneously open, for the first time. For the first time really seeing one another. Finally we kiss again. We kiss slowly, intimately, we kiss like old lovers. Like two people who've never laid lips on anyone else. And still, our eyes never leave one another. Maintaining that intimacy, remaining completely vulnerable. Our lips are so lucid, I swear I can't tell which are hers and which are mine. I can't tell whose tongue is loosely stroking whose. And it only makes me need her more. It only makes the ache between my legs that more painful.

Simultaneously our hands slide between our bodies, simultaneously we both understand what the others eyes are asking. Thighs relent, hands slide between, and it's amazing. It's everything I've craved. It's everything I've needed. And not just this moment, but long before. Longer than I can remember. During all those late night masquerades with nameless faces. They've all been a means to this moment. This moment where I finally feel it. I feel what so many others already have and understand. For once I'm feeling something so pure in it's sexuality. Something so unlike anything I've ever known, but something I know I once had.

As our pace increases, our eyes remain open. We keep our eyes right on each other because we both know we're in this for the long haul and they're not going to close till it's over. Till this inevitable mistake washes over us and we realize what we've done. When all we can do is close our eyes.

_I can read it on her face that she knows it too. Beneath the clouds, beneath the desire, beneath the hunger I see my own fears reflected back at me through her eyes. The pain. The regret. The wishes of how this could've gone. How it should have gone. _

We come closer and closer to that edge, breaths hitching deep in our throats.

_How it could always be. How it could have always been if we had held on to what we had._

Exchanging one last look before completely giving in. Bodies trembling as we take one last and final look, damp eyes lingering a few seconds longer, holding on to that last hope. Both our eyes reflecting that dying hope.

_Desperately clinging on to this moment. This moment where we both found something we lost so long ago. Where we suddenly found that missing piece. The one that's completed us and finally made us feel whole again._

Our tear filled eyes hold on for one last second before they clamp down.

_And then it's over. Everything we found. Everything we thought we could become. Instantly gone and all that's left are the broken pieces. The broken pieces that shattered long ago, long before this precious moment ended. The broken pieces of who we once were and who we are now._


	11. Ghost Train

My body jostles lightly, ass aching more and more on the hard seat of the nearly abandoned train. I lean my head back against the plastic window, eyes scanning out before me at the row of empty seats. There's one man all the way down at the end of the car, looking rather dodgy himself, so I've refrained from glancing in his direction. I've avoided observing whatever he's up to down at that end. Sometimes it's better not knowing. Sometimes it's better ignoring that scary stuff under your bed.

Perhaps I should really listen to that little piece of knowledge more often.

I cross my arms before me, hugging my stomach, legs relying on heavy feet planted on the worn in floor. The worn in dirty floor. Listening to the creaks and clanks the train makes as we chug along. I opted to leave my trusty iPod in my pocket for this journey. No music could break this mood. Those friends can't take me away this time. They can't take me anywhere this time. This train is the only friend capable of that right now, so I'm going to sit here and soak it in. Soak in the peace residing between it's marker covered walls. Soak in the way light flutters quickly along the dark floor, sun light specks filtering through random passing branches and leaves. Creating new crazy patterns with each passing second.

My head lolls to the side so I can glance out the row of windows stretched across the wall. Watch how the buildings become smaller and smaller, the city farther and farther behind me. The city becoming just another distant memory. But it's definitely not one I'll be forgetting. What's already happened in that foreign city is something I'm never going to let go of. Ever. I can't let go of the feeling inside me. Can't let go of what was set deep inside just earlier this morning. What was set deep inside me with her fingers. What was deeply set with mine inside her.

My eyes screw shut at the memory. It's too powerful. It's too heavy. It's a cross flood of emotions and right now it's pouring right through me. Through my mind, hell, it's pushing through my entire body. It's cold water. It's bitter. It's bitter bitter sweet water. Freezing my whole body, making everything down to my lips numb. Then again, those could be numb for another reason. Ashley could be the blame for that. I'd imagine her constant nipping, biting, sucking certainly aided in that.

This has to work. This has to work.

I'm in deep man. I'm in way over my head. I keep my eyes shut, feeling the train swerve, putting us in a new direction, setting the sun right on me now. Setting the sun right on my cold skin. I swivel in my slippery seat, easily bringing my feet to rest on the one beside me, hugging my knees to my body. My head rests against the fuzzy window, letting the sun kiss it's love directly on my lonely body. Directly on my sad face. Shining down on my hurt eyes, making them close again. They have to close as the events from this morning completely cloud over the sunshine. As the events from just earlier come raining down on me. They're pelting harder and harder. Each droplet, each thrust, each tear, each kiss slicing right through me. I exhale heavily, trying to push my troubles out with it, as that cross flood comes barreling through me once again.

---------------

"Oh God." Her words aren't even words. They're one breathless pant, letters forging together to stab right into me. I'm still shaking, I'm shaking so strongly between her arms. Our sweaty foreheads are still pressed together, I can vaguely see her sucking on her own lips, I can feel their tightness against my swollen ones. It's so painfully awkward. It's so unsettling. What the hell do we do now? I feel her hand on my face. I feel it stroking reassuringly along my cheek, through my hair, hungrily searching for something. Searching for what I know we both felt leave us just before.

Within a second I'm not shaking anymore. I'm eerily still. I'm silent and completely motionless. She's still touching me. She's still acting on some emotion that is no longer inside of me. I'm so confused, my mind is racing, my body is on fire. Hers is on fire. And suddenly she's too close. Suddenly I'm suffocating. Suddenly I need out. And suddenly she notices.

A quiet "hey" comes from nervous lips, lips so close that the word manages to slide past mine, sitting happily inside my mouth. I just look at her through damp pieces of hair. Through watery eyes, and I can't speak. I have no words for this. Once again I feel like an intruder. Once again I'm dressed in black, walking into a house I'm not allowed inside of. And what do you say to that person whose house it belongs to? What do you say to them the next day when they have no clue you just completely betrayed them? You just completely trespassed their trust. You totally crossed a line.

If you're like me, you say nothing and wait for them to make a move. Ashley's move in this case is to pull away from me slightly. To put a few inches between our faces. To give her space to try and read me. To try and read what my eyes might have inside them. I don't know what she's reading there, but I guess it tells her to kiss me. Tells her to try and bring us back. To try and lift the weight that is falling on us more and more. Her lips desperately hugging on to my top one tells me she doesn't want to lose this. She wants it back. She wants what she had only minutes before back in her grasp. I can feel her heart breaking on those lips as they discover more and more with each tug that it's not coming back. And I can feel mine breaking right along side it.

I gently pull away, sliding my hand from beneath her tank top to her arm. I look into her somewhat confused, but clearly pained, eyes as I entwine my fingers with hers from behind. I give her a weak smile before I remove it from my face. I see tears forming again and I know it's only a matter of seconds before they're effortlessly streaming down her cheeks again. I feel a sting in my throat as I realize it's only a matter of seconds before the same applies for me.

In one swift motion I slide from the bed, snagging my jeans on the floor as I stand. I can feel her sniffling behind me, and it kills me. I shimmy on my pants as I glance out the window, fixated on one across the way with it's blinds down too. Having no clue what's going inside that room, but wishing that I could switch places. Cause no matter what's going on there, it's better than this. It's gotta be better than feeling this guilty.

"So..." I hear her strangled voice, the covers shuffling, "...that's it, huh?"

I turn back to her finally and find her sitting up, resting against the wall. Once again her features are completely defeated. I have no clue what to say, but I do know one thing.

I have to see her again.

"No." I say it sincerely. "I just have to get home. My mom is kind of weird and I should probably –"

"Oh yeah...I remember." She nods her head once, and while she kind of looks like she may understand, her eyes scream that they think they'll never see me again. She gazes down at the bed, as she continues "No worries, Spence. It was what it was."

"No, no it wasn't. I want to see you again Ash." I push my knees impossibly further into the bed "I need to."

So you can tell her what an awful person you really are.

The honest words cause her eyes to look through mine again.

"Yeah?" She has a faint smile on her lips, but nothing about the word or her face spells out happiness. There's still such hopelessness in those eyes, under those sheets scattered across the bed, drawn all over these walls, and dwelling low in my chest.

"Yeah." I return that sad smile, "I don't have my phone on me, but I can give you my number if you wanna give me a call or something?" Once again my hands shove their way into my jean pockets.

Suddenly a real smile appears on her lips, that intoxicating smile from last night. The one that I can't turn away from. "You already gave it to me..." there's that unbelievable nose wrinkle "...twice."

The mood from last night creeps it's way into the room for the briefest second. For the briefest second a light of hope shines through those blinds. For the briefest second I feel a smile on my lips as I realize where I need to go. Suddenly I know what I have to do next, and I have to do it now.

"Oh." I laugh out and gaze back at her. Leaning all my weight on my right foot, just holding on to her eyes with mine. Holding onto them for just a little bit longer, relishing in this moment where there might be a possibility. Where I have one last hope.

"Well then I guess we'll talk later?" She has her hope too. She has her wishful thinking. She's not ready to let go. And neither am I.

"We will."

I smile back at her as I pull my fleece from the chair in the back corner. Slipping it on, I look at her once more, saying bye with my eyes, and walk out.

---------------

And now here I am, sitting on this empty train.

Shady man left me on the last stop. The one before mine. Which means I'm leaving this train soon too.

It came to me so quickly. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I don't know why I didn't think to get the memories back. But maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise. I had no reason to get them back till this morning. I didn't know how precious they were till I was that close to her. I didn't know what she was until I felt her. I didn't know what I could have until I held it in my hands. And then I blatantly knew exactly what I lost when it fell through them again.

So here I rest in this beaten down subway train heading towards the outskirts of the city, heading towards Hoboken. A little place in Jersey, far enough outside Manhattan, but still close enough. Or so I'm told. Really all that's important is it houses Lacuna Inc. It inhabits the place that took my memories from me. So maybe it's a place where I can get them back.

Sounds simple enough, right? But you and I both know it's not going to be that easy. Don't we?

I left Ashley's and immediately I was right on my mission. I stopped into one of those internet cafes, they're obviously quite a few scattered about. I paid my dues and went straight to work on a computer. That name Lacuna stuck right with me from the minute I saw it scribbled inside that box. The minute I heard it fall from Brynn's mouth. And the way it made me feel when Chelsea let me know it was located right outside of the city. It didn't take long at all to find it's directions and the appropriate subway to take.

When it matters, I'm surprisingly efficient.

Sure the whole subway situation took a while to grasp. So many different lines and rails.

But then again, I told you how I am when it matters. And this...this matters. This is everything.

My body leans to the right before falling back to the left. I'm here. I lift my body and meet the spring air once more, savoring it's refreshing crispness. Surprisingly there's a taxi or two waiting out in front of the little station. I guess this has the potential of being a popular stop. I snatch one up and get this thing started. This thing I hope will finish well. Will finish the way I need it to. Hoping I can leave this place with more than I've ever had before. Leave this place with everything that belongs to me.

We're there before I even realize it and as I leave the cab and stand before the brick building, it looks as empty as the heart that beats inside me. The rusty Lacuna Inc sign sways in the gentle breeze, it's creaking pierces through the heavy silence. I take one last deep breath. That deep breath that has become so familiar this past week.

Here we go...

"No one's there."

I turn quickly and see that girl. That girl who delivered this mess to me that fateful morning. That morning that seems like years ago. She's sitting alone on a bench not too far away. She's sitting alone and she absolutely looks it. She looks lost and sad. She looks like me.

I walk over and sit beside her. My face becomes like Ashley's. My face becomes defeated.

"What's going on?" I look straight ahead. My words are vague. So vague. They crave meaning they know they'll never find.

"They shut down. They shut down because of me." She says simply, without looking at me, just staring straight ahead. Both of us staring at the grassy ally between the two buildings before us.

"Harry was the genius behind all of this. He knew how to do the impossible. He knew how to erase people's pain."

I turn to look at her.

"He's also the genius behind my pain. He was my pain. I fell in love with him and I couldn't have him. He was what I had to erase. And wouldn't you know it...I fell right back in love with him again. I fell in love with my married boss all over again. I was right back in that place until I found out. You know...found out I already went through all this. That I'd erased him." She looks down at her hands folded in her lap. Her fingers trembling beside each other.

"So Harry...he's the one that erased Ashley from me?" She has no clue what I'm talking about. She has no clue who Ashley is. Then again, I had no clue who Harry was and I still knew exactly what she was saying. I knew exactly what she felt.

She vaguely nods, her eyes are still so distant. "It was brutal finding that out. Finding out that I had him once and I erased him. He pretty much shattered my life, so I thought it was only fair I did the same to his."

She quickly shakes her head, before continuing more strongly.

"Nah. That's not completely true. I just thought..." she pauses for a moment, mouth agape, as she glances over to the Lacuna sign, "...I just thought people deserved to know what they once had."

It's as simple as that. We both sit there in the silence. Sit there and let those words sink deep inside our vacant hearts. Sit there thinking of what we once had.

"So I can't..." I bite my lip briefly, glancing up at that Lacuna sign too "...I mean, I can't get them back?"

She looks over at me sadly, she looks at me with eyes that know just how I'm feeling. And it's the only answer I need. It's the nail in the coffin of my last hope. I pull my eyes from her and nod my head, feeling completely deflated.

"They're not going to be able to keep doing it though. All the people I gave those records back to...they're all furious. They're all lost and confused." She laughs lightly and so do I as we both look to each other. "...sounds familiar, huh?"

Once again we're quiet. I don't want to leave yet. There's nothing left but truth telling. And I'm not ready for that.

"I remember you."

I look back at her, ready to remind her it wasn't too long ago that she was at my door dropping off my records. That she should remember me.

"I mean, I remember when you came in to have the procedure."

Oh...

"Yeah I saw a lot of people come through that door over there." She nods her head in it's direction, "...but you were one of the few people that stuck with me."

She reaches into her bag beside her and retrieves a cigarette. She practically saves my life when she offers me one. I graciously take it and lean in for her to give me the light I so desperately need. She crosses her legs and I lean back against the bench, waiting for her to go on.

"Fuck" she breathes out along with a hazy cloud, "I probably shouldn't tell you this but..." a smoky laugh pushes through her lips, "...I'd want to know."

A few mindless flicks of her butt, and she opens her mouth to tell me something I'm dreading. Tell me something that I have a feeling is only going to make this worse. But it's something i have to hear.

"You didn't want to do it. I could instantly tell you had doubts. And they didn't go away. They actually got worse, you just kept second guessing it all. We had to go over the procedure so many times. Even on the day of...even then you almost walked out."

She's quiet for a moment, she looks so thoughtful as she basically says to know one.

"Almost."

I take the deepest drag I've ever taken in my life. I engulf everything I need through that cigarette. Everything I need. But I still end up with nothing.

"Your mom's what kept you there. She would not let you walk out. She kept reminding you of all this shit, just treating you like a child." She lets out a bitter laugh. She sighs like she's talking about herself. "Maybe it's just me, but she seemed too involved. She was too..." she squints as she falls back against the bench, "...just too persistent with it all. Like it was all her idea. You had no choice...but I could tell...I could just tell you wanted one."

I can't breathe. I can't see. I can't feel my legs. Once again nothing makes sense.

"I know it must fucking suck to hear that. And I probably suck for telling you and completely crossing all sorts of professional boundaries," one wayward glance at that brick building again, "..but whatever. I think you should know. I'd want to know. I'd want to know that I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life on my own. I wish I didn't make that mistake. But here I am, sitting outside here for no reason. Hoping he'll walk by again. Hoping I'll see Harry."

She inhales deeply, holding it, as she tightly says "Just goes to show..." the smoke filters through her nostrils, "...can't change the past."

I sit next to her for what seems an eternity. I swear hours could've passed before all those emotions softened. Before my overwhelming anger towards my mother subsided. Now don't get me wrong, it's still there, it's burning all through me. But it's stepped aside. It's allowed something else to take center stage. Taking a back seat as I realize this girl next to me is right. She's right about the past. I can't change it. I can't change what happened. I can't change any of it. I just have to live with it. But I can change the future. I can make up for what I'm doing now. I can try to change what it's done to me. What it's done to everyone.

I tiredly lift my aching body from the bench. Like a wounded soldier during a long battle who knows it's only going to get worse before it gets any better. I glance down at her with appreciative eyes. For once seeing someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. Finding comfort in a complete stranger for the first time.

"Well, I guess now you know...you can start over, right? Can try to move on?" her voice is solemn as she squints up at me, my shadow partially falling over her face.

"I guess so." She smiles at me and looks down the street. She looks like she's waiting. Like she's waiting for someone. I start walking away taking another hit as I give her a crooked smile, one that could maybe transcend hope. One to throw just a little of it her way.

"So can you." I keep walking as I feel her eyes and smile on my back. And then I hear it. I hear her stand and walk away too. I hear her walking in the opposite direction. I hear her letting go.

I feel her walking away from the past she's aching for. I feel her moving towards something else. Moving in the opposite direction. Finally ready to start changing things. On her way down a road to make things right. And even though my steps lead me in an opposite direction. Even though my steps lead me back to where I came from. Even though my steps are taking me back to the past. I know we're on the same road. I know I'm walking back to make things right. I'm ready to face the truth. I'm ready to answer questions. I'm ready to do some asking of my own.

And I'm terrified.


	12. A Murder of One

The air is strange. The streets are quiet. They're not empty. They're not even silent. They just feel that way. I feel like I'm in slow motion. I feel like the people passing by are merely shadows. The sun has hidden itself behind some buildings, poking it's warm fingers at me through the spaces between, making sure I know it's there. Almost like a little friend helping me along. Letting me know that no matter what, it'll be here for me. It'll still rise tomorrow no matter what happens today. No matter what.

I turn onto another nameless street, just following the motions. Retracing my steps. Letting them lead me back home. I'm strangely calm. I'm strangely still. There's something about this moment. This moment where the day starts moving towards the evening. When the light goes from bright to mellow, painting everything it wants orange. And it just keeps shining it's light on me. Keeps pouring down on my heavy shoulders. Oddly pouring down and taking away the weight. Making them feel less heavy. Making my life seem not so bad.

It's like I've come to this point of understanding. I can't go back. I can only go forward. So I'm going to keep walking. I'm going to walk home and do the only thing I can. I'm going to face the truth and brave the storm. I guess right now I'm in the proverbial calm before that storm. The calm before a really really rough storm. I'm not so naive to believe it's not going to be absolute hell. To not know I'm going to feel even more broken then I do now. But I think sometimes in life you have to completely break before you can become whole again. You have to come apart to start new. And all I want now, all I want so badly is to start new. I want to have a life again. So I'm going make this final turn towards home and wait for the first streak of lightning to slice through my calm skies. I'm going to wait for Ashley to call.

_Or maybe not..._

"Ash?" She's sitting with her head in her hands on the stoop to mom's apartment. It takes her a moment but finally she turns her troubled face towards me.

_Uh oh._

"Hey." She softly says. She still looks troubled, but I can't tell what kind of trouble it is. If she's angry or upset. Or more importantly, if she knows. Right now it could be anything. It could be all of the above.

"Everything ok?" I'm completely toeing through egg shells. My voice is practically whispering, so careful not to disturb a thing. Trying so hard to find out how much trouble I'm in.

She looks at me for a few moments. She takes her time reading my eyes. It's like she's doing the same exact thing as me. "Yeah...", she lightly nods her head, eyes slightly scanning down my body, "...yeah. I just wanted to come by."

I feel slightly relieved, cause the tension has lifted somewhat. However it's lifted only to allow a new one to fall between. The new tension of what was released this morning. In her bed under those sheets. And we both feel it.

"How'd you know where I live?" Clearly not the most important fact here, curiosity getting the best of me. As she always does.

Once again Ashley's light laughter breaks through the thick air. It really has such an amazing ability in that way. How it effortlessly puts myself and any situation at ease. And I love it.

"You told me last night..." She shakes her head a little bit, "...you really can't remember anything, can you?"

There's something about her words that make me extremely uncomfortable. There's something about her words that go far deeper than the surface. There's an ocean beneath that surface. And with the way she's looking at me, her eyes now serious and direct, laughter a long gone thing of the past, I think she wants it that way. She has a complete purpose and intention here.

_I think I just heard the first clap of thunder in the distance._

"Well...want to come up?" I don't even bother answering her question, it seems pointless now. She already knows I don't remember. I just don't know how much she knows. But something tells me I'm going to find out soon. Or more importantly, she's going to find out soon.

She doesn't say a thing as she stands and allows me to walk past her. Allows me to fiddle around with the keys in the door. Suddenly the peacefulness I had just moments ago is gone. I can feel her breathing behind me, I can feel her so close. And she's oh so close. Not just distance wise. She's fumbling around in the dark, seeking the truth that has been hiding so well, and she's almost found it. Her hands are practically on top of it and I'm starting to feel that pit in my stomach. I'm shaking cause it's only a matter of time before I'm found.

We walk our way up the few flights of stairs, neither one of us saying a word. Just merely climbing towards that storm, and I swear with each step I hear a drop of rain. We enter the eerily quiet apartment and I realize how foolish I was to forget about mom. To forget that mom could've been here and that would have been worse than a storm. That would have been the apocalypse.

"Paula's not here, huh?" Ashley's voice comes from behind me and it's full of sarcasm. It catches me off guard. It makes me realize I'm not the only one who has issues with her. I'm not the only one who's thrilled she's not here. 

"Yeah..." I walk further into the living room, making the appropriate turn down the hall towards my room. She's only one step behind me, and my god it's intimidating. "...I guess not."

I start to open the door of my room, "So I think it's good you came over cause there's some-"

_What...the...hell?_

"Brynn?" 

I can't believe my eyes. I can't believe she's sitting right there on my bed. And I can't believe how happy I am to see her. I move right over towards her as she stands and wrap my arms around her, hugging her close. I can feel the relief flooding through me. And I can feel how taken back she is. I've never been a hugger.

"Hey Spence." Her voice is soft and I know she's surprised by what she sees. She's surprised to see Ashley before her.

_Ashley. _

I quickly pull away, turning to the side so I can see both of them. Turning so I can see Ashley's now pained face. I don't understand why, but I know I have to smooth over this moment. I have to make it normal.

"Hey Ash this is my friend Brynn...Brynn this is..." I look into her eyes sincerely, "...Ashley." I smile towards her but she doesn't return it.

"Hi." Brynn's voice is shy and Ashley just stares at her.

The air becomes all sorts of heavy. Layer after layer of tension piling up. The fact that all three of us are sharing the same space. The fact that these two people from two different worlds are a few feet from each other. I'm straddling the line of my old life and new life and I'm with the two most important people from both. And what makes it more complicated is I don't know which is which. I have no clue which one is old and which one is new.

"Yeah...I remember you." Her words are sad, so sad, and I realize why. I finally recall both Ashley and Brynn's story of seeing each other. Of how I completely ignored Ashley. And now I'm sad too. We let Ashley's words linger in the silence for a few moments, no one knowing quite what to say. Finally I have to break it, I have to break the awkwardness that is just thickening. I turn back to Brynn.

"What are you doing here?"

She keeps her eyes on me, contemplating, before she turns them on Ashley. "Um...we can talk about that later. Obviously I've interrupted something here." 

Brynn's being weird. So weird. But really why wouldn't she? This whole moment is weird. This room is weird, with it's trophies and ribbons scattered about. With it's strangers faces tacked onto the walls.

"No...no, I can go. You two probably want some time together." Ashley's voice sounds strangled as she turns to walk out.

"Ash..." I go for her and lightly wrap my fingers around her arm, pulling her back to me. Pulling her watery eyes to look into mine. Suddenly I realize what she thinks is going on here. "...no, no..." I look back at Brynn's own confused and sad face.

_What the fuck is going on?_

"Please, it's not" I stare back at Ashley, my voice turning on every ounce of honesty left inside me, "it's not what you think. Please stay."

Ashley's eyes pierce through mine, a brief light of relief shines through and I think I've convinced her. We stand there for a few moments when Brynn's voice interrupts our moment.

"I'm just gonna..." she walks past us, almost like she can't even be in the room any longer. Almost like she's drowning. "...I'm gonna go...I'll be..." she stops in the doorway, hardly even looking at us.

"I'll be outside." She finishes and before I can say anything she's gone, closing the door behind her. I can tell she's hurt by something, she's upset, but I can't go after her. I can't see what's wrong. Something tells me I can only handle what's inside this room. I can only handle what's between Ashley and me.

"I'm sorry, she's my best friend from home." I say it as if I have to prove something, and I have no clue why. I already feel guilty about every thing.

"No, I know..." She walks past me towards the dresser, "...it's ok." I can't tell if I should believe her, but I decide I should. Right now there's far more to work through than Brynn. Far more than whatever just happened with her.

_But really...what just happened? What was that all about?_

I cross the room to my bed and take a seat. I'm still in yesterday's clothes. There's still stale cigarette smoke wafting from them. I look at Ashley from behind, her body happy in fresh new clothes. Her hair clean and pulled loosely up. Meanwhile I'm still sitting in my day old clothes, stale with my past regrets and last nights mistakes.

She's observing every foreign object residing on the shelves of my room, just gathering years worth of dust. You'd think I had died years before. And the sad part is that I kind of did.

"Look at all this stuff..." she looks as baffled as me by it all "...is this really your room?"

I nod lightly, hardly able to believe it either. "I haven't been back here in a while..." catching sight of a backstreet boys poster embarrassingly hanging on the wall "...a long long while."

She leans back against the dresser. She looks sad. I'm sad. We're both quiet. We're both still. And our eyes haven't left each other in the longest time. I can't believe how easy it is to just hold that contact with her.

"I have a weird question."

_This doesn't sound good._

"Ok..."I draw it out as my body completely stiffens. I have no clue where she's going with this, but I have a bad feeling.

"Would you sing to me?"

"What?" I can't help but chuckle a bit. It's so sweet and it lightens the mood. I feel bad cause I have the worst voice ever. But I feel relieved. I wasn't expecting something so cute.

"You know...sing that song you'd always sing for me when it was just us?"

_And I'm a moron..._

I stare at her completely baffled. I stare at her completely floored. I can hear rain pelting now. I can feel it all falling down. It's all crashing down on us. The truth just swallowing us whole.

"You remember it don't you? I mean it'd be impossible for you to forget..." Her voice trails off as she watches my own face fall more and more. I look at her with eyes that tell her I did forget. She sees on my face I don't remember. And she looks completely heartbroken.

"Oh my god..." she brings a hand up to her mouth as she drops back against the dresser, "...it's true."

_She...knows?_

I can't tell so I foolishly ask her, I foolishly whisper "what?" But it's so obvious I know what she's talking about. And it's so obvious she realizes it.

"Chelsea told me...she..." she swallows hard, her eyes aren't looking at mine anymore, in fact they look like they can't even turn in my direction "...she said that you...you..."

She pushes herself up and paces the room, her back towards me, until she stops at the door. Finally she slowly turns to me and her cheeks are already moist with tears. And there are only more following close behind. They're quickly sliding down every slippery track that's already been left.

"You erased me?"

I've never heard words more pained. I've never heard more wounded words. And I've never felt worse in my life.

"Ashley...I..." I stand quickly, going to move towards her. But she holds up her hands, she builds a wall with her hands. She's closing herself off alright, and I don't blame her in the slightest.

"No." She still won't look at me, head shaking more and more. "No. Stay away from me."

I can't do anything but listen to her. I can't do anything but keep my feet planted right where they are. Stay still even though the wind is whipping around me, even though everything in this moment is trying to push me over. It's threatening to wipe me out completely. My own eyes have tears. My own head is shaking. I can't even look at myself. I can't even face what I've done.

"Really?"

She's now looking straight through me, as if there's still a chance that it's not what she thinks. Like she's still not ready to believe it.

"You really did that, Spence?"

She has one last thread of hope weaved into her sad words. But it's small, and it only becomes smaller. Because I just stare at her. I stare my answer into her. I'm not even brave enough to answer.

"Say it." She puts her tears on hold long enough so the words come out as clear as glass. As steady as a rock.

"Ashley...please..." I'm smothered in desperation. I can't bare it. I can't take this.

"Fucking say it!"

It frightens me. It shakes me as I look at her with my own lips quivering, with my own eyes overflowing with tears. "Yes..." I drop my head, the words coming out with one big sigh "...I erased you."

I hear her stifled sob. I hear her hands coming up to her mouth as she fights for a breath. I hear her quickly turn and walk out. And I'm right behind her, I'm going right after her.

"Wait Ashley..." I'm running after her down the hall "...let's talk about this." My voice is shrieking with desperation. She can't leave. She just can't.

Everything is moving so slowly. I can't catch up to her. I'm running through quicksand. I see her shoulders shaking, I hear her exasperated breaths. Her heart wrenching sobs. And from the sight of Brynn's face as we enter the living room, I know she looks worse than she sounds.

Brynn just stands there as the two of us come barreling into the room. She looks like someone who's just witnessed a car accident. She looks terrified but she still can't take her eyes away from us.

Ashley goes straight for the door, and as she opens it I feel like I might just collapse. Not because she's leaving, although that has something to do with it. But as she pulls the door past her she displays someone waiting in the hall. She displays my entire family standing there.

_What are they doing here? Really, what the fuck is going on?_

We all stand still. We're all frozen in this moment. Every world and truth we've created now colliding. They've all just crashed together. And we all know how bad it is. We all have the same nauseating pit in our stomach. We all feel that storm above us now. Each with our own dark and threatening cloud hovering above our heads.

"Spence..." My mom's the first one to test the water. She's the first one to move as she carefully walks into the room, keeping her eyes on Ashley for a few moments. There's something so disdainful in the way they both look at each other.

"No." Now it's my turn to be mad. Everything I'm feeling right now, everything that's unfolding. It's her fault. It's all her fault. "Stay away from me." I back away from her as everyone remains still, even Ashley.

"Ashley I think it's time you left." My mom says over her shoulder and it infuriates me.

"No it's not." I snap back as I move to go after Ashley, but she's already pushing past my brothers in the doorway.

"Gladly" It's the last evidence of Ashley. She's already gone and I feel so lonely. I feel so empty. I'm crying every tear I have left as my arms hug my own body.

My mom is still walking towards me as she hesitantly begins, "Spence...why don't you sit down and we'll tal-"

"NO!" It comes out so highly pitched, my tears swallowing it up. I can hardly breathe, I can hardly stop my nose from running. My head endlessly shakes. I've never felt so awful. I need comfort. I need something to hold onto. Then I have it. All of a sudden I feel it. All of a sudden Brynn is hugging me.

I weep into her shoulder. I weep so hard. I need to go to Ashley. I need to talk to her and explain to her. I don't even know what there is to explain but I have to make sure she's alright.

Brynn's hands stroke through my hair, smooth over my back, and I hear her whisper in my ear "it's ok Spence, it's ok." We stay like that for a few moments, I can't let go. I have to hold on. I need someone to help me. I'm all alone, I'm all alone without Ashley. Without Brynn right against me. She slowly pulls away and smiles through her own watery eyes.

"Ashley" I stutter out, I can't even formulate the rest of the words.

"I know..." Brynn pulls me close again "...I can go after her?"

I want to go after her. I want to find her. But I know I can't. I know that there's another battle inside this room, and it's one I need to fight now. It's one I'm ready to start without hesitation.

I open my mouth to speak but I can't. My lips are quivering so much I can't get anything to slide past them. So I do all that I can, I nod my buried head into her shoulder. A stifled "please" manages to push through my wet lips and tears as I lean back. Through flooded eyes I tell her to go. I tell her I need her to. And she does. She weakly smiles, and I know it's telling me I'll be ok. She's trying to give me strength and hope. And then she's gone. She's gone and I'm all by myself. I'm face to face with my mother. My dad and brothers are still clumped over by the door. Where they belong.

And mom and me, we're right where we belong. This is about us. We're both in our own corners, strapping on our gloves. This is our fight. And I'm not scared. No way. Everything that's happened has only given me more fuel to go on. Has only added more flame to the fire. I'm more fucking hungry to fight than ever. The way Ashley feels right now. How hurt she is. What I've done. What my mom helped me do. It's all rushing to my mind and I'm overflowing with anger. I stare at her with such fury that I'm almost scaring myself.

And I'm not the only one. Because as I look at my mothers face, I see the opposite. She doesn't want this. Her face is white with terror. She's not ready for this. She's not ready to step into the ring.

But I don't care. I don't care at all. I wasn't ready for anything that's happened to me. I didn't want any of this to happen. My life for the past 3 years has been a fight. A battle I wanted nothing to do with. But I still took it. I still took every punch and swing. I even took some of my own.

"You..."

I stare right at her with wet but steady eyes as the word pierces right through the room. Pierces right through all of us. The aching in my voice, the anger, it hits all of us in the gut. It's my first swing. And as my mom's eyes close, her own tears coming to the surface, I know it's one that's knocked her down. I know with just that one tiny punch I've already knocked her out.


	13. Time and Time Again

"You. You did this."

I wearily stand my ground. Trying so hard to hold back the tears that once were free flowing from my tired eyes. She can't see any of that right now. She can't see any sign of weakness. And even though I can tell she's absolutely stricken, Mom still manages to look calm. She's holding back her fear as much as I am.

"Spence, why don't we sit down and talk this through. You're upset-"

"You're damn right I'm upset!"

I stare at her incredulously. So disbelieving.

_Why hasn't she apologized yet? Why isn't she doing it right now?_

"How long did you think you could keep this from me mom? How long did you think you'd be able to act like everything was normal?"

_Seriously, why isn't she apologizing?? _

"Spence..." Something changes in her face, in her voice, and everything becomes even more unsettling, "...it was your choice."

"What?" The word harshly filters through my lips, as if it were squeezing itself between two sheets of sand paper.

"You can blame me Spence..." she looks back briefly before giving me her first right hook. "...But this is something you ultimately decided to do."

I'm completely frozen as my dad's booming voice fills the space, "That's enough Paula!"

But she doesn't. She doesn't stop. She turns half way, "I'm sorry, Arthur, but it was. She's just going to have to accept-"

"NO!" I belt it out. I belt it out through unsteady lips. "NO! You're not allowed to do that! You can't fucking do that!"

My knees are shaking so much they feel as if they're applauding this whole mess. As if they're cruelly laughing at me and what's become of my life.

"Why can't you just apologize?! Why can't you just feel bad?"

My sadness and loneliness, the aching in my voice...it knocks even me out. And it looks like it does the same for mom. Her voice ceases to exist as she stares at me through terrified eyes. I have her attention now. I have everyone in this whole building's attention. Anyone within five blocks attention. I stand there for a few moments, I need to regain my composure. I need to get all my strength back. I can't let her get to me again.

"You gave me the option, Mom. You threw it in my hands."

She lets her eyes linger on me for a few moments before she hesitantly begins, words flowing with a slight tremor. "Only because you asked me for it. You were so upset honey, you were fading on us. I gave you a second chance. You were so happy when I told you, when I gave you that hope, when-"

"I was fucking eighteen!" That stops her dead in her tracks. Stops us all. Stops even myself. For the first time it hits me. Just how young I really was. Just how much of my life was taken from me, how many precious years.

"Jesus...I was eighteen."

The words are so soft. The realization is so painful. It's painful to everyone's ears. I catch my fathers eyes closing. Closing so sadly. I inhale a shaky breath. My gaze jumping from one spot to the next, not even knowing where to begin.

"God." It comes out as a whisper, a mere breath, before I move on more strongly, eyes finding hers, "...I was young. I was really young, too young. I didn't even know what heartbreak was. I didn't know what it was like to truly hurt. And you should have let me have it. YOU should have let me experience the pain. Fuck, experience life. Cause that's what it is, isn't it?"

I feel those tears crawling their way up to my eyes, but I shut them away, briefly shaking my head side to side before looking back at her.

"Life's all about what happens to us, the good and the bad, isn't it? I mean how does a person know how amazing the good is without having the bad?"

I don't know where any of this is coming from. All of these coherent thoughts that are just stemming from inside this incoherent mess. But I know I mean them. I know they're coming from some truthful place residing deep in my bones. They're coming from a place where I don't even need to think before speaking. A place that makes them all the more real. And I have to keep going.

I look around the room briefly. I feel so bad for myself, and I don't even care. I'm so upset over everything I've lost. What I'll never have again. And I've stopped caring what emotions and tears fall from my body. I let my vulnerable voice fill the room once more.

"I was miserable. I was suffering. But it was mine to have. It was mine. You were supposed let me have it. Let me go through it like dad was letting me. I had to bare through that pain. It was mine to take on. But you couldn't let me do that! You had to take it into your own selfish hands. For whatever reason you had to give me that option."

One cool tear, among countless others, drops onto my trembling hand. Sitting bravely on my warm skin. Almost like it's nudging me to keep going. It's reminding me there's more to say. So I listen to it. I keep going, my voice even more unsteady than before.

"You gave it to me. A confused, devastated teenager. You gave me the option to not hurt. I mean, what girl, fuck..." I wince at the thought, "...what person isn't going to accept that? What kid, and that's what I was mother, wouldn't gladly snatch up that chance? Because that's the thing..." My eyes squeeze tight for a brief second, desperately searching for that solid ground to continue on, "...how was I to know better? How was I to know that, that a person can't change what's happened to them? That I couldn't change what happened to me."

My mom looks just as sad as me. She looks just as devastated as me. An endless amount of tears just dropping from her eyes, turning her pink sweater a deeper shade. And she just looks at me. She looks at me so strangely. I swear she's looking at me with sorry eyes. Finally she looks like she feels bad.

"And I know it was me. I know that it was my choice in the end. I know I was the one who made the final decision to ruin..."

For some unknown reason I pause and glance behind her towards my innocent brothers standing in the doorway. I lock eyes with Glenn and the room becomes so small. The walls cave in on me. It knocks me out. What I find there absolutely rips me apart. Because I see him, I see him with tears drowning his poor sad eyes. I see him wiping his nose with the back of his hand like a little boy. And it finally begins to hit me.

"...everything." I stumble back a little bit, finding it hard to swallow, finding it hard to see, finding it even harder to breathe.

"All our lives." My eyes connect with theirs, both my brothers, and I'm so overwhelmed. I feel so sad and sorry and I don't even know why. I can't place it yet. There's something unfolding right here in this second and I still can't see it, I still can't make it out. But I've had a glimpse and I'm already weak in the knees.

And everyone is just standing there. Everyone is right where they've always been. Just standing there waiting for something to happen.

_Isn't something supposed to happen? Shouldn't something change? After all that's been revealed, shouldn't something come together? Shouldn't something completely break apart? Why are we all just remaining where we were?_

My chest grows heavy. I swear I can't even breathe anymore. These thoughts are killing me. They're all moving so fast. I'm overwhelming myself. It's just so much to take in.

_What are we doing? What the hell are we doing? Where have we all gone? What's happened to us?_

Then suddenly it all stops. I come to a screeching halt with that last question. I leave my dirty tire tracks right on the road with that one. The answer that vaguely shone moments before is now blinding me. It's blatant and it's not going away.

_I'm what happened to us. Mom and I... we created this...this mess. We turned our family into strangers. We were the selfish ones who needed to sweep our own issues under the rug. Who needed to squeeze our dirty secrets into a small closet. And I can point my finger at her as much as I want. For as long as I want. But sooner or later I'm going to have to face it. I'm going to have to face the hard truth._

_I'm to blame as much as she is._

My quavering eyes stare into my mother's, connecting with hers. "We did this." I say it so softly. So, so softly.

"What?" Her word breaks in the middle, a sob threatening to stifle it completely.

"All of this..." I throw my hands to the sides, out into the middle of nowhere, displaying nothing specific. "...everything that is broken. The family we no longer are. The years we've lost. The wedges and distances between us all..." I pause, biting my bottom lip momentarily to stop it from quivering.

"God..." I turn towards my brothers, my heavy eyes only becoming heavier, "...I'm so sorry." My face contorts with pain as I clamp my eyes shut, hands coming up to rub over them. Burying my face between them, but I continue to let the pained "sorry's" leave my body. Just shaking my head, shaking it harder and harder with each word. I'm losing control. I'm falling and I have nothing to stop me. I'm completely inconsolable with no one to help me and nothing to hold on to. I'm all alone.

And then I feel it. I feel two strong arms hold my shuddering body to theirs. I feel Glenn giving me something to hold onto. I have him. I have him and he's making sure I don't fall. It's so moving I can't stop the water flooding from my eyes. I can't stop the way they stain themselves into his sweatshirt. I can't stop myself from repeatedly whispering "I'm sorry" into his shoulder. I hold onto him for dear life and I almost lose it when I feel Clay hug onto us too.

The moment is so unbelievably powerful. The three of us together. Three wounded soldiers fighting their own separate battle, but coming together to share each other's pain. A pain that hasn't gone away. It's nowhere near over, everything in this moment is far from ok. But as I hear them telling me it's ok, as I hear them crying. As I feel their strength and forgiveness, even if it may not be real. Even if they really don't mean it. There's something settling in here. There's something so unusual falling on us. Falling on us like snow. Snow in the midst of summer. Finally there's a small piece of hope dwelling itself inside us. Finally they don't have to live with this secret anymore. Finally they can regain something they lost. Something they've been missing. And I can feel my own tears subside briefly, when I realize the same might go for me. A small glimpse that things might just be ok. Some day things might start falling into place.

Some day.

The apartment becomes so unbelievably still. A calmness flushing over all of us. So quiet there's only one sound to be heard. There's a clock ticking somewhere. I can hear each second passing. And it makes me think of Brynn and Ashley. They're all I can think about. And they're all I that I want. Suddenly I can't feel anything but the urge to find them. To see them. To hold them. To make everything right. Because I can see her. I see Ashley. I see her crying, I hear her strangled voice. And I can't be here any more. All it does is remind me that every second passing me by is another lost chance to make it right. One more minute setting her further away from me. And I need to get out of here. I need to run from here as fast as I can. Before it's too late. Before she's lost and gone forever.

I pull away and look at their equally damp faces. I feel those tears creeping back as I fumble for the words, my emotions making it a crazy and bumpy road to proceed on, making them barely audible.

"I...I have to go... -"

"We know..." Clay looks right into me with so much understanding. I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. To have Glenn. And then I turn away. I actually turn away from them and I can't believe it. I can't believe that I'm walking away from my brothers, my poor brothers who deserve so much more than this, but I can't give it to them yet. There's so much more to say in here, so much more to work through. But I've said all I can right now, there's just too much to deal with between these walls. There are so many issues on my plate, and I haven't even seen half of it. I haven't even seen what other things are hidden. And something tells me, it's going to be a long while before I even get past the first layer.

But maybe that's why I have to leave. Maybe this is that first layer.

I turn and walk towards my mom, my dad right beside her, arm wrapped safely around her shoulders. Always supportive. Always the bigger man. Always amazing because he still looks at me with such comforting eyes. Eyes that make sure I know he's still on my side. That he's always been and always will.

I stop right before her. My cheeks mirroring her wet ones, my eyes reflecting her lost ones. I take a deep breath, before I whisper. "It's our fault, mom."

She looks even more lost as her eyes tightly shut, lips completely turning down, chin dimpling as she shakes her head. But it all stops as I place a gentle hand on her arm. She quickly pulls open her eyes looking down on my comforting hand before turning them to my face.

"It's over and in the past. We can't change it..." She nods her head lightly, and I don't know where it comes from but I somehow find words I never thought I'd find again. I never thought I'd say to her.

"We can't change it but...but maybe we can try to make it right again."

And that's what does it. That's what breaks her. Sends her into a storm of tears and apologies. She throws her arms around me, pulls me close to her. I can feel every bone in her body shaking. I can feel every burden she's had try to pass itself on to me. Not intentionally, but I still feel it none the less. And I can't be here any longer.

Before any one can protest I'm out the door. I'm already out on the sidewalk. And I'm running. I'm running as fast as I can to her. To Ashley and I'm going so fast. I'm a step ahead of myself because if I let her go too far I may never reach her again. If I let that clock tick another second it may be too late to ever find her. And somehow I know where to find her. I know where they are. I just know.

It seems like it's only a few seconds before I'm making that wide turn onto her road. Before I'm running right for them just down the street in front of the Music Box. I can hear their voices, I can hear so much in their voices. So much emotion. But I can't make out any words. I can't make anything out.

They don't even notice as I barrel up to them. Don't even notice the sweaty, tear stained, out of breath mess that drops in on them. Ashley doesn't even look at me. And as for Brynn. I see something in Brynn I've never ever seen before. For the first time she looks...scared.

They're quiet now, they're so so quiet and it's freaking me out. They're both just staring at one another. Holding onto one of the most intense glares I've ever seen. And it breaks whatever hope I had gained back in that living room. It snatches it up and punts it right back to wherever it came from. I'm frightened and suddenly I need to know what was said before. What words were pushing through those emotions that rang so loud just before as I was running towards them.

Then Ashley's eyes change. They look as if some thing's dawned on her. As if something that was once so unreadable is now completely clear. The smeared botched up window from before is now fresh and clean. Letting every shred of light pour right through.

"Oh my god..." Her voice stutters as Brynn completely freezes, looking even more terrified as Ashley continues, "...you are, aren't you?"

_What? You're what??_

Brynn doesn't answer. She just stands there with her mouth open. Trying so hard to not look at me. To not look at anything. Her bottom lip takes on a small tremor and it tears at my heart. I've never been the one that has to comfort. It's always been the other way around. But as I look at Brynn's watery eyes, I know she needs it. Fuck, she needs more than I could ever give her.

"You're what, B?"

But she won't answer. She won't look at me. She doesn't even move. Her layered jet black hair pieces across her face, partially covering her devastated eyes. Eyes that continue to hold Ashley's. And I hate it. I feel left out. Once again I'm on the outside. Some thing's been shared between them. Some thing's transcended.

I pull her arm, "What is it, B?" I force her to turn her eyes on me, and she looks like she's lost the ability to speak. She closes her eyes tightly and starts shaking. She looks apologetic. She looks guilty. And I have no fucking clue what for. She looks lost and alone. She's been caught and before I can comfort her in the way I should, she's gone. A faint "I'm sorry" before she's already running down that same road I was just on.

Leaving me right here. Once again I'm right here between two worlds. Ashley's already unlocking her door moving away from me. Brynn's already out of sight, so far from me. And I'm standing here on this beaten down sidewalk, stuck right in the middle. I'm completely torn. Which sobbing girl do I follow? Which desperate person needs me more? Who do I need more?

But as Ashley holds the door behind her, as I hear her voice calling from inside, "you coming or what?" anger smothered over every syllable. I know who I have to go with. I know it's the only chance I'm ever going to have. It's my last chance, cause I just heard that final tick. The door is about to shut and I have to stop it. I have to stop it before that final second passes and Ashley completely slips through my fingers. And this time it'd be the last. She'd slip through my fingers and break into a million pieces on the ground below. I'm one moment away from forever losing her.

So I do what I have to. I make that choice and slide through the door. I run for her, I chase after her, I'm so desperate to catch her. I need to make things right. But something is still tugging me. Something is still pulling me down. Even though I need to talk to Ashley. Even though It's all I've wanted. It's all I want right now. There's still something trying to take me away from it all. There's still someone else on my mind. I keep shadowing every move Ashley makes, but something is still nagging me. And as I see her face, as I see her distraught and broken eyes it only irks me more. It only weighs on my already sinking heart.

_Why am I still thinking about Brynn?_


	14. Black and Blue

Ashley's pouring a drink. She's pouring a frightening, no bullshit, straight drink. It's neat. I guess she doesn't want anything getting in the way. Even ice is far too large a nuisance for her. It scares me. And the way she just holds onto it for a moment, looking straight through it, jaw clenched, it only scares me more. She looks like she's about to say something, but shakes her head, thinking better of it and harshly sips down the golden liquid instead. I'm frozen with fright just watching her. Just watching and wishing she'd offer me one.

It's empty within seconds and it comes crashing down on the counter immediately. I swear the glass cracks with it. But the fact she's pouring again assures me all is well in that department. From the way it trembles between her unsteady fingers, it tells me the same does not go for Ashley. And we all know the same does not go for me. We all know there hasn't been an ok department in me for a very long time.

"Ashley-"

"Don't." Her eyes are scrunched with such pain, I almost can't breathe. I actually have to keep reminding myself. Reminding myself to inhale and exhale.

"God Spence...me? You erased me? I just..." She blinks away tears "...I don't know how you could do that…" She finally looks to me, pointedly, "…How you could do that to _me_?"

"I don't know either." Too afraid to look anywhere else, I stare down to the floor, whispering so defeated. Too afraid to really see how devastated she is.

"Dammit, that's not good enough! That's not fucking good enough. I deserve more than that..." I hear her slam the glass down on the counter again, and it grabs my attention. It wraps its thick fingers around my throat. Even with the anger in her voice, she looks so weak. She looks so lost.

"You owe me more than that, Spencer, you just fucking do."

"I know I do. But I mean..." This is definitely unsafe ground, this is definitely bad, but I have to continue "...I don't remember. How can I fix what I don't remember doing? I want to so bad. I really want to, but I don't know how Ashley. I just don't. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

I can tell she doesn't know what to say to that. She doesn't know what to say to something as brutal and honest as that. She's just staring at me, tears falling from her eyes like rain. You know that kind of crying? When the tears just endlessly drop, just easily glide right off your warm skin? So much so you wonder where they're coming from? And then suddenly you don't even care where they're coming from.

"I wanted to tell you as soon as I saw you but I didn't know how." Somehow I know this does not matter to her. This is not going to make her feel any better. It's probably going to make her feel worse. It's probably going to make her even madder, but I can't help myself. It's something that just has to be said.

Her head nods in disbelief, complete utter disbelief. "Yeah thanks for that. Thanks for making me look like a big fucking moron. Chelsea thought I already knew. Thought when I called her all overwhelmed and upset that it was because you had told me. She had no clue it was because we had just..."

She comes to a complete stop. This new realization dawning on her. No, no it's slapping her right across the face.

_Uh oh._

I'm nauseous. I'm so sick. Cause I know where she's going, and I know it's where she should go. I know whatever round of bullets she's locking and loading are ones I deserve. Whatever she's about to shoot should completely hit me. Should pierce right through me.

"Oh God…" Her hand covers her mouth, as if to keep her from vomiting "…Oh God, this morning, when we - I thought it was us reconnecting. I thought it was us together again..." She looks so unbelievably upset, at such a loss, that I wonder if she's actually going to vomit, and I know I wouldn't be far behind her "...God, all this time I didn't even know I was with a stranger. A complete fucking stranger. It makes me feel..." She pushes her shoulders up, "...so violated."

_What the hell can I say? It's awful and it's true. And it's about me._

"I'm sorry."

"No. Stop being sorry! You don't even get to be sorry Spencer. I don't even know why you're up here, why am I even still talking to you? You erased me. You fucked me when you didn't even know me. You let me put myself up there for you over and over again while you had no clue. You had me when you didn't deserve it. Jesus, even saying it, saying all this, it's so crazy. It's a nightmare. I'm staring at someone who was the love of my life, someone I've always treasured, and someone I've remembered. Always. Every single thing about her and our times together. And she doesn't even know it. She doesn't even know any of it. She doesn't even know me..."

She starts pacing the kitchen, each angry step coming harder and faster than the one before, hands going to blanket her face.

"Jesus, Why do I keep doing this? Why can't I just..." Her voice is booming and cracking and torn. "...let you go. Why can't I ever turn away from you? Why can't I erase you, huh? Why will I never be able to do what you so easily did? That's the fucking clincher, isn't it?"

She hopelessly looks up to the ceiling. Maybe she's even looking up to God at this point. Seriously, I'm about to look up to them myself. I'm about to cry up there and ask why this is happening.

"I'm still so wrapped up in you that I can't even let you go. Even now. And you still have no clue who I am, do you? I don't know what I should be madder about. The fact you erased me or the fact you've been pretending this whole time."

She looks from the ceiling to me again, shooting fire into my heart with those eyes.

"I don't know who's worse, the Spencer who could so easily let me go. No, who could basically throw me away. Or this one who lied and played me." Somewhere along the way the tears stopped, somewhere along the way the sadness left for bed so the big boys could come out to play. The big bad angry ones.

"You're a fucking mess Spencer. This new version of you. All this time I thought it was what happened to us, but obviously that's not true. You're wasting away you know that? You haven't done anything with your life...you're simply nothing."

"Well maybe if you hadn't fucking slept with Aiden none of this would've happened in the first place!"

_Woah. Where'd that come from?_

And it looks like she's thinking the same thing. She looks shocked, locked, and frozen all at once as she falls back a step.

"Excuse me?"

"I may not remember, but I know what happened. And you lied and played me first. You fucked me over. I heard it all, I heard how..." my own voice cracks here, and I feel so outside of myself, I'm listening to myself right beside Ashley. "...I heard how broken I was and even though I don't remember it happening, I know it tore me a part. It drove me to get rid of you."

And Ashley certainly isn't going to back down. She's not bowing her head in shame. She's standing right up to me. She's ready to retaliate. And I know this is not going to lead us anywhere good. We're not going to move forward at all. But I can't stop it. We're already falling backwards. We're already so far back, I have no clue where we are any more.

"You have no clue, Spencer. NO clue what you're talking about. You're the one who pulled away from me. You're the one who basically told me to go to Aiden. And you also knew that I was drunk. You knew that I didn't remember it happening. Yeah, it's definitely not and excuse. But you know I never felt that..." She catches herself, and it's really painful, the way she still doesn't remember that I don't remember. The way it brutally pushes everything right back in our minds as she continues "...you _knew_ that I never felt that for Aiden. That Aiden didn't mean that to me. He was nothing compared to what you were to me. I loved you. I wanted you. So much, Spencer. God, so much. You just meant every single fucking thing to me…" There are such harsh tears in her eyes, betraying her anger, showing her overwhelming sadness beneath the fleeting bitterness, "…But you weren't there for me, you never were in the end. I tried so hard, I tried to do everything and anything for you, but you closed me off. After your mom found out about us..."

She glances to the side, out the window, the setting sun shows her wet cheeks. Shows the bitter tears forming again.

"...After that you weren't the same. You didn't want to spend any time together. We never talked like before, you didn't ever want to be together, you know…" it might be adorable or funny the way she awkwardly fumbles for the word, if it weren't so achingly sad "…in that way." And then there's nothing adorable or sad about her voice, it's only crystal clear in its anger "…You just stopped wanting me. Everything about me, you didn't want. You avoided. You pushed away. Do you know what that felt like? Do you have any clue?"

_I don't._

So I only look to her, floored. Because suddenly it feels like there's always so much more to what I think I know. Suddenly I feel like I know nothing at all. Why is nothing as it seems? Why do I have a feeling I'll never know the full story?

"Of course you don't. Glad to see some things haven't changed. You're still as clueless as ever."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Clueless and curious, I thinly ask into the thick air because it sounds strangely familiar. It sounds like something we fought a lot about before. Oh yes, this seems as if it were a fire starter in my previous life.

She laughs a bitter laugh and shakes her head. "God you're so blind Spencer, I swear, you don't even realize the Brynn thing do you?"

_Brynn. Brynn how did I forget about her? How did she slip from my mind? How did I completely forget about that?_

"Brynn? What are you talking about?" I'm almost indignant as I ask with desperation, dying to know. Needing to see. And she knows it. She sees it as she holds my stare for a few moments, like she's trying to decide if she wants to keep going. If she wants to be honest.

"She's in love with you."

She says it simply. Just like that. Just like it were the most obvious thing in the world. But it's not. It's not and I'm really floored. I'm sprawled across the cool wooden boards of her apartment floor. I'm completely laid out. Laid out for everyone to walk over.

"Stop. No she's not. She's my best friend."

It's all I can pathetically muster.

"Oh yeah? Why hasn't she ever had a girlfriend, and don't try to debate me, I just know she hasn't. And why did she come running after me for you? Why does she look at you the way I always used to? Why does she look _after_ you like I used to. And I asked her Spence. I asked her point blank and...well you saw her reaction. You saw her run away."

_No.Stop. This isn't happening. This can't be happening._

"Stop it! She's not Ashley. Just fucking stop it." I'm furious at her. She has no right. She doesn't know Brynn. Hell, she even said it, she doesn't know me.

"You have no clue what you're talking about Ashley."

She's laughing again and it drives me insane. It makes me feel like I'm three feet smaller than her and she's just patting my head. She's just looking down on me asking how the weather is "down there".

"Fine." She shrugs her shoulders "...don't believe me, but you'll see. You'll see." A condescending chuckle again, "...Man, it's just like Kelly. All over again. You'll see I'm right. Cause I always am, Spence, I always am…and that much hasn't changed."

_Who is Kelly? Oh fuck, I don't even care anymore._

We stand there in silence, complete freaking silence. What else is there to say? What the hell can I say? I don't even know if I want her forgiveness anymore. I don't even know if I'm the one who needs to be forgiven. That whole Aiden thing is playing in my mind and I hate it. Her harsh words are replaying in my ears and it's killing me. And something about all this Brynn stuff is just rubbing me the wrong way. It's making me feel so ill. It's terrifying me more and more.

Because I'm starting to think Ashley might be right.

"Leave."

I look up to her stone cold face, no more tears sliding down her cheeks. She's a wall, man, and she ain't breaking for me anymore. I stare at her for a few moments deciding what I should do. What I want to do.

And then I realize the only thing I can do. All I can do is listen to her. All I can do is leave. It's what I have to do. There's nothing more that can be done inside these four walls. There's nothing left for us. Whatever I thought I might be able to gain from her is no longer there. I don't know where it went to. I don't even know when it really left. Maybe it was with that careless Aiden line. Maybe it was way back before I even erased her. I don't even know any more. But what I do know is there's just too much. Too much has happened with us. There are too many clouds, too many questions that I fear - no I know - I'll never have the answers to.

Yup, I'll never know the full story. And you know something? I don't even care anymore. I don't want to know anymore. I'm giving up on this whole thing.

So I turn to leave. I turn and do just what she asked of me, not even saying a word. Not even saying goodbye, but it doesn't matter, we both know that's exactly what this is. We both know when I shut that door, I'm not going to come back through it again.

And the sad thing is, I don't think either one of us wants me to. 

"That's it Spence." Something in her voice tells me I should look at her so I do. I turn back and what I find there will never leave my memory, the hatred in her eyes will never leave me. "Finally I'm erasing you. Only I won't need anyone else to do it for me. Nah. I'm gonna forget you all on my own."

_Wow._

I don't even know what to say to that. So I don't say anything. I simply turn around and give her what she wants. I leave so she can forget. I leave so I can forget. But something tells me, that won't happen. Something tells me I'll never forget Ashley ever again. Something tells me my forgetting days are over.

So over.

And as I walk out onto the bustling street, feeling completely lost and alone, life happening all around me, all I can say is thank God.


	15. Walkaways

I've been sitting on this bench for who knows how long. Minutes, possibly. But it feels more than that. It feels like hours have certainly passed. But maybe that's because hours ago seem like a lifetime away. Just this morning I was living a different life than the one I'm living now.

I'm across the street from my mom's apartment, watching people come and go. Lights turning off and on. Wondering what everyone is up to. What everyone on the fifth floor, second door to the right, is doing.

Is Brynn still here? God, Brynn. Half of me needs her to be in my room. Needs her to be there for me. And then the other half is scared shit less. Terrified she'll be up there. She'll be standing there with those same tears, and I'll be looking at her with new eyes. Ones that know the truth.

Brynn is in love with me.

I don't need to think about it anymore. I don't need to do anymore analyzing over it. It just is. And I know. I know I don't love her. Well no that's not quite right because I love Brynn very much, I'm just not IN love with her. It's nothing to do with her. Not in the slightest, Brynn is the most amazing person I know. She's probably a perfect person to be in love with. Actually, she's not probably, she completely is.

But how can I love anyone if I can't even love myself? Jesus, if I can't even like myself? I've made some bad decisions in my life, some idiotic choices, but I'm not dumb, and I know you can't love someone else when you can't even muster up the smallest sliver for yourself.

And I'm still a ways from that. I'm probably years from that. Years of work. I need a lot of time to find out who I am now. Learn who Spencer is. Who she really is. Cause I have no idea and I'm done wondering who I was before. Who I used to be before I erased Ashley. It doesn't matter anymore. Cause all I have is now, and I'm tired of wasting it. I'm so damn tired.

My eyes drift back up the building. The evening air shifting, a feeling of rain starting to fill it. Hinting that a storm's on the way. A perfect spring time thunderstorm. 

So much has happened, just In these past two days alone. I find it hard to believe I'm still here. That I'm still sitting here breathing. I can't believe I've made it through it all. Sure I'm beaten down, bruised, worn out, completely broken. But I'm still here.

Like I've said, sometimes you gotta break apart to come back together. And I've hit rock bottom. I've crashed so hard to the ground, I've completely fallen apart, I'm so unraveled. All that's left for me now is to put the pieces back again. The only place I can go now is forward.

The thought elicits the faintest hint of a smile to grace my tired features because I don't think it can get worse. It can only get better from here, right?

It even makes me me think that maybe I will be alright.

There's really only one thing that's keeping me from believing it still. Ashley still hasn't left me. She will not leave me alone. She's the only thing keeping that smile as a ghost. She's keeping me on this bench. Cementing me in the possibility of things not being ok.

_She doesn't get to have that, Spencer. She doesn't get to take that away from you._

That's it. I have to let her go. I can't let her take it away. Take what's mine. Hell, I can't let her effect any part of my life anymore. I have to start doing that. I have to start owning my life. Cause really, when you come down to it, isn't that the only thing that all of us really have? At the end of the day, isn't yourself the only thing you can truly call yours?

Well I'm starting to realize it is. I'm starting to see a shimmer of what self worth is. How important self worth is. So I stand from that unprogressive bench, I stand and start progressing. I walk away. I walk away from it all. The last place holding her to me. The last place that kept her right in the front of my mind. All this bullshit of my past. All this terrible stuff. Not that I'm forgetting it, which come on, do you think I even could if I tried? I'm not ignoring it or letting it go, but I'm moving on from it. I think it's all I can do at this point, it's all I can do to pretty much survive. And I want to survive. Actually no, I don't want to just merely get by, I want to live. I want to thrive.

Maybe, maybe I will. Well at least I'm praying that I do. I'm praying there's still a chance.

It's a slow trek up those stairs. My hand glides along the railing with every turn, every step. I'm on total autopilot. When I open the door to mom's apartment, the lighting is low. The room is mellow. It's weird. It's like after a football game or something, when the stadium is empty, but you can still feel the energy. You know, when you can still feel the magic and crowd right there on the field. It's like even though everyone's gone, they still managed to leave ghosts of themselves there. I swear if you listen hard enough, you can even hear their faint cheers and applause. You can hear every emotion of the past. Well that's what this is like, there's still so much inside this quiet room. Everything is so still, but I can still feel everything form before. I can still feel the anger and tears and power from every word exchanged.

It's something I think I'll feel for the rest of my life.

"Hey Spence."

I look to the side and see my dad sitting on the couch, mug of coffee happily residing in his hand, legs loosely crossed. He has a smile on his face that I've seen countless times before. The smile that has gotten me through so many rough patches that life can so easily hand out sometimes.

"Hey." My body relaxes, for once I'm with someone I don't owe anything to, and strangely he doesn't owe anything to me. "Where is everyone?" I mosey on over to the couch beside him, staring at the black tv screen. Just enjoying the peace.

"Well..." he takes a careful sip from his mug, I think it's so he can search for the right words inside a terrible situation, "...your mom's at the hospital, night shift." I can't help but smile, appreciative I don't have to deal with her right now. And if I wanted, I might not have to deal with her ever again. But I don't think I do want it that way.

"The boys are out, I'm not sure where..." His arm moves a little on the back of the couch, voice becoming softer "...just wanted to get out of the house for a while, I think."

"Tell me about it." I let a light chuckle fill the silence, break through all that pain that was once inside it hours ago, and it's nice. It's surprising. Surprising what time has the ability to do. It only makes me more optimistic for what years will have the ability to do for all of us. Even Ashley.

_Funny isn't it? Basically this stranger, someone I don't remember, is a person I still can't forget._

"And Brynn's in your room I think. Hasn't really come out since she got here." His words are clueless, clearly he didn't see her when she came in. Clearly he didn't see the emotional wreck that I saw. Then again with so many of those coming and going from this place, who can blame him for missing her.

Just the mere mention of her name, and dread sets low in my stomach. Dread over whatever's going to happen with us. Because I know it's not going to be good.

We remain on the couch In silence, the constant tick of that clock from before softly tapping us. It's weird, through all this, for my whole life, I've always found this the most comforting place. Right here on this couch next to my dad. Any couch. Anywhere, as long as I have him by my side, everything feels alright. Everything is alright.

"Do think I'm gonna be ok dad?"

I don't even know where it came from. I don't even know if I want an answer. I don't even know if I've asked it out loud.

I feel his hand on the shoulder farthest from him, and shift my eyes his way, a genuine smile facing me, "You're gonna be amazing, Spencer."

The corners of my mouth turn up, for the first time in forever it's real. I believe him. I actually believe things are going to work out.

"Things with..." He twirls his coffee a little bit, eyes staring down inside it, "...Ashley ok?"

I shake my head, eyes looking down, I can barely say "no." But I know he heard me. And I know he shares my pain. He sympathizes.

"I'm sorry, Spence."

I appreciate it so much but I can't find any words to show it. However, I don't think I need them. I don't need to show him because he knows.

"We're gonna get through this Spencer, ok?" I feel his hand asking for my attention, so I look over to him sadly, "...I promise, I'm here for you. However you need it. I'm going to be here in the way I should have these past few years."

Oddly I've never felt betrayed by him and oddly I never will. Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's not fair to any one else. But I just know I'm never going to hold any of this against him.

"Thanks dad." I softly say as he pulls me into a hug, kissing the top of my head.

"I think I'm leaving here in the morning"

I pull away and look at him, he's staring down into his mug and he looks sad. "...you're more than welcome to come with us, with Clay and me...I just can't be here..."He stares off into the kitchen, and I understand. I understand he doesn't want to deal with my mom either. But also like me, I think he should...some day.

"Yeah..." My voice is so calm, you'd think this day, hell this life, had happened to someone else. "...I think I'd really like that." I lean forward, ready to sit up from the couch.

"By the way, how'd you guys know to..." I look back at him, and he's smiling again. It makes me feel ten times better. "...you know, to come up here?"

"Your mom called us...she figured you..." he looks scared to say it, scared to mention all that's happened again. "...she thought you knew."

"Well for once she was right." I stare straight ahead, that anger towards my mother finding it's way back to me, but I try to suppress it. I try to suppress all that. For a minute there I had some hope, and I really don't want it to leave me. Especially because of her.

"I thought your brothers should be here. Have the whole family here. And..." I glance over my shoulder, and find him directing his mug towards my room "...I thought you might want Brynn here too."

"Well as always, you were right." I give him a little sideways smile, and then that fear creeps it's way into my stomach as I face forward again. As I face the hall towards my room and Brynn.

_Come on Spence, it's time to face it. _

I'm so freaking terrified and I really can't figure out why. So Brynn's in love with me, how is that a scary thing? Most people consider a person lucky when someone loves them. But I'm smarter than that, and so are all of you, and this is beyond love and how amazing it is. This is about my best friend for the past 4 years, my rock when I had nothing else to lean on...it's about her and how this just changes everything. And what's kept me on this couch, what really frightens me, it's also what makes me think I'm going to lose her. This will just separate us, this is what will take away every thing we've always had. What we've always been.

And then I figure out why I fear I'm going to lose her. Because what we've always been isn't what we thought we were. Our relationship was not the same to both of us. We've meant two completely different things to each other. And the person Brynn loves is someone I don't want to be. I _can't_ be her anymore.

I take a deep breath, it's time to face it. Face that horrible possibility. Time to face that monster. Should be easy with some of the big ugly ones I've had to face recently, but something tells me this one is really going to take everything with it. This one's going to take every last piece of the old me with it.

And even though that's what I want. Even though that's a good thing. It's still gonna hurt like hell.

But I still walk anyway. I still head right for it.

I gently push open the door to my softly lit room, finding Brynn on the floor in front of the bed, pushing some clothes back into her small bag. Strangely it's not as scary a I thought, but those fears haven't gone away. Oh no way, they're still completely terrorizing me.

I lean against the doorway, crossing my arms, waiting for her to look at me, but she won't. Even after a quiet "hey" leaves my little body, she still doesn't look up.

I sigh and walk inside the room, closing the door behind me. I feel a wave of relief flush through me as she finally says "hey". It's a small wave but it's enough. She lets her body sink to the floor, leaning all her weight back onto the bed. Her arms rest on top of her knees as she looks forward. I think she's waiting for me, so I join her. I sit beside her, feel her side pressed against mine, my outside leg leaning against hers. I mirror her position, hands tied in the space between my knees.

Once again I sit in silence, I sit and wait. I don't even know what I'm waiting for. But I'm more than happy to keep on doing it.

"I think it happened right when we first met." She has an adorable smile pressed on her face, staring straight ahead with a fuzzy look in her eyes, almost like she's recalling it all to herself. "Ten minutes was all it took." She glances down between her legs to the floor, a sideways smile on her lips.

"Ten minutes and I knew I was going to fall in love with you."

_The way she says it. Every truthful bone in her body making the words just pour right from her mouth. It makes me wish I was capable of returning it to her. Makes me wish I was the person that could give her everything she needs and deserves._

And I feel so unbelievably sad because I know. I know I could and would never be that person.

"It was as simple as that." She tilts her head back, almost as if she's just taken a deep drag, and I have no words. I have absolutely nothing I can say. But something tells me it's ok, something tells me she wants to do the talking.

"You know I think I always knew I'd never have you." She slowly shakes her head, that same far away look right in her eyes, "...weird huh? Loving someone you know you're never going to have. Waiting for someone you know you're gonna wait forever on. But..." Finally her watery eyes connect with mine, her voice cracking on every word.

"That was ok with me."

We both shakily smile towards one another. It's one of the most heartfelt sentences I've ever heard. And take it from me, it's also one of the most heartbreaking.

"I always hoped I could be that person for you. The one that would change you, who could get you to see..." She chokes up a little bit, and it makes me do the same. I feel so moved and I don't even know what she's going to say yet, "...get you to see how amazing you really are. I wanted to be the person to make you see how worth living your life truly was."

She looks away, a new sadness flushing over that smile. "But I met that person tonight. I met the person who was meant for that." Her hands are held tightly together, fingers incessantly rubbing over her skin. "Ashley. Once I met her, once I saw the way she looked at you."

She glances my way once again but this time there's so much direction in her eyes, "Once I saw how you looked at her, I knew...I knew it was time for me to stop waiting. I knew I was never gonna be that person for you."

I feel so unbelievably sad, like someone just reached inside my chest and squeezed my heart right between their fingers. All those fears becoming more and more real. I have to do something, as I see fresh tears coming from her sad eyes I know I have to do something.

I silently slide my hand over to hers, snaking it from the one it's already tied to and lacing my fingers with hers. I keep my sad eyes on our linked hands for a few moments, knowing hers are on me. I turn my face to hers finally, biting my bottom lip into my mouth, trying to maintain my composure. Feeling myself break down more and more.

"I wish it could've been you B."

I don't know if it's a bad thing to say, but I do know it's honest and I would've given anything to love her back in that way.

She doesn't say anything but tilts her head to the side a little. A brave smile fighting it's a way to her lips. We stare at each other for the longest time. We stare for so so long, before she sits up, before she moves in front of me, sitting on her bag, legs surrounding mine.

She looks down on me so lovingly, and I can feel my lips quivering harder with each second. The more composed she looks, the more unsteady I feel. I'm losing her. This is it. I'm really losing her. Nothing in her words has confirmed that, not in the slightest. But it's blatantly written all over her face. It's brightly lit and it's blinding me.

In a few minutes she's going to get up and walk out the door. And I have no clue how long it'll be before she ever comes back. Before she walks through one of my doors again.

She gently pulls a piece of my hair behind my ear, letting her fingers stroke down my neck slightly. We've never been this close, this intimate. And I can see she's savoring this moment as much as me. Maybe even more. It only makes me more sad. It only rips my heart out more.

She smiles a heartbroken smile that's meant for me. It's mine and it kills me cause I'm not going to see that smile for a long time. 

She cradles my wet face with both her hands. The tears are effortlessly rolling down my sloppy cheeks. I don't even care. She has her own tears, but she's holding them back.

Her face is so close to mine as she softly, shakily, says, "Please Spencer, live the life I know you deserve." I hear a sob, and am even more upset when I realize it's coming from me, "Be the amazing person I've always known you are." Her thumb swipes away about five tears, as she lets it linger on my cheek, sweeping back and forth, as her own voice trembles more and more, she's quickly losing the will to hold it all back as she finishes, "Please, be happy, Spencer." Her eyes close, "...Finally let yourself be happy."

I'm full on weeping now as I feel her rest her forehead against mine. Her hands still holding my face, the only thing keeping me from falling. Suddenly they pull me slightly and it makes me realize I need to see her, so I wearily open my eyes, I look at her looking straight in to mine.

The moment is so heavy. Goodbye is sitting right there in our eyes and we both feel it with every bone in our body. And then it completely hits me, it completely swings it's brutal bat at me, when I feel her rest her quavering lips on mine. Farewell living in those lips. Both our lips. The lightest, softest kiss shared between us, but we're both out of breath when she pulls away. We both pant against each other as our foreheads rest together. I hear her breaths tremble between her lips as she whispers so softly, so quietly.

"Bye Spencer."

And then she stands and leaves. Not even turning back to see me one more time. Not even looking to see if I'm ok. I sit there for the longest time, waiting for her to come running back through that door. For her to come back to make sure I'm ok. To do what she's always done. But she's not going to. She's not gonna take care of me. I can't lean all my weight on her anymore. And it all hits me at once. One stifled "Bye Brynn" squeezing through my lips and I'm a wreck. I bury my head into my hands. Crying like a freaking baby into them. Trying to find whatever comfort or solace I can.

And the worst part is I understand why it has to be this way. Maybe some of you don't. Maybe some of you think Brynn is a terrible person to leave me when I need her the most. But I think she's amazing for it. I think she's amazing to know that she needs to do this not only for herself, but for me. Maybe even more so for me. She can't be there for me anymore like she was. I have to do life on my own now. I have to learn how to do all this on my own. She can't make it all easier for me, cause that's life. It ain't easy. And it's not fair for me and certainly for her to have that job anymore. For her to work that unbelievable job of making all the hard stuff go away for me. I know that's what friends are for, but it's beyond that for her. She's been holding my hand, pulling me along for the past four years. Pulling me along with her and her life. Letting me experience it through her.

She can't let me do that anymore and maybe this is the only way. Hell, I think this is the only way for all of us. We all have to leave it behind. We all have to stretch are arms out and clear that stacked table. We have to do it to start fresh. To get that clean slate. To absolutely knock everything away so we can find it all again. But this time put it back together correctly.

Who knows, this might not be the last of Brynn. I hope to God it's not, and I have a feeling if I want her to stay in my life, I'll never let her get too far away from it. And neither will she.

I tiredly rise from that floor, my body feeling so run down and broken. Feeling so spent and thrown. everything in the apartment is still the same. But there's that hope still lingering. Even with all that's happened. Even after all those tears. The sadness and intensity of these past few days, it's still managed to stick through it. I can hear the faint pitter patter of rain against my window. I don't even know when it started, but it feels so appropriate to hear it right now, in this very moment. Hearing the water fall down and cover everything. Fall down and change everything, making it all go from dry to wet. Everything dirty to clean.

It only makes me think of that hope hanging above me more. Makes me think that maybe someday it'll do just what the rain's doing now. It might just hang above me for a long time, and one day it might start falling. It might just fall harder and harder. Right onto all of us and make us new.

The thought manages to stop those harsh tears, my cheeks so stiff from the ones that have already dried on my skin. I know just what I need right now, what I want so badly. There's only one place I can go right now. I walk out the door and make my way for the shower. On my way to make myself go from dry to wet, dirty to clean. I manage to form a tiny little smile from the thought. And as I turn into the bathroom, kicking the door behind me, I feel it grow.

Right now, I'm in the middle of the worst of it. I'm standing on that shaky ground with all that terrible crap surrounding me. Threatening to drown me, take me down further into the darkness with it. Isn't it about time I started moving away from it? Isn't it about time I started running as fast as I can, leaving it all behind me. Because I still have everything I need right in my possession.

Even though I'm right there at rock bottom, I still have myself.

And that's all a person needs to start climbing.


	16. New Frontier

_Hi._

Wow, that was a lame start. Even for me. Forgive me, it's been awhile. Ok, a long while. I guess that's why I have no clue how to start this. Oh whatever, I'm just gonna jump in...

How are you? Pretty silly question for a letter, especially when I don't really expect to receive anything in return, but I still have to ask. I still want to know. I think about you a lot. All the time. Especially now, with the trees growing their leaves, the grass glowing greener, and all the flowers blooming everywhere. With spring time arriving once again, reminding me of the last time we saw each other. The last time we spoke. I can't believe it's been a year. Can you?

Man, a lot has happened. I know that comes as no surprise. But it has. I guess I'll just start from the beginning. I'll start from when we last saw each other.

When I left New York, I went back to Dad's in Newport. After a couple of weeks, I knew it was time to move. I had to leave. And there was really only one place to go. There was only one place I knew I was once truly happy in and if there was any chance I could have it again, I had to go. Thankfully, I was right. California is an unbelievable place. I'm not in L.A. like before, but a little further south, in San Diego. It's so gorgeous out here. You wouldn't believe it. Every day is perfect. Well who knows if it really is, but it seems that way, and I guess that's all that matters, right?

I'm not alone out here either. Dad and Glen switched coasts too. They're both living separately in L.A. I guess Dad really loved his old job out here, and luckily they took him back. He sounds and looks happier every time I see him. And surprisingly, that's quite often. More often than you'd think, even though he's roughly three hours away, we both still visit each other as much as we can. It's awesome having him in my life again. Like really in my life. He's always been there, he's always been a rock for me. But now it's different, we don't have to worry about the past. We can look to the future, and enjoy it, together.

On the other hand, I have no clue why Glen came out here. I've pretty much given up on figuring out why and decided it's because he just likes the sunshine better out here. Haha I know that is down right ridiculous, but then again, it is Glen. Can you argue with my reasoning? In all seriousness, though, we've become closer than we've ever been. He's dating this girl Madison right now. I don't know about her, but apparently they dated before. I find it hard to believe, she's just so...bitchy, for lack of a better word. We don't get along as well as one would hope, but we both make an effort. I make an effort for Glen. I'll always make an effort for him. Ever since he made sure I wouldn't crumble, ever since he caught me from falling that day in my mom's apartment, I'll never turn my back on him again. There's no way I'll ever leave his side. I'm his sister through thick and thin, no matter what. Cause that's exactly what he did for me. When I was at my worst, when he had every right to walk out on me, he didn't. And I'll always do the same for him.

It's kind of amazing when I write it all down like that. How far we've come. 

I've never really known why they both followed my lead out here. I've never cared to ask, to be honest, because when it comes down to it, I love having them out here. And that's all that matters. Whatever reasons we each had to move here, our reasons to leave the east coast were the same; it just held too many bad memories, housed too many painful truths.

Painful truths. Was wondering when I'd get into those, get into that elephant in the room. You know, I'm still working on that elephant, working to see more of him. I knew it back then, in the city, that I'd never fully see him. I knew and I still know I'll never fully understand what happened to me back then, back in my old life. Now I just have to come to terms with it and move on. Or so my therapist tells me. 

Yup, that's right, I'm in therapy. Shocker, shocker! I think everyone with a brain knows it's the best place for someone like me, with all my glorious issues. And in all honesty, I've really come to love it. That's not saying it wasn't a straight struggle at first. The whole opening up, really expressing myself thing. Really reaching deep inside to get to the truth. To find what I really feel. How I really feel. It was hard, I had never really done that. Well when it wasn't in the heat of the moment, when I had to actually process it all. But Dr. Kazmark has really helped. She goes by Lois and she's such a kind, but strong woman. I know this is going to sound unbelievably corny, but she makes me feel safe. Safe to put myself out there like that. Our sessions have really helped me over come so much. That's not to say there aren't still hurdles. There aren't still mountains to leap over. But I'm gonna do it. No matter what I have to go through, or how long it will take.

Lois wants Mom to come out here for a session or two. However, that's kind of hard to accomplish when she still resides on the other side of the country. But that's not really fair, it'd be hard even if she lived downstairs from me. Oh God, that'd be more than hard, that'd be a nightmare. I guess you can sense that I'm not quite good with mom yet. But who would expect me to be? Just like everything else, it's going to take time to understand it all. To understand all that went down between us. I hope I understand some day, but I fear I never will.

We've barely spoken since that day in the living room. A call on my birthday, a card for Christmas. Both from her. It's really really difficult to face her. Even now, even after all these days, months, how far I've come. That's still the biggest river I have to cross. Dr. Kazmark thinks talking to mom with her there could help. Could be the only way. I'm inclined to agree with her. I don't think I could do it on my own, and as I said, I feel safe in her office. Safe enough to start swimming into that dirty and dark water.

I actually called mom last week to set up a date. She agreed to fly out by the end of summer [yikes! but I don't know how she feels. I can't tell if she's touched that I'm actually including her in my life again, or if she's terrified. Maybe she's both. I guess I just have to wait to find out.

If I hear back from you, I'll be sure to let you know how it goes. I mean, if you're even interested.

I almost forgot to tell you about Clay! He's doing so well. Like above and beyond any of us. I think it's because of Chelsea. That night, you know the one, when he was out and about walking the streets of Manhattan, he found her. They went through a lot when we lived in Los Angeles. They were completely in love, living a perfect coupled life together, until she became pregnant. Until she lost the baby. She miscarried right around the same time I decided to go through...with that stupid procedure. I really hate having to write it out. Having to say it still. As you can probably tell that's still an issue with me. Facing it all. Lois is really helping me on it, but man sometimes it can be so overwhelming.

Anyway, that whole situation obviously really threw them, Clay and Chelsea, especially Chelsea. Going through that traumatic event, needing all the comfort in the world, and the one person who could give it to her most, leaves town. God, I'd be so lost and upset. It's no mystery why Clay was never the same. And what's worse is I still can't even grasp the courage to apologize to him for it all. To beg for his forgiveness. I'm so beyond lucky that he's never made me feel like I have to. But I will someday. Someday, when I'm ready I'm going to tell him everything. Speak every word he deserves. Apologize for all that I so selfishly stole. Apologize for what I'll ultimately never be able to return to him. And for that, for that I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself.

But as Lois says, I have to find a way and if I can't, then I have to learn to live with it. And believe me, I'm still learning.

Clay stayed in the city, he made things right with Chelsea. They're working through their own pain from the past. And let me tell you, they're doing it extremely well. They're really working together, cause they seem happy. Very happy. I'm a bit envious if I'm going to be honest. They came out here last month to visit, have a little vacation from their busy lives. Ever since Chelsea sold a bunch of paintings to some celebrity she's been receiving crazy work. It's so awesome.

And as for Clay, he's in med school, studying to be a pediatrician. I know, how freaking perfect for him? I swear I love that boy so damn much. Always have, but seeing him again, truly seeing Clay come back to life, it hits me so much more. And I adore Chelsea for helping to fill in his emptiness, for coloring his life with her love. She's just perfect for him. It just goes to show, sometimes people are just meant to be together. I don't mean that in a cheesy movie soul mate kind of way. But there are people in this world that just fit, they just click, and if they're lucky enough to find each other, it can be amazing. No matter what they'll endure or battles they'll fight, they still have the ability to make it work. Their love has the ability to rise above it all.

Funny that sentiment is what leads me to the next topic. Leads me to Ashley. Just like you and me, we haven't talked at all. Haven't had any contact, not that I thought it'd go any other way. But still...I hoped. I hoped it would be different. Stupid, I know. She and Chelsea are still really close. I even think she and Clay get along somewhat. Not that either of them tell me anything, which I can't blame them. Chelsea's an amazing friend, and I respect her friendship with Ashley. I'd never want to do anything to make her uncomfortable, or do anything to threaten it. Clay has remained loyal to Ashley as well, doesn't really share any details with me. But I guess that's not completely fair. Why would he when I never ask? I find I'd rather not know. All I need to know is she's still breathing.

Oh who am I kidding? I'm dying to know how she is. Dying to know if she thinks about me as much as I think about her. Cause I do think about her. A lot. More than I care too. It's so strange how I constantly worry about her. I can't get over it, how concerned I am for her. Sigh. I still dream about her, you know. The dreams are far more vivid now. I see her pained face, I hear her sobs, but she never sees me. She just walks through me, she just talks over me. It's torture, Brynn. I wake up in such a cold sweat, heart beating a mile a minute, a hint of tears shed on my stiff cheeks. Somehow I always manage to fall back to sleep though. Which is a blessing I suppose, with how sleeping used to come for me. Well to be accurate, how it never came. I must admit, it's nothing short of amazing to sleep again. To sleep with ease most nights.

Some days I think Ashley will never go away. And then most days, I'm smart enough to know she isn't going to go away. I'll never let her go. Lois helped me see that. Took some time, I tell you. A lot of "why can't I just stop thinking about her"s came from me. Ok, they were shouted, screamed, almost begged from me.

But it's just something I have to learn to live with. And once again, I'm still learning.

Upon Lois' careful suggestion, I decided to send Ashley a letter too. Sent it a month or so back. I was so scared to send it, Brynn, I was trembling all the way to the post office. Her letter was pretty similar to this one, except I included something. I debated it so much, was so unsure if it was a good idea. But finally one day I grew a pair and went through with it. I sent the tape. You know the one I made at Lacuna, where I explained our relationship. I know, I still don't know if it was the best idea to send it. Actually I've questioned it every day I haven't heard back from her.

I just thought she deserved to hear it. Deserved to hear how "her" Spencer felt, you know? Everything that girl felt for her, cause you could hear it on that tape Brynn. You could absolutely hear how much she loved her. You could even hear the regret in her voice, even then. You could hear it wasn't an easy choice for her, it wasn't as easy as Ashley thinks it was.

I really had to let her hear that. She has to know how much that girl missed her, how much she loved her too. But as I said I haven't heard back from Ashley, so I guess she didn't want to know. Not that I expected to hear from her.

But, I still hoped I would.

There's a part of me, granted it grows smaller every day, that keeps thinking maybe...just maybe we can overcome it all like Chelsea and Clay. Someday she might pick up that phone and say everything I've felt. Say I miss you and let's try it. Let's start over. Cause I know Brynn, I know she felt everything I did back then. I've never felt anything like it since. It was amazing. Even though it was laced in so much guilt and pain, situated with in unbelievably terrible circumstances, there was still something beneath it all. There was a connection. Such a human and intense connection. I almost felt like we could speak without words. We could look into each others eyes, become so lost until it'd hit us. Until we'd realize we weren't lost, we were so far from lost. Because what we suddenly found in those eyes was home. Well at least it felt that way for me, and I'll always believe it felt that way for her too.

Sigh, here I am getting all romantic again. Me, the romantic, can you believe it? Lois says I have such passion. It took a while for me to see it, but I think she might be right. And if you think that's crazy, guess where I'm going next fall? San Diego City College. I started thinking about it months ago, when I first moved out here, realizing I needed to finally do something with my life. Lois suggested college, I immediately opened my mouth to protest, and stopped when I had nothing to say. There was nothing I could say to argue it. Why not, right? Better now than later, better now than never.

And don't laugh, but...I think I'm gonna try my hand at writing. I've started these journals, sometimes I'll read parts to Lois if I feel up to it, and she thinks I have...wait let me get this right...talent. Now I definitely wouldn't go that far, but I do love it. I really really love it. It's so much easier to express myself through writing than speaking. I couldn't imagine getting to do it all the time. Getting to do this for a living. So who knows, I guess it's just something else time will have to reveal to me. Something else I'll have to wait to see what will come of it.

But, strangely, I don't mind.

As for now, as for the rest of the summer, I'm gonna keep plowing ahead. I'm gonna continue bartending at Hamburger Mary's, a gay bar and restaurant in Hillcrest, which is where I also live. Actually it's kind of the gay district in San Diego. Now I'm not saying I'm a lesbian, I have no clue what I am. To be honest, it was the first place I found an apartment I could afford in. But it feels like home, so I'm not going to question it. And I don't think I need to. I'm happy here.

Man, it's true. I am happy here. I'm happy at Mary's. I've met so many great people here. I don't think I can really complain about life too much, Brynn. I get to walk to work every day, and some nights I can smell the ocean in the air. I wake up to a warm reassuring sun every morning, and I have a roof over my head in case the sky ever decides to open up and rain. Which it rarely ever does and it kind of makes me sad. I miss rainy days.

But then again, I think I've seen enough rain. I've been through plenty of storms the past few years. I think I'm ready for the sun. I'm ready for the good weather. I'm ready for better days. And I really do believe they are just that. These are better days.

You know, I never realized how blessed I am. Seriously, I'm so thankful now that I've truly realized it. Just for everything. For all that I have today. And all that I've lost. Maybe especially what I've lost. Since I'm most thankful for you, Brynn. Everything you did for me, everything you showed me. How you opened my eyes to all of life's possibilities. Since you were the one who always believed in me. You always stood behind me. I don't think I'd still be here today, if it weren't for you. And for that, I am eternally grateful for you.

I'm not pressuring you at all, but I'd love to hear back from you. Next week or six months from now. Whenever you're ready, if you ever are. I think about you constantly and miss you terribly. I worry about you too B. I hope you're doing alright. I'd really love to hear how your life's been. And however it's been, I'm positive it's nothing short of amazing. Cause that's what you are. You've always been amazing, B, and I have no doubts you always will be.

As I said, I have no expectations to hear from you. But then again, you know me, and you know I'm still hoping with all my might I will.

Much Love,  
Spencer

P.S. – in case you're curious, and I know you are, the celebrity Chelsea sold her work to was none other than your favorite artist to run to all those mornings. That's right, the one and only Diddy. Funny how life does that, huh? How it relates itself back to us?

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It's been four weeks since I licked the stamp on that envelope and pushed Brynn's letter into the mailbox. It's been four weeks and I haven't heard anything back. I'm not sad. Well that's not true, of course I'm sad, of course I want to hear back from her. But I understand.

_Some how I know I'll hear from her. Eventually. I don't know how I know, I just do. Maybe it's because I know Brynn, and I know we'll never lose each other, no matter how many miles and months sit themselves between us._

I wipe off the top of the bar at Mary's, the dirty rag proving the task pretty fruitless, but going along with it nonetheless. It's big and open in here, lots of large glassless windows to patios, allowing the warm air to breeze it's way through. I love it. I've been working the lunch shift on this particular perfect day. It's been busy, surprisingly, figured everyone would be at the beach.

But it's died down now, now that the shifts are about to change. Dinner hour is well on it's way and Missy will be here soon to switch out for me. Glancing at my watch, I notice it's only a mere ten minutes till she's here.

_Thank the Lord._

It's been a long day, and I'm ready to walk off into the sunset. Ready to make my way home. As if she heard my thoughts, Missy sweeps in through the open front door. Cropped blond hair looking even more golden with the way the sun highlights it. 

"I'll be right there, hun, just give me a minute in the back."

I'm ready to tell her "no worries", but she's already disappeared.

_I can say without any hesitation, that Missy is pretty damn incredible. Same goes for her girl, Kate. Those two, they've been my true life savers. They're my two best friends out here. They took a chance on a fucked up lost girl, and have picked her up more times than you'd believe. They got me through brutal months. They stuck around through the hard parts, through a freaking scary storm. And they're still here. They're more than here, they're there. There for me always. I can't believe how lucky I am. But they'll always insist they're the ones who are lucky._

Missy helped me snag this job and we usually share night shifts. Our opposing personalities make us a great team. She's the feisty outgoing one, and I'm the mellow friendly one. However, they've penned me "mystery girl", which one day was shortened to MG. I admit I like it. I mean, why wouldn't I? I'm a mystery to even myself some times.

Anyway, we truly do work the bar well together, and it's always so much fun. Whether we're working or not. Weekend nights Kate will join us up there. You can always count on her and our small group of girls to show up. And you can always count on Missy and I to hop behind the bar and serve up all our favorite shots. Whether we're working or not.

I love it. I love knowing how good life can be sometimes. 

I sit with my face held in my hands, elbows holding them up on the empty bar, enjoying the peacefulness of this moment. Enjoying everything that is my life.

_Yeah, I'm happy. I never thought it'd happen. I never thought I'd be able to sit back and say it. But I am. No matter what's happened, no matter what might never be, I'm happy. I'm content. _

Missy snaps her fingers as she glides in behind the bar, not even stopping as she pecks my cheek. I smile at how close we are, at what we have, and turn around towards the register, going to close out.

_And I think it's time I closed out with all of you too. It's time I close out on this story. The story of what brought me here, to this point. The story of how life hit me on the ass, knocked me right over, and then how it somehow reached down and pulled me back up again. Well how it's still pulling me. I still have a ways to go. I'm still working on it, but I don't think I need you guys anymore. I mean that in the nicest possible way, with no offense to any of you. I've loved telling you my story. I'm so thankful for all you guys who've listened._

But I'm ready to do this on my own. I'm ready to stop recording it all and ready to just live it. You know?

It's been a crazy road, hasn't it? I never imagined I'd wind up here. Truth be told I thought by now I'd have more. I thought I might have Ashley here, somehow, here in my life. But I've come to terms with that. Really, I have. Not that I wouldn't love to have her here, but it's ok that she's not. I'm ok she's not here.

I have my own life now. I have things that excite me, that make me happy, and make me sad. I feel life. I care about things. I can't believe how amazing that is. To actually love something. To actually dislike something. To have opinions and values. To not be indifferent towards everything. All. The. Time.

And it only heightens more with each day. I keep finding new things I'm passionate about. I keep meeting more and more interesting people. And I'm so ready for whatever life hands me next. Whatever it has in store for me, I'm ready to face it head on. And I can't effing wait.

Maybe someday, we'll see each other again. But, I'm not sure. To be honest, I think my story ends here.

"One JC please."

_Or maybe not._

My breath hitches in my throat as I stare down at the keys of the register. There's no questioning that voice. The sound of that raspy but beautiful voice was seared into my memory the first day I heard it one year ago. I slowly turn, having absolutely no idea what to expect, but finding what I've always hoped to see.

There she is. Ashley. She's sitting right at the bar, hands folded on top of it. She has a crazy smirk on her face, it's small, but it lightens my heart.

We just stare at each other, and really, what else is new? Haven't we always found ourselves right in this situation, just like this, eyes piercing right through each others.

She reaches over and snags a pretzel from the small dish in front of her. Plops it into her mouth and chews it with a smile. It makes the mood lighter than I could have ever imagined.

"Hey" It's breathless and probably pathetic, but it's all I can manage. It's the only word my brain can find with her no more than 5 feet away.

She looks at me for a few moments, clearly thinking something over before she holds her hand over the bar, "Hi..." her voice friendly and innocent, "...I'm Ashley."

Her smile grows as I feel mine do the same, taking her hand, knowing just what she's doing and I'm so happy for it.

"Spencer."

We slowly shake hands before she lets go and leans back on her stool, "It's really great meeting you Spencer."

Her eyes say it all, they look at me as if it's for the first time. As if she really is meeting me, and I smile because she actually is. This time there are no expectations. There is nothing from the past. We're just two people meeting.

Just me and her.

"Same to you." I let my hands spread on the bar, a sneaky smile on my lips, letting her know I know exactly what she's doing. Letting her know I'm right with her.

We remain there for a few moments, as we both realize what is falling on us. As we both feel that second chance upon us. I don't even need to hear what she's here to say, to know what she wants. Because it's what I want. It's written across her face. It's shining in her eyes. This is our clean slate. This is us putting the pieces back together again. And this time I'm going to do it right. I'm going to put them back perfectly. I'm not going to mess this up.

"So Ashley..." I softly begin, eyes hopeful, "...think you might wanna skip out on the JC and get a cup of coffee with me instead?"

She bites the side of her bottom lip, letting her arm hang on the back of her stool, before she gives me a full, nose wrinkle smile, "I'd love to."

I look down on her for a few moments, letting it all fall on us even more, letting the moment sink in. I round the bar, looking away from Ashley briefly to smile back at a deeply curious Missy, giving her eyes that say I'll explain later. However, when I see hers I realize I probably don't have to. I realize she already knows exactly what's going on.

I slowly make my way over to Ashley, the whole moment a little surreal. The fact I'm standing right next to her almost unbelievable.

_How did I get here? How did she get here?_

But I don't care. I don't care how or why or what's happened. All I know is I'm standing beside her, mere inches apart, and everything around us just disappeared. This is it. This is our moment. This is where we begin again. This is where it all begins again.

And what makes me smile like an idiot is I can feel her excitement too. I can feel everything I feel radiating from her. 

_For the first time, we're on the same page._

Walking us to the door, I can't help myself, and softly ask, "So you here for any specific reason?"

She gives me a small smile, and a gentle tug on my hand. "To start over."

I let my eyes linger over to hers as I find the sweetest most genuine smile facing me. It makes mine grow larger than ever as I walk us through the door, letting us meet the crisp spring air.

We walk slowly down the crowded street, the warm sun kissing our faces as our shoulders and hands brush together every now and then. We take each step slower than the last. Realizing we have all the time in the world. Savoring every new minute we have together.

_And then I feel it. I feel that rain. I feel the hope. The one that hung above me a year ago. The one that has lightly fallen over me the past year. It's now pouring on me. It's pouring on us. Harder and harder. Suddenly, I'm drenched. I'm drenched in hope, I'm drenched in possibility. Just walking beside her, just having her right here, I feel that rain pelting down. I feel it pelt straight down cleansing me. _

And as we give each other a crooked smile, I feel that water on every inch of my skin. I feel it go deep inside my chest, right into my heart. Pouring right inside me, changing me, and making me new.

_Only moments ago, I thought my story was ending..._

I close my eyes briefly, for the shortest moment, feeling that sun right on my face, a smile spreading across my lips.

_I had no idea it was just beginning._

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Just wanted to say thank you to all you guys for your feedback and words. They've been beyond kind and truly meant so much. Take care!


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